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| Screaming Bisexual Sex Kitten |
| 11.26.03 (5:29 pm) [edit] |
I'm going to give my male counter part (aka cruzandodotcom) total credit for that title.
It began last week when a temp came to work for our office. They sent me upstairs to get her and its now a week later. (temps stand for temporary right?) I walk up the stairs and there is this blonde girl with blue eyes and the fullest lips I've seen in some time. She smiles and stands up. I apologize for the wait, introduce myself and show her the way down to the office. We immediately get into a quick conversation about temp agencies and how they benefit people who are trying to widen their experiences. **yes I thought dirty** what else is new?
She's been here everyday since last Tuesday. Now mind you she isn't this hot babe Pamela (wanna lay between your breasts) Anderson. She's more of a fine wine Michelle (can I just hold you) Pfeifer. I have been talking about her over IM to Cruzando cause EVERY time she comes in she flashes this smile and says good morning in such a way. I get this f*cken Goofy Disney grin on my face. **Ugh** What am I supposed to do?? I cant just not respond right…..why me. So for the last week we've had short conversations about nothing. Small casual things. She tells me about how she just got two cats (that’s a sign isnt it?). So now I have developed a certain attraction for her and it doesn’t help that’s she's friendly.
So today is Wed. and today no one else is in the office. Everyone went to lunch at the same time and I don’t know what possessed me to go back there to talk to her. I use my little ways and tell her that I no longer want to work and that she's going to have to keep me company. She laughs (cute laugh by the way) and says "Sure pull up a chair". I'm so setting myself up and I know it but its always fun to talk to someone new. We talk about holiday plans, jobs, her living in Europe for two years (Italy being her favorite. She tells me I must go), me being in the military ( I am vague but tell her that if she hasn’t been then she too needs to make a trip). So on and on we chat. The hour is up and I go back to my seat.
Sounds ridiculous really but Cruzando makes it worse. He asks me if I had touched her hand. This makes my side hurt from laughter. I don’t know what it was supposed to mean but no I did not. In fact I wasn’t even close enough to be able to describe her scent. Which I would faithfully put in here somewhere if I had. Now she comes to tell me that it turns out she'll be back next week and that she received a job offer across the street from me at the Bayer factory. I smile and tell her that maybe we could go to lunch sometime. She says yes and says that she likes the little café down the street.
Now as crazy as I know I am. Yes she is straight. I don’t have a doubt in my mind but because I have such colorful friends that thought is now out the window. I like straight girls. I don’t know what it is. It’s a self-torture thing I'm sure. Cruzando tells me to go get that because she's a "screaming bisexual sex kitten".
He has put in my mind this dark sexy fantasy and now every time she walks by I have this image of her crawling towards me from across the room on all fours, dressed in black victoria secret underwear and a sly pouty smile. (have I mentioned her lips?) I won't get into anymore detail. Needless to say they have both ruined my life. Him for planting the thought and her for being the fantasy.
:wink:
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| Average Joe |
| 11.25.03 (10:59 am) [edit] |
Last night I watched this show. Now I don’t watch reality TV, unless its MTV's Real World or Road Rules cause those are just too funny to miss and the cast is sometimes too gorgeous and the drama is just too much. I don’t know how or when I became and MTV groupie but I am not ashamed to admit it.
I haven't been in the best of moods and my sister was rather ill yesterday (she got sick cause she laughed at me and the sh*t-water incident).
Anyway I played the big sis and made sure she was taken care of, plenty of liquids, some pepto, and some cold and sinus stuff. She had a fever and I was concerned that she wouldn’t be alright. So we got cozy and watched some TV. I had a terrible headache and could barely stay awake, then she clicked this show on. The reason we watched it was because there was this hot babe and four "Average Joe's" and we thought it was funny.
I had never payed attention to it before but it was rather amusing. In this particular episode they added three hot men to the show (cause it wouldn’t be good without a twist). OMG--the three average dudes had a fit. Really, one refused to talk to the guys and slept the whole time. Figuring his chance at getting the girl was over. He really slept through most of it. The third guy started doing 50 more laps than he usually does and started a diet (now mind you this is something I would do so it was that much more amusing) the third guy just pretended that he was cool with it but he kept commenting on how he had to worry about his bald head again cause the other guys had a full head of hair.
The girl was calm and collected until the basketball game when they played shirts and skins. She had already seen the average guys with no shirts on so the new ones had to take their shirts off, someone should have gotten her a drool bucket and brought me one too while they were at it. Damn how are you not supposed to noticed three sweaty, chiseled bodies running around the court. The average guys were dumb founded. I don’t know why I found this funny but it was.
