Blog For Free!
Archives
Home
2005 September
2005 August
2005 July
2005 June
2005 May
2005 April
2005 March
2005 February
2004 December
2004 November
2004 October
2004 September
2004 August
2004 July
2004 June
2004 May
2004 April
2004 March
2004 February
2004 January
2003 December
2003 November
2003 October
2003 September
2003 August
2003 July
My Links
Ambient Strippers
Eating Anais
Nameless
Cruzando Photography
A New York Escorts Confessions
Girls in the Bag
You know how you do
Kemoo's
Vanative's Blog
Trick$ter
Calihockeychick's Blog
Christian Dumais
Iryse's Blog
The Superficial
100 Words or less
tBlog
My Profile
Send tMail
My tFriends
My Images
Sponsored
Blog
Blogarama
|
| A flower against the wall |
| 10.30.03 (2:35 pm) [edit] |
We walked you home. I said my goodbye but couldn’t look you in the eyes. It had started to rain. Her phone rang and she had to go. It was an emergency. I was on my way to my car. You were standing on the stairs waiting for me to turn around. She got into her car and drove away. I watched the red lights drive off before turning around to see if you were still there. You had a smile on your face. I walked back and took your hand. You invited me upstairs. I said no and led you out to an alley instead. You could hear the water against the cars. I had wanted to kiss you from the moment I met you. The curl of your smile was my weakness. I leaned you against a rough wall. You smiled. Our lips met. It wasn’t rushed. It wasn’t anything but the moment. Slow. Curious tongues. Your smell. My body pressed against yours. Your hands pulled me closer. The rain ran over our bodies. It was just a kiss.
I woke up wet. Realizing it was just a dream.
I dreamnt it again....
|
|
|
| |
| Office Part (long i'm sorry) |
| 10.28.03 (3:09 pm) [edit] |
So this is the first year I've attended the office party. It supposed to be the summer party but we end up doing it in October. In my opinion we were lucky it was nice weather. So we pull up to Golden Gate Park and the open field of greeness. I wonder which table is ours until I see the only picnic tables out there with table clothes and flowers on it. Yes people they put flowers on ours. Maybe it was cause they wanted everyone to find it. Our company isnt very big. There are a total of 26 of us I think maybe 20 attended. So I was already thinking about what time we should be leaving until I saw the mini tubs full of beer and wine. Yay! **I think** but I will restrain myself its only 1000 am. At 1030 am I was happily drinking a Sam Adams. Yum Yum. I reminded myself to set a pace so I don’t wind up rolling around in the grass by 200pm and there were only three others that were drinking at this time (but I was not alone damn it). At 1100am they still couldn’t get the charcoal to light. I looked at my big manly co-worker and laughed.
"Be a man and get that started already" I say laughing.
"I don’t see you lighting it" he responds.
"I don’t want to embarrass you" I quickly fire back.
"Yeah well women can't BBQ anyway" he snickers.
I walk over to him take the gas away and place some card board under the charcoal. I spray enough gas on there to light a forest fire and throw a match in. The flames might have lit my eyebrows on fire if I hadn't jumped back. The others start laughing and I think I may have blushed or it was just the heat that had me feeling that way. Regardless, 15 minutes later the charcoal's were ready to go and I hand the him my empty beer bottle.
"Why don’t you go and grab me a beer" I say winking. He just looks at me shakes his head and goes to the tubs to get me another cold one. There was a game of croquet getting started on the field. "What a bunch of pansies" I thought to myself. I stayed by the beer and the BBQ pit. Once again (we'll call him Billy) is standing at the BBQ pit trying not to burn the chicken. We sit and bullshit about beer, work, and on how to not burn the chicken. Now for those that don’t know. I mastered the grill when I was in Hawaii. We had a lot of weekends where people would bring the food and I would ALWAYS wind up cooking. Now I didn't mind as long as they kept the Corona's coming and the music was playing. I kinda just got into my own zone and my beer was never warm. They took care of me I took care of them. I shared this with Billy. He agreed to be my beer-bitch and went to go grab his portable radio from his car.
