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Sleeping with my Eyes Open
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| No more anger |
| 08.27.03 (3:03 pm) [edit] |
So I was a little upset about life.
it has to do with control issues but after allowing myself the chance to vent and really just get it out. i feel much better. i dont know that its gonna get easier. but i do know that the only thing i can control is the way i feel with things. i need to be o.k with whatever plan is ahead of me. maybe its adjusting or maybe its just about accepting and learning to just live.
I deserve to be happy and i'm the only one that can make that happen. it needs to be about me for a minute or two.
one day at a time
one breath at a time
one laugh
one cry
everything one thing at a time.
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| Deep |
| 08.26.03 (1:03 pm) [edit] |
Going crazy in my head. Dancing with dead flowers under my feet. Their thorns dig deep but the pain feels good. The willow tree leans in closer trying to hear what my heart is murmuring about. There are no skies. Only flashes of light and darkness as they battle for who will seal my fate. My emotions chase each other around. Running in circles bouncing of loud walls. I need silence. I want peace. The chaos makes me feel heavy.
Fuck you and how you think this will end. You wouldn’t dare come close enough to even touch the edges of this tired soul anyway. How do I look from where you stand? Don’t fucken pretend you understand. I hope my memory burns your soul.
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| Something worth reading |
| 08.19.03 (5:05 pm) [edit] |
The Invitation
by Oriah Mountain Dreamer (1995)
It doesn't interest me what you do for a living
I want to know what you ache for
and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing.
It doesn't interest me how old you are
I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool
for love
for your dream
for the adventure of being alive.
It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon...
I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow
if you have been opened by life's betrayals
or have become shriveled and closed
from fear of further pain.
I want to know if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it.
I want to know if you can be with joy
mine or your own
if you can dance with wildness
and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes
without cautioning us to
be careful
be realistic
to remember the limitations of being human.
It doesn't interest me if the story you are telling me is true
I want to know if you can
dissapoint another to be true to yourself.
If you can bear the accusation of betrayal
and not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithful
and there for trustworthy.
I want to know if you can see Beauty
even when it is not pretty
every day.
And if you can source your own life
from its presence.
I want to know if you can live with failure
yours and mine
and still stand on the edge of the lake
and shout to the silver of the full moon,
"Yes."
It doesn't interest me
to know where you live or how much money you have
I want to know if you can get up
after a night of grief and despair
weary and bruised to the bone
and do what needs to be done
to feed the children.
It doesn't interest me who you know
or how you came to be here
I want to know if you will stand
in the center of the fire
with me
and not shrink back.
It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom
you have studied
I want to know what sustains you
from the inside
when all else falls away.
I want to know if you can be alone
with yourself
and if you truly like the company you keep
in the empty moments.
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| My f*cked up head |
| 08.18.03 (5:30 pm) [edit] |
We all know I'm picky about who I let into my world. I'm not talking friends. I'm talking intimacy. Rarely do I meet anyone that catches my eye. There are beautiful people in SF no doubt. We are constantly bombared by them (I no longer like to go to the mall in the city because I always get a really bad kink in my neck from looking at people) who really goes to shop is what i want to know??
Anyway. I find that I become infatuated with particular faces. Something catches me about someone and its over for me. Lately its been someone who well, someone who I don't even talk too. Someone I met by chance and then chance decided to take it away. (rather quickly I might add)
But im starting to wonder if its an illness?? I mean really people. What the hell gives me the right to be so damned picky. I could see if i was some hot momma with a J-lo type thangy thing going on but uhm no i have to be a jeanine garafalo (life isnt fair i've come to that conclusion). Its not like you all dont encourage me to get lost in escapades (cause i need them according to some of you) Or try to set me up with friends (yeah uhm i dont trust any of you with the choices anymore) I had to run from one once. she scared the hell out of me.
Its like an addiction when i meet one. I want one now. Someone come be my fix.