Then I got to thinking how if they made a "Plain Jane" reality show I would be such a shoe in!!! I'd send my tape in. Except that if they put in three hot girls at the end I'd probably wind up hitting on them too. Now THAT would make for some interesting TV.
Comments?? Suggestions??? Maybe I can sell it to the BBC channel. They put anything on TV. *hahahahahahaha
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| Adventures in Babysitting |
| 11.24.03 (12:06 pm) [edit] |
Well since the last time I posted. I am still not in the brightest of moods. Though I do attempt my hand at laughter, sometimes it just hurts so I spend time alone. I however have come across some really funny situations. I have taken my little cousins under my wings. Since their mom is gone, my sister and I have volunteered to make sure that they are alright in her absence.
Saturday they came over after their dad dropped them off before he went to work. The night before the little one (she is two) had gotten sick and threw up all over herself. So I gave her some soup and secretly put some Pepto into her milk. She didn’t seem to notice and drank it happily. Her food stayed down and we were happy. This was about 3pm. Later that afternoon I was finishing playing the Playstation with the little ones brother when I hear my sister let out a funny yelp.
Apparently while no one was looking the little one had messed her panties. She had diarreah. Now the funny part was that she was just standing there like "what the hell happened". I'm sure she had meant to just let a little gas out and well we all know the rest. My sister refused to help me change her so I take her into the bathroom and put her on the seat. She didn’t cry but she had such a look of confusion on her face. I told her that it was o.k cause she was sick and she just say in her little voice "I'm sorry".
OMG--kids are not supposed to have such a stench. Really I don’t know if it was the Pepto that made her release such a smell or what but I changed her. I tell my sister that she is absolutely cold hearted and she giggles cause I'm sitting there cleaning up sh*t.. I take her dirty clothes and put it in a bag, but not before rinsing her panties (I didn’t want it to stink up the house). My sister is putting a diaper on her because we didn’t want her to get messy again and I'm scrubbing her panties. The little one calls my name to tell me that my sister is tickling her and I look over to make a funny face. My hand slips and the next thing you know the panties are flinging sh*t-water at me. Yeah. I screamed and my sister nearly pissed her pants she was laughing so hard.
I took a shower soon after. I didn’t know if it had gotten in my hair or other places and I needed to make sure that I didn’t smell like sh*t. It's funny even now. It felt good to laugh, though I can't say that I'd do it over again.
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| Death |
| 11.21.03 (1:21 pm) [edit] |
I wasn’t going to write about this. In reality I've written this blog like eight times and then deleted it. In summary, my grandfather passed away Wed morning. I was close to him yes, but I've accepted that he's gone. The hardest thing for me was watching my mom and her sisters come apart. I couldn’t think of anything to say that would make the pain go away. Through tears we tried to say the right things and all I could think of was that I had to be strong for them.
This morning as I walked up to my office I looked at the trees and they are golden brown and red and yellow. I started to cry. We forget the beautiful things that surround us.
Right now it feels as though I'm in my body but I'm just going through the motions. I haven't really answered my phone for that I apologize. I don't want to cry. I've checked it hoping for this one call but nothing. That’s o.k. my heart is already heavy. What can I possibly write about?
I could describe how I had to get my aunt our of her bed to tell her that her father had passed away. I could describe her screams telling me that I was lying. She smelled of liquor and her body slumped. I don’t want to wind up like her. I could tell you about my other aunt who would look at me and tell me that her daddy wasn't coming back and I could tell you about my mother who apologized for not being the mother that I deserved as she grieved for her father.
I could write about my sister who supposedly hates the world. Her helping me, help them and after a long day of making arrangements she went to her room and lay in her bed and cried. I wanted to hold her and I remembered how when she was young she would crawl into my bed in the middle of the night cause she was scared to sleep alone. Her pain I couldn’t take away either.
Now I sit and write this and my tears come easier than before. I haven't grieved properly. The last two days the silliest things have made me break down. I found some consolation in some beers last night. I'm paying for it this morning. I drank alone and I drank them fast. I needed to make it all go away and it did for a little while.
I think I feel too much. I feel everything. Both the good and the bad. Sometimes its hard to balance the two. I give and I take. I need and I want. I am strong and I'm weak.
"I hide my pain like the rest of them
That's why I'm always laughing
I'm troubled, I'm brilliant and miserable too
That's why I am so funny
I swallow down all my fears
With a bottle made of silver
I've only been here for 27 years
But already my life is over"
Pink---
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| Dealing |
| 11.18.03 (10:57 am) [edit] |
It's Tuesday morning.