By the time I got done cooking it was nearly 100pm and I had downed many beers and had many pointless conversations about absolutely nothing. I had sang my little heart out with the radio and people were pleased with the grub. I asked Billy if we were the only ones drinking. There were two others. Our local car artist who insists on wearing pink everyday cause it matches the exterior of her car. And our 60 plus year old russian who mans the phones when I'm not around. Maybe he was impressed by my intake in the beer category. He started early but I had him beat by at least four, the point is the next thing I know he's asking me personal questions and with every question he starts coming into my space. (I value my space so unless you know you are welcome in it stay on your side!!) I look at Billy with a "help me" look but at this point he is enjoying my uncomfortable position. I wanted to throw my beer bottle at his grinning grizzly face.
"So you have a boyfriend?"
"Uhm no not right now."
"So that guy that comes to see you isn't your boyfriend"
"No that’s my good friend we went to high school together"
"oh, I see. I'm surprised. A girl like you should have one"
At that point I cut him short by asking Billy for another beer and pretend that I needed to finish cooking. I walk away. Half-embarrassed and in half-disbelief. Billy comes back with a crooked grin on his face and hands me my beer.
"So uh looks like you have an interest"
"shut it" I say.
Then somehow we get invited to play croquet. At this point it makes no difference to me. I'm buzzed, the sun is out and I'm not at work. "line them up" I say. Life is good even if its only in brief spurts. Now I have never played in my entire life. I'll cut to the chase. I cant manage to get my ball to go into the proper loop and people insisted on knocking me off the playing field (which apparently is o.k cause the rules say so) So I just continue to drink my beer not really caring cause I knew this was gonna be a killing anyway. At least I was beating Billy. Then it happens the Croquet God's shed some light on me. For some odd reason I hit the ball at an angle that made it through the first loop. John Jett's "I love rock and roll" was playing on the radio. I remember cause they told me to quit singing and swaying and to hit the ball. I caught up. I shit you not! I knocked every other ball off the field except the leader cause I couldn’t reach him. Everyone was in hysterics.
"I thought you didn’t know who to play?"
"Hey stop hitting my ball off the field"
"You can miss any day now. We'd like to get a chance too."
And just like that my thunder was stolen. See you can hit the other ball from close or from far and up to that point I had hit them from far. They tell me to line the ball up and place my foot over mine so it wont move. Now mind you I had drank at least 5 more beers since the game started. I payed no attention to the hard buzz cause I was a Croquet Princess in that moment and no one could stop me. I swing and miss the ball hitting my foot instead. If you can feel any pain after 15 beers you know you swung too hard. I let the putter go and just lay back allowing the throb to subside. Oh and don’t you worry the laughter was loud and clear. My moment of glory was gone and I wanted another beer. We played for two hours and I still lost. I will never under-estimate another pansy game again.
|
|
|
| |
| You know its Monday |
| 10.27.03 (10:16 am) [edit] |
You know it’s a Monday when you busted your ass off all weekend lifting things twice your size and when you wake up in the morning and you cant feel your elbow (I know this sounds funny). It really hurts. I can't brush my teeth without wincing. I work in an office during the week so you can imagine my face when I forget and reach for the phone when it rings. It's like a kid who knows the stove is hot but keeps putting his hand on it anyway. I'm exhausted. I want to go back to bed and watch movies and be absolutely lazy.
I don’t have any stories to convey. It was a rather dull weekend overall. By choice because I really didn’t have the energy to go and be around people. There was however and old woman that came in yesterday to get some holes put in her pot (now I know THAT was funny, dirty sick sick minds). She smelled of BBQ and beer. I wanted to hug her and soak up the freedom that she was having while I was sweating under the hot sun. I had another woman ask me if I wanted to come to her place and help her move some things around. I would have considered it if she had been cute. Like that one that lived in a house boat. Yeah I would have gone over there and rocked her boat.