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| Damn I found the perfect song |
| 08.14.03 (12:05 pm) [edit] |
Something Stupid --Robbie Williams/Nicole Kidman
I know I stand in line
Until you think you have the time
To spend an evening with me
And if we go someplace to dance
I know that there's a chance
You won't be leaving with me
Then afterwards we drop into a quiet little place
And have a drink or two
And then I go and spoil it all
By saying something stupid
Like I love you
I can see it in your eyes
That you despise the same old lines
You heard the night before
And though it's just a line to you
For me it's true
And never seemed so right before
I practice every day to find some clever
lines to say
To make the meaning come through
But then I think I'll wait until the evening
gets late
And I'm alone with you
The time is right
Your perfume fills my head
The stars get red
And oh the night's so blue
And then I go and spoil it all
By saying something stupid
Like I love you
I love you...
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| A tarot card reader ruined my year |
| 08.13.03 (9:39 am) [edit] |
Tarot Card readers on the infamous Pier 39. I had a terrible hangover.
"Let's stop and try it".
I looked through blood shot eyes at this women who just smiled like she knew more about me than I'll ever know in a lifetime.
"Nah, I don't want to know" I said quietly.
So they sat and had their cards read. A quiet realm existed between the reader and my unsuspecting friends. Quiet whispers were exchanged and curiosity had me by the balls.
Quick glances my way telling me "wholly shit how did she know that". I was intrigued to say the least. After some time they got up and looked at me with exposed eyes. I thought to myself why would I want someone else telling me things I already knew. What is the draw to that. The lady turned around and looked at me. Hungry for money maybe? Hungry to let me know something more? I don’t know but I shrugged and said "what the hell". I sat down and the woman touched my hand quickly pulling away again.
"You have a lot of energy," she said quietly. I just smiled. I wasn’t going to give her anything to go off of. She was going to tell me things. I wanted to know what she had to say.
"It's going to be a very long year for you," she said as she slowly laid the cards out.
"You have sad eyes and you hope things will get better but they're not. You need to learn to laugh again and feel whole. Stop looking in the places you know you wont find answers. They'll come to you when its time. Its been a long lonely road for you and you like it that way. Eventually you have to stop running from yourself. Be happy. Things will happen for you."
This is supposed to be fun I thought. This isn't what I wanted to hear. Stop now. I don’t want to do this anymore. I remember not looking away from her. Staring right into her eyes. Needing her to know that this game was over and I didn’t want to play anymore. She gently took my hand and smiled almost like she felt sorry for me. I remember the cold wind and her green eyes just digging into me. She had soft hands. Do all psychics have soft hands? Do they all tell the truth? Do that want us to believe everything they say. I had a headache there was no more thought that I could put into this.
"There is some good news," she said calmly. "you will fall in love before the year is out. And it will be a good love. Something that will heal."
I think at that point I wanted to kick her backwards and I wanted to laugh. All of a sudden this woman was not real to me. I fidgeted in my chair. "love" I thought. She couldn’t tell I was going to win the lottery? Or that I would inherit a big house with a pool in Hawaii? Or that I'd lose weight and become a superstar? No. She had to tell me that I was going to fall in love. What the hell is that? Was she trying to make me feel better after all the bullshit about how miserable this year was going to be.
"You'll have to wait the full circle of the year before things begin to look up for you," and she stood up and let go of my hand. I sat there for a second. Tired. Angry. Wanting her to take everything she just told me back.
That was in February, its now August. And damn it if that tarot card reader wasn’t right. At least about the part of it being a shitty year. Its been full of chaos and loss. With some lines of hope in between. And I blame her for it.
I cant wait for this year to be over. Only six more fucken months of misery. Then I can go back to not knowing anything.
I have urges now, when I see those tarot readers to walk over to them and kick their table over. Everytime I drive by a palm reader or a psychic sign. I wish I had some gasoline to burn the buildings down. Who gave them the right to create such false worlds. Damn assholes.
And as for the love part? HA! I don’t believe in that either.