I'm not in the mood for much. I'm on one hour of sleep but that is my own making so I will not complain about it. I'm listening to Norah Jones sing some Patsy Cline and it's probably making my mood worse. I used to make fun of someone cause she liked her (I miss you).
Last night was bad. Enough for me to give up for a while. I'm not gonna go into detail, its just me and my mind battling again. I felt a lot of things all at once. Mostly lonely and disconnected, even though I was surrounded by friends. Emotions get the best of me sometimes and sometimes I just can't deal or should I say won't. I need to build my walls back up, add some glue to the already tattered layers. It's not safe and they could crumble.
I'm not ready to come apart over something that I can't have. I'm not sure I ever will be. Not again anyway.
There was a picture on a card that reminded me of you and I came apart. Only hours before I had been busy securing my mind and my heart. I saw the picture and I knew I was headed for a long night. I want to be alone for a while. Alone is good for me.
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| Gay boys |
| 11.17.03 (10:55 am) [edit] |
I have not yet learned the concept of why gay boys are attracted to me. Last Thursday me and some friends went to a bar in the city. Currently my favorite place on Mondays. We were groovin on the dance floor. All of us in a sweet ass state of mind. Britney was pumping through the speakers (yes, don’t hate I love that song!) we were getting dirty. We are sweating. We are doing what we do. Having a good time. So I'm dancing and there was this gay couple dancing right next to us. One had his shirt off, the other did not. And they are doing the grinding thing on the floor and somehow we all wound up dancing mighty close. Anyway the one with no shirt grabs me and pulls me closer. Now mind you this type of things happen, that’s the way the dance floor is and I knew that. So I went with it. I often dance with random people. But when his hands started to wander towards my rear-end area it kinda made me jump back. Now I was totally confused and I looked at his partner rather curiously. He just had a grin on his face and I didn’t know what to make of it.
I go back to dancing with my crew. For one I felt dirty. For two they were sexier than the couple anyway. So we go out on the patio area to get some air and refresh ourselves with some drinks. The crowd was great and the music was pumping. I think that always makes for a good time. We're standing there skimming the crowd and talking about random stuff. When out of the blue this other boy comes and grabs me. He informs me that I'm going to go dance with him. He doesn’t ask me, he tells me. I look at my sexy friends and I go with the wind. He was sweet and I was flattered. We dance and he pulls me close. He had this little cut hat on so I take it and put it on my head and shake my ass a little. Its fun when its innocent. Then he pulls me close and tells me things that gay boys don’t tell girls. I look at him and give him his hat back. I ask if he's sure he was gay (I had no doubt he was) he laughs and says "Of course I am" with a flick of his wrist, "but you are cute." I say thank you but I'm confused. He takes me to go get a drink, he buys me a beer, kisses me on the cheek and tells me not to move that he has to go to the 'boys room'.
I feel like jerk for leaving, but situations like that freak me out. I went back to hang with my sexy ass friend (of the female nature) she hugged me and I was o.k. I don’t doubt that the boys I meet are gay but this happens to me often and I'm not quite grabbing the concept. The women don’t want me and the men that do are gay. I'm lost.
Please feel free to comment and for the record, I love my gay men but I'm just trying to really figure this one out. So if this article offends take it with a grain of salt.
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| Today |
| 11.13.03 (12:12 pm) [edit] |
Its 10:30 in the morning. I have been awake for three hours and this is how my day has unraveled. I go to take my sister to school at 7:30 am. We drive 10 minutes and my car starts smoking. Literally it look like someone put a fire out and it just started to make this sizzling sound. "Not today, please" as I watched the fog surround me as I pull into the gas station. I put my head on the steering wheel and my sister starts giggling, she knows I've had shitty moments. "Is it gonna blow up?" she asks. I look at her and smack her. "Come on lets get out" she said.
I call my trusted buddy who I know is gonna be a little annoyed but will come and rescue me. I was standing in the parking lot holding a hot cup of coffee and two hot pockets since I'm not gonna really get a lunch. I felt like one of those kids who get forgotten after school. Sad and wondering what the hell????