I might as well tell you about the beautiful British gay couple that came in with their chiseled bodies. Really there were Ambercrombie material. I was trying to help them pick out the "perfect pot" for their patio. It was between a rustic green or a rustic brown. After half and hour of deliberating they decided to go with the brown because it had more of an "outside look". This guy with the big arms and perfect butt goes to lift the pot and starts to fall over. His BF tries to go help him and they trip over each other. The pot was safe when they finally managed to get it onto the cart (I had to walk away to avoid laughing in front of them) I put the pot in their car later and when it was in they just kinda look at each other and the first one was like "yeah babe I'm still sore from the gym yesterday". I walked off with a smirk on my face.
By the end of the day I looked like someone had rolled my in a pile of dirt and hit me with a broomstick. My hands are all cut up. My back is aching. Wish I had a tub I'd soak for at least an hour, drinking some wine, lighting some insence and listening to some Sade or Norah Jones.
|
|
|
| |
| It's late but if you are listening |
| 10.24.03 (5:17 pm) [edit] |
The echos are still as loud as they were when you stopped calling. walking down empty halls. i keep coming back to this place. running my fingers over the old wounds. i come back to remind me of how to let you go. i ask the same questions over and over again. but only silence reaches me. i stand still in these moments to listen to myself. the thorns are bigger now in our garden. the flowers are wilting and the rain seems to never stop. drowning what we once worked so hard to grow. i find you in the shadows of my words. creeping in, lightly tapping my soul just to remind me of the hurt thats left inside.
it's not about letting go. i did that a long time ago. i wished your name into the nights that i spent alone. for a long time i swore you stared back at me from the dark. but you know that it was never about anything or anyone else. we made promises that we mishandled and shattered against each other.
i hope that you know that no matter how much time passes i'll always come back to this place. its all i have left it seems.
|
|
|
| |
| Still searching |
| 10.24.03 (12:21 pm) [edit] |
I'm staring at a blank screen today. Trying to put words together. I've had dreams about her all week. Usually when that happens I pick up the phone to make sure things are alright. I'm always on the ball. It seems crazy I'm sure. I'm not psychic. Just has always been that way with her even when I was away. I cant bring myself to do it. I stare at the phone hoping just maybe she'll call today. Maybe.
I'm at stand still with myself. Struggling mostly from the inside. We were at a bar last night having small conversation. Venting issues. I was there but I was quiet. Nodding my head when needed. Sulking over a beer I really didn’t want or need. My DUI classes have been making me think more and more. I went back for a second round. Someone looked at me and said "you have the most intense eyes" I smiled and said "thank you I think".
This morning I woke up feeling rested after an un-nerving dream. I know I'm awake. I know I'm functioning properly. But I feel out of my skin. Something is tapping at my unconscious making me uncomfortable.
My friends are coming to visit next week. My old room-mates. I worry that they'll have expectations of the old me and not really get the new me. I don’t think I'm better but I know I've grown. My state of mind is different now. I wonder if that DUI changed my life. Changed my views. Made me focus on the inside instead of the out. My friend here likes to hold the mirror to my face. He's different than what I got accustomed too while I was away. Sometimes he makes me feel inferior but it has nothing to do with him really.
The truth always make my heart sink. I'm trying to find my truth. I need to know where it is that I'm headed but I'll never know until I get there.
|
|
|
| |
| What was that??? |
| 10.23.03 (10:08 am) [edit] |
So this happened to me a few days ago. Now that my mind has taken a break from being "dramatic" as SOMEONE would put it I can concentrate on telling a good, funny, this shit always happens to me kind of story.
Last week I managed to pierce my skin with the handle of an old rusty gate. Can we say OUCH? (I know I did in two different languages). My tender little finger throbbed as I tried to take the access skin off. It didnt bleed to bad but it hurt like hell. So anyone that knows me knows that I don't believe in band aids. Especially trendy Spongebob ones. So I let my wound run its course.