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| Slow Suicide |
| 08.11.03 (11:20 am) [edit] |
Its bitter this thing im going through. Where does it all end. Or better yet when does it begin. Strolling through my days. Living in my mind. Reading books. Playing songs. But it wont go away. Where are you? What are you doin? Cant I find some peace of mind? It’s a slow walk into a deep ocean of water. Cool against the skin. Cleansing. There are days that I let slip by. The phone rings and I don’t want to answer. I don’t want to hear someone else's happiness bounce against the echo's of my own. I don’t care to find anyone that can take this away. It would still exist. Its at the tip of my tongue. At the end of every sentence. At the beginning of every story. The loud bars don’t ease the pain anymore. The laughter doesn’t feel real. Laying in my bed stretching my body out. Dreaming of your shadow that comes to kiss the old wounds. Something wont let me let go. I want to dance barefoot in the rain. Can this get better? So what if I can imagine giving into someone else's kiss. Wanting someone else's touch. But there are only ghosts. I keep going back to the same door hoping that someday you'll be there again. You taught me to breathe and bleed in the same lifetime. You could have taught me to let go but that would have been unselfish of you. Did you need to know that I'd always linger? That I'd always tell you how much I need you. Do you want to hear about the loneliness that you've engraved into me? Its not your fault really. I felt too much and I choked on it. I drowned in it. Damn this lifetime that I'm going to spend forgetting you.
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| Tattoo |
| 08.07.03 (1:21 pm) [edit] |
I want this engraved on my body somewhere:
I desire without inspiration
I fantasize of nothing
I hunger for simplicity
Forced to toil in everything
Stuck in an open door
My reality is no more
Living someone else's dream;
Mine has moved on without me.
Jojo you get the credit. That piece is amazing. thank you.
I get it.
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| Melting |
| 08.07.03 (9:22 am) [edit] |
thats what it feels like somedays. Slowly giving into a reality that you try to run away from. fighting what you cant control.
maybe thats when things start to happen when you put down the sword and walk away. but what if thats not good enough and you continue to fight. finally waking up and realizing that you are the only one left in the battle and forgetting what it was that you were so determined to win.
you walk into bars thinking your alone. when the same exact faces and emotions are in there doing the same thing. trying to find something to hold on to. bottomless bottles to heal the pain. then the world opens up and swallows you. for a moment it all feels right and you are numb.
melting....
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| Circumstances |
| 08.06.03 (12:07 pm) [edit] |
I realized, as I was lying in my bed of sickness between lack of sleep and delirious dreams of being killed by some girls husband (for reasons that are only obvious to those that know me), That I am too simple for my own good.
What is it that holds me at the verge of jumping off and enjoying the fall. I'm the kind of person that likes to get close enough to the water to see how it feels. Then dip my toes and turn around and run away with my arms in the air and my hair of fire chasing me.
I want more. I want to the rockstar of my own world. I want to wear those cool glasses that make people wonder "whats behind those shades??"….. ramblings I know.
I used to be that way. Used to walk into a room with a smile and a wink and a drink…well a few drinks. Then it all ended. I'll blame it on circumstances. I always fall for the ones I cant have. Its been my curse from the start.
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| Hair of Fire |
| 08.05.03 (5:03 pm) [edit] |
O.k so I dyed my hair. (anyone one that knows this simple Jane *note* that is not my real name, knows that this is out of character) so what color you may be asking?? this is where this gets good.
oh it started out with a simple Fer'ia Burgandy. Being that i did this color a while back ago i thought "its a safe bet" well no not really. needless to say it turned out to be quiet a burgandy (on the verge of maybe a purple) *sigh
"TO THE WALGREENS" I yell. we are going to fix this accident before the night is out. So i buy blonde highlights so that the colors would mix appropriatlely...i dont know what the hell i was thinking??? (obvioulsy mixing colors was not my thing in art class) so i proceed to pound a few brewskies to help ease this make-over pain way down deep in my heart.
after a painful procedure of putting on a plastic cap and having some one needle my hair into the appropriate holes so that according to the box it would "coat evenly giving your hair a natural salon look" and 6 beers later. i go to take a shower and wash all the chemicals out of my hair.
yes my friends my hair is now looking mighty fashionable. highlighted blonde with reddish streaks. you can imagine the look on my face. It went from a very sad sad "what the fuck" to a "fuck it.....its done now and im gonna leave it!" kinda night. I went out and proceeded to get hammered. Relishing in the thought that I would not remember what anyone said about my hair the next morning.
that is all for now. this is the most excitement i've had in months *grin*
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