What is so bad about it??? Oh where do I begin. Today I have an appointment with the court to get rid of that little "jail day" that I still owe and tonight is my last DUI class. I lost the paper work that I need to get the "jail day" taken care of in the frenzy to try to fix the car issue this morning. Meaning I have to go to the court house, get a copy (from disgruntled people who hate people like me cause we lose our paperwork) then go over to the other office and try to get put on the calendar. I'm fortunate enough to have someone who will lend me the truck to take care of the above issues. I'm sitting here wondering how much its going to cost me to fix whatever is wrong with my car. I'm sitting her thinking I should invest in a flask to hide in one of my work drawers for emergencies such as these. I want to go to bed and start over. I think the only reason nothing else has happened is cause I'm safely sitting at a desk and there is a globe still hanging above my head.
This can only get better right?
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| Exposed |
| 11.12.03 (5:51 pm) [edit] |
Its getting lonelier
The days are darker now
Time has passed
Everyday a solid reality
That you aren't coming back
It wasn’t supposed to end this way
I broke myself against your edges
I let myself fall
I often ask myself why
And your voice haunts me
"if anything should happen
know that its not because of you"
was the my signal?
was that my red flag?
I heard you
But it didn’t register
We were laying there
You were running your hands
Through my hair
I've cried tears dear friend
I've tried to mend my wounds
But they bleed over
Endless rivers of pain
And loss
And misunderstandings
I needed to believe in us
And you let me
Then you finished me with goodbye
You stripped me of myself
I feel naked and exposed
They all knew
Because I changed
I won't mention your name
I took down all your pictures
I put it all away
But you are there
Just like you've always been
Do you think of me?
Not that I'll ever know that answer
I'd be too afraid to ask
If I see you again
What would become of me?
Where do I even begin?
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| The little globe that could. |
| 11.12.03 (4:44 pm) [edit] |
I don’t care about my lighting. I'm not doing a close up of my not so hot features. No one cares that I sit in the dimly lit front room. There are windows and I have a desk lamp, not to mention a second set of lights above the sink. I happened to like that it was lit that way. It fit my moods. Its perfect. Right in between like me. Not to dark and not to light. But noooooooo someone had to go and make an issue of it. WTF???? It's a freakin light people!
So it started last week when the Boss-man mentioned it to me. My co-worker over heard it and it became a "are you going to get the light" and "you know if boss-man brought it up it needs to be addressed" and "when are you going to put that light in" and "we really need to get that done" and "Have you asked Billy to help you".
First off, I wasn't comfortable with having a cheap Ikea globe hanging over my head. What if it caught on fire and it fell on me?? (Yes cause we all know things happen to me). I mentioned the issue. "Well we still need to go ahead and fix the lighting in there". I gave up. I asked for the assistance of my co-worker. I asked politely. I knew he was busy and I said that when ever he got a minute that would be great. He said "Yeah no problem. Just let me get a couple of things done." I didn't think about it all day. He was after all doing me a favor. I would have done it myself but I'm too short to reach even on a ladder. I looked like a five year old trying to reach for a lollipop that was hanging right above my head.
Tell me why half an hour ago said co-worker comes to ask me again. If I had something in my hand I really would have been tempted to pop her in the freakin forehead. I TOLD YOU that we were going to take care of it.
"yes Billy is going to help me as soon as he gets a minute"
"did he say he was going to do it today"
"yes as soon as he gets a minute"
"well that’s not good enough. You need to remind him to give you a hand"
At this point I was telling myself to breathe. I don’t get angry often but for some reason I get easily aggravated with this particular co-worker. I get on the phone tell Billy that I realize that he is busy but that it needed to be done now. He came and helped me. It took all of five minutes. ARE YOU HAPPY NOW????!!!!
Now there is this huge round globe hanging over to the right of me. I looks like a cheap pinata. My little haven is now full of light. I think I know what a christmas tree feels like now. All lit up and they don’t even get a choice in the matter. I hate it. I'm going to make it a point to NOT use my desk lamp and to NOT turn the "kitchen" lights on either. A$$holes.
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| Regarding Cupid |
| 11.11.03 (11:32 am) [edit] |
I have a headache this morning. I can't tell if its from the hangover or from the little mis-adventure I had last night. I drank a bit much, un-intentionally of course. I think it was the Bacardi that I killed before we got into the club. It's a ritual. Its cheaper than buying drinks inside. You just down a half a pint of your favorite liquor and "it's on". I was warm before I even got into the place. I was gonna call into work but then I decided not to do that. I got home at 400am. I don’t know how this happened. There are gaps with the time.
If you all read the post from last Monday. I'm gonna kick Cupid's ass when I find him for aiming me towards girls that have other interests already. I have come to the conclusion that its me. Someone's theory is that I don’t put out the energy. We are still discussing this cause I don’t really get it. Have I mentioned that I'm really gonna kick Cupids ass. She was fine. Everyone agreed when they saw her last night but I digress and its over now.