It swelled and the skin was slowly starting to grow back. A co-worker of mine who happens to be compulsive about a numerous amount of things commented on how I should put some anti-biotic cream on it and BLAM she just happens to have some in her purse. I sat and wondered what other things she may have in there but I will leave that to the imagination. I humored her by putting some on and thanked her knowing that I was just going to go wipe it off as soon as she was gone.
Yeah THAT was the original plan but in that instance it got busy and I forgot about the cream. Later that same co-worker decides shes going to go "freshen up" in the bathroom. She comes out smelling like a french whore. I dont know what flowery, girly spray she put on in there but it made my allergies go crazy. I sneezed endlessly for 10 minutes. The last sneeze did me in folks. It was one of those that wouldn't come out and they make your throat and nose itch.
Oh this is where it gets good. I go to rub my nose and when I do I feel this slimy ick from one end of my face to the other. I freaked thinking that my nose had snot coming out of it for the last couple of minutes and I never noticed. So you can imagine my surprise when I go into the bathroom and have this white cream on my face. I had smeared that F*cken anti-biotic cream all over myself.
Oh I was quite a site. I had to sit in the bathroom and try to contain my laughter. I cleaned myself up and just shook my head.
Why do these things happen to me?
|
|
|
| |
| The lightness of being |
| 10.21.03 (2:29 pm) [edit] |
I've been trying not to think about existing too much. I'm trying not to question everything that does or doesn’t happen in my life. I've found that I enjoy staying home watching the tube instead of trying to be one with the mainstream of discovering life.
Sometimes I feel like I'm the only one that complicates my life. If I want to read a book I'll read one. Not because it makes me feel smart but because I enjoy it. If I want to go out and dance then I'll dance til my clothes are soaked through. Not because everyone else is doing it. If I want to lock myself up in my head and rumble with my own emotions. That’s what I'm gonna do cause it helps me think clearly.
Not everyone gets it. Or is it that I don’t have anyone to get it. Do I need that? Isnt that what everyone looks for? I'm not about random conversations though I do love good conversation.
I'm not trying to barely get my foot in the door with all the pretty people. Though I've found that’s its something I do unconsciously. This compulsive insecurity of myself leads me to crave others lives. Wanting to see through their eyes.
Trying to see whats in front of me but never really seeing anything at all. Trying not to contain my happiness at the littlest things. Not waiting for some big change to come along because things are constantly changing.
But there I am waiting on my porch of life sipping on some cold lemonade instead of getting on the one way train to anywhere.
If I had the means I would never be grounded. I'd never belong to anyone or anything. In my head I am the romantic that leaves the end of ever scene. The one that everyone wants to come back.
I'm the rebel that will drink anyone under that table and sleep with whom ever I chose because I chose them not because they chose me. Blah blah blah blah.
Its all there. Everything complicated and simple. Everything close and far away.
Everyone reads better in fragments. Bits and pieces instead of the whole thing. Is it better that way?
Me= moody, un-decisive, un-confrontational, generally happy, generally depressive, never wanting anything good to end, never looking for new beginnings, following old dreams, drowning in new ones.
|
|
|
| |
| Texas Chainsaw Massacre |
| 10.20.03 (11:19 am) [edit] |
We decided to catch the late show. A scary movie isn't the same if there is still light out. (yes I know its dark in the theatre but it defeats the purpose of really being scared--smart asses) We got in line. We got some popcorn. I was excited. I love going to the movies with my sister (especially scary ones) she jumps at the previews. So I was really going to enjoy laughing at her for being so scared. Its one of those other pleasures I indulge in. There is something about watching a 16 year old try to really get her whole body squeezed into the little movie chair that the theatre provides. I've often wondered what that will accomplish but I suppose it's really not that important as it is funny. The lights go down and she whispers "I'm ready to go home". I actually giggle cause I know its gonna be good.
Now let's rewind just a bit. My brother and I had killed a bottle of Bacardi Gold before leaving the house. He no longer drinks beer so I went along with the hard liquor thing. I was a fuzzy little camper by the time we reached the theatre. In fact I really don’t remember the previews that’s how buzzed we were. Then the lights go down and as giddy as I was feeling in my own little world, the first scene opens and then it happens. My buzz is gone in the first 15 minutes. Talk about "kill da buzz". So the movie begins and we are transported into a world of hot sweaty teens and a big house with creepy people in it. I will not spoil the movie for those of you who haven't seen it. I will say this, I was not paying any attention at all to my little sister because I found myself screaming and jumping along with the rest of the theatre. We won't mention the big tough guy sitting next to me who was jumping OUT of his chair. (Cr*z…hmmm who could it be?)
Oh and I have never seen a girl who can make sweat, blood and water look so damned sexy. Yeah I have a new appreciation for hip hugger jeans, wife beaters, flat stomachs and girls with nice asses. ( I REALLY need to take mine back to the gym).
Discuss......
|
|
|
| |
| Snickers- The Candy Bar |
| 10.16.03 (4:19 pm) [edit] |
So it's a really nice day outside and instead of thinking about an ice cold beer, or a cigarette, or some really good sex, I thought of how yummy a Snickers Bar would be right now. I'm not sure where this craving came from. I just know that I want one. So I ventured upstairs to "get some paper work" and snatched some mini-snickers for my stash down stairs. I'm not too big on chocolate and because I don’t get cravings for it often I usually give into such a pleasure (I've heard you only live once so enjoy it or something along those lines). I bite into this tender piece of heaven it and its MUSHY!!
Then this disturbing childhood memory emerges. I would never eat MUSHY Snickers. I used to stick it in the freezer (where the other mini's are now) and wait for the candy to be rock hard. Now most would say buy the ice-cream and I say ITS NOT THE SAME. The ice cream has vanilla in it. Original Snickers DOES NOT. Therefore it gives it a completely different taste. I used to sit in the car patiently waiting for us to go home so I can put it in its cold place while my brothers ate their treats greedily. It would kill me knowing that inside my little jacket pocket the Snickers was slowly melting into its wrapper. "We have to get home before it completely melts!" oh the agony of a child. I would make a mad dash for the door as soon as we were home and run to place my Snickers in its home.
Sometimes (but only SOMETIMES) I would forget that I put it in there. Imagine when a happy little innocent child runs to the freezer in hopes of her candy only to find that ITS GONE!! There were many tears shed when the missing Snickers was discovered. I'd hide in the bedroom closet and sniffle cause I never let anyone see me cry. But now I am a happy 26 year old waiting for her Snickers to freeze so I can bite into it and enjoy it melt in my mouth (you nasty ones DON’T EVEN GO THERE!).
Oh and don’t GET ME STARTED on the Skittles. You are supposed to taste the WHOLE rainbow not just bits and pieces. Man I had it all figured out when I was a kid. What the hell happened???
|
|
|
| |
| Breaking up with myself |
| 10.15.03 (3:43 pm) [edit] |
Me: I cant do this anymore
Myself: You never want to do anything
Me: No really. I'm just not happy anymore.
Myself: Well, you make it harder than it needs to be.
Me: I do my part. I know its not always what you want but I try.
Myself: How come you always want everything then do nothing?
Me: I thought I knew what "we" wanted but its obvious that I don't.
Myself: I try to tell you. I try to help.
Me: You like making things difficult when all I want is simple.
Myself: I don’t believe you are pointing fingers. We knew it was going to be hard.
Me: I didn't expect it to be such a rollercoaster. I just wanted to know you. To be a part of you.
Myself: Did you think I was just going to stop being who I am?
Me: No. I know that can never happen. That’s why I love you.
Myself: You have a funny way of showing it. You are always trying to shut me out so I stopped trying to get back in.
Me: But you stayed and now I don't know what to do.
Myself: Give me a chance. Let me carry some of the load. You cant do it alone.
Me: I know but I don’t want you to worry about me.
Myself: That’s going to happen whether you want me to or not.
Me: What about the others?
Myself: We all have a past. They'll always be there. Neither you, nor I can ignore that.
Me: I don’t think I can do it anymore. I'm tired of fighting.
Myself: This isn't easy was for anyone and you are being selfish. Its not always about you.
Me: I never said it was. You make it seem like I'm the only one that causes the problems. You are so damned moody.
Myself: I have to deal with you and all your issues. I cant be a ray of sunshine all the time.
Me: You are so stubborn.
Myself: Me? What about you? Always trying to make everything right. That's what has you all fucked up. Sometimes there is nothing you can do. Deal with it.
Me: This is so pointless.
Myself: That's your solution to everything. Close the door. Turn your back. Ignore the issues. It's caught up hasn't it?
Me: It always does.
Myself: Maybe it's time we part then. It's what you want. I'm not going to argue. You want to keep it simple. I'll make it easy on you.
Me: Fine go. You were an asshole anyway.
|
|
|
| |
| Celine Dion Broke me Down this morning. |
| 10.08.03 (9:18 am) [edit] |
There I was minding my business, flipping through the radio station on the way to work. I left on a station with commercials. All they do is talk in the morning anyway. Then this song starts and I listen cause I've never heard it before. Come to find you its Celine's new song. Now mind you, I am not a fan. She's too full of herself though her voice is dynamic. So I gave it a chance and found myself in tears soon after. Maybe it was the words. Maybe it was the way she sang it. Maybe it was because I found an old letter last night as I rearranged some books on a shelf. Needless to say she broke me down. Right back to square one. So I haven't dealt with things. I let them fall silent instead of questioning how or why and the deepest part of me just needs it to be over.
Have you Ever been In Love
Celine Dion
Have you ever been in love
You could touch the moonlight
When your heart’s shooting stars
You’re holding heaven in your arms
Have you ever been so in love
Have you ever walked on air
Ever felt like you were dreamin’
When you never thought it could
But it really feels that good
Have you ever been so in love
The time I spent
Waiting for something that was heaven-sent
When you find it don’t let go,
I know
Have you ever said a prayer
And found that it was answered
All my hope has been restored
And I ain’t looking anymore
Have you ever been so in love, have you...
Some place that you ain’t leavin’
Somewhere you’re gonna stay
When you finally found the meanin’
Have you ever felt this way
Coz have you ever been so in love, so in love
You could touch the moonlight
You can even reach the stars
Doesn’t matter near or far
Have you ever been so in love
So in......love......
|
|
|
| |
| Lesbian: 10 reasons I am not one. |
| 10.07.03 (3:34 pm) [edit] |
1. I dont own a cat.
**Note: I've been known to kick some away.
2. I hate animals in general.
***Note: It may have to do with my allergies.
3. I'm not a Vegan/Vegitarian
**Note: I believe in large medium rare steaks.
4. I like penis.
**Note: Just not small ones
5. I'm not rude.
**Note: Really it's o.k to apologize and move out of the way
6. I don't believe in Lesbian Drama
**Note: Can we just "do it".
7. I can't play pool.
**Note: I have attempted to play when I'm drunk but only cause I knew the girls would give me a chance.
8. I only scored 50% on the gay-o-meter.
**Note: Though really if you had read the answers I think anyone would have argued differently.
9. I dont hate straight men.
**Note: Though men who call me a prude are definitely on my shit list.
10. I don't know any Ani songs.
**Note: I only know of her. I can't even name one now that I'm really thinking about it.
|
|
|
| |
| Journey to Ixtlan |
| 10.02.03 (2:08 pm) [edit] |
"I'm so far away from the sky where I was born. Immense nostalgia invades my thoughts. Now that I am so alone and sad like a leaf in the wind, sometimes I want to weep, sometimes I want to laugh with longing."
Carlos Castaneda
|
|
|
| |
| Missing you. |
| 10.02.03 (12:03 pm) [edit] |
|
I thought of you this morning. I made some tea instead of coffee. I'm feeling a bit under the weather. I remember how you'd always make me tea when I wasn’t feeling well. I made a cup of green tea and when I went to drink it, I didn’t grab the handle. I held the whole cup, the way you still do I'm sure. I haven't thought of you for days now. At least not until today. I even make the tea in the same manor with sugar and cream. I don’t think I've ever noticed it before. I know as I was making it, I wasn’t thinking of you. I was thinking of how cold it was and a good cup of tea would taste really good. So now there you are knocking at my window. I want to open it again. Maybe I'll never hold the cup by the handle again. You're still around. I'm going to drink my tea and think of you till the cup is empty. I probably wont finish it because I never drink the end of anything. So you'll always be there I suppose. At the bottom of everything. I miss you.
|
|
|
| |
| A love letter |
| 10.01.03 (5:39 pm) [edit] |
You sitting there with your pouty lips and those thick thighs. They called me when you'd walk by and I could barely contain the need to reach out and touch you. You looked back and we locked eyes, a quick smile and then nothing. You, when you'd come into the room and lay next to me. I can memorize the way your curves felt against mine. You'd slip your hands over mine and I wondered about what needed to be said. That night I kissed you. I was sorry. You told me not to be. I should have been sorry for every time I thought of slipping in next to you during the middle of the night, but I wasn’t. Or how I craved your kisses after you were gone. That night when you followed me into the other room and we giggled cause neither one of us knew what to do next. You reached for the door and I pulled you back. I slipped my hand behind your neck and kissed you. Stopping was the hard part. You felt right. You felt good. All night I watched as you went back and forth from guest to guest. I drank my beer and smiled. Knowing that it was always going to be a game we played. "Stay" you said before we left. "I cant" I replied. I didn’t want to sleep on your couch while someone else was touching you. I preferred to drive home drunk. We avoided each other for months after that. Saying hello when it was proper. Walking away when I knew I couldn’t take it anymore. Thanksgiving we found ourselves lost in people at that old apartment. Again watching you in silence. Convincing myself that I wasn’t feeling anything. Getting jealous when anyone came near you. Thinking that I wasn’t the only stray that you might have shared intimacies with. It didn’t matter, it was too late anyway. Then you had to leave. I took your hand and didn’t say a word taking you into my room. I closed the door. You stood there. I could smell your perfume. It always lingered. I craved it the way I craved you. You came closer and I think I stopped breathing. Our lips locked. This time there was no rush. It was just you and me. In silence. In love. My hands on your hips. Your arms around my neck. Our tongues in rhythm. "don’t go", it was my turn. "I cant stay" you opened the door and asked me to walk you out. So we went. Me a slight step behind. I could never say anything to make things change. I wanted to keep you and you weren't mine to have. You opened the door and then a hug. I watched you through the window as you started the car. My hands in my pocket. My heart on my sleeve. "come here" you said as you rolled down the window. Again you were there. Warm and inviting. Everyone was standing outside. I didn’t want anyone to see, but it didn’t matter not at that moment. "I have to go" I said turning away. I think you may have said something but I didn’t hear. Then you were behind me again. "hey" you said. I turned around and smiled. A song was playing. Maybe you'll remember it maybe not. "one more" you said. I turned to see who was watching and leaned into your window. Your eyes closed and I couldn’t do it. "goodnight" I said kissing your cheek. You laughed knowing something I didn’t. if I could have had a million more moments like that I would have. I think we knew our limits. Every moment after that it was real. What we experienced. How we felt. The limits of our will power. I knew. I knew that you knew. I'm still here and I can still find you in the little things that we shared. I wish that we could have been more but I'm glad we shared the silences and the moments of laughter and tears. We came apart together. We healed together.
"Deliver me, out of my sadness.
Deliver me, from all of the madness.
Deliver me, courage to guide me.
Deliver me, strength from inside me.
All of my life I've been in hiding.
Wishing there was someone just like you.
Now that you're here, now that I've found you,
I know that you're the one to pull me through."
|
|
|
| |
|
|