So back to my drunk ass. We dropped some friends off at their place and I got out of the backseat and stepped out into to cold night. Well the cold night slapped me right in the head with one of those long metal wire things that come off of an energy pole. I have a knot on my forehead but unless you were there last night you really missed the joke. I was like "where the fuck did that come from?" these things happen to me often. I'm truly surprised that I haven't broken anything yet. Really.
I just want to lay in a hammock in the Bahamas and pretend that my life is really not that bad. Someone is playing a cruel joke on me. When I figure out who I'm going to kick their ass too.
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| Our Troops |
| 11.10.03 (3:52 pm) [edit] |
I wrote this to a local station hoping it will catch momentum. I felt the need to put into words what most can't. Might as well use my writing for some good. Please feel free to share this link with anyone.
Semper Fi
Hello xxxxxx,
I'm writing you this letter in hopes that it will hit the air waves and help send a message of prayer and hope for our troops in Iraq. I can only imagine how many letters you get a week. The reason I am writing is that on Sunday night I watched the Jessica Lynch story and I was touched. I wasn’t interested in it at first because of the hype surrounding her rescue. I am an inactive US Marine and I believe in our troops the way most believe in God because they are out there fighting "our" war.
I was overwhelmed with emotion and sadness as I watched this story unfold. I began to think of the many troops that have died since this war was declared "over". I began to think of how young most of them are and the fear that they have to face day after day. I began to think of the families that wait at home everyday, praying that they don’t get that ONE call that will change their lives forever. I thought of the clip I saw that very same day of the troops as they knelt in prayer with their rifles in their hands trying to fight back the tears. I wondered if they were tears of fear, pain, loss, loneliness, despair, or of just wanting to come home.
I can't imagine sleeping 4 hours a night with a rifle laying next to me and the sound of live fire surrounding me during those cold nights. I thought of their courage. I also thought of how we are all trained to never question our duty as an American soldier--"Do as you are told". I can't imagine taking aim at a woman and her child because you don’t know whether or not they are going to kill you. Nor can I imagine their doubt in our government--the same government that sit at their big tables full of big names talking about big things while their troops live day to day not knowing whether they will survive.
I often wonder if the troops even think about the future. I have to stop and wonder if any of the families of the higher ups are knee deep in death and destruction. I wonder if they will sit at their table and stare at an empty seat during Thanksgiving dinner--more than likely they will not. They will sit at their tables with ALL their family present, with the biggest turkey and the biggest smiles. I wonder about the many moms,dads, aunts, uncles, daughters and sons that will be missed on that day more than ever.
I think about the troops in a big tent, sitting next to the only men and women that can understand their turmoil. I think of them sitting at the table, blessing the turkey, being thankful to be alive and missing the people they love the most. As the Holiday season approaches, my only wish is that we don’t forget their battles--that we take a moment to reflect on their sacrifices while we live selfishly in ours and that we also take a moment to recognize that the very freedom that we take for granted is the same freedom that they are dying for.
This I hope is only the beginning.
I want this letter to reach out to as many people as it can. I want it to be posted for people to copy and send to the families or friends of the troops. This letter is for the troops that have passed away serving our country. This letter is for the fathers, mothers, daughters, sons, girlfriends, boyfriends, uncles, aunts, cousins, grandfathers, grandmothers and friends that serve our country day in and day out. This letter is to say simply "thank you and we can't wait for you to come back home."
Sincerely,
xxxxxx
ps. if you read this letter would you please notify me? thank you.
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| Willingness....... |
| 11.07.03 (10:18 am) [edit] |
Last night I sat in my DUI class. I'm a week from completing the course. I'm in group now so we have to sit in a circle and we tell our story. Not everyone is in the mood to share. There are alcoholics of the full blown kind. Some have been back two or three times since completing the first timer's course. Last night we had a lot of new people.
What caught me off guard was the 75 year old man who sat across from me. Mr. Henry Johnson. He's been through 3 DUI course's in his life time. Did some jail time in his earlier years. He sat there with the saddest eyes. I tried not feel bad or sorry for him because if I don’t change things, that could be me in a few years. That or I could be dead. The classes are hard only because no one sugar coats their addictions. No one feels sorry for you. No one allows you to feel sorry for yourself. Everyday we make choices while alcoholics make excuses.
Then there was Rick something or other. He was sitting right next to me. He had just gotten out of rehab. He checked himself out. He was coming home to an empty house. His fiance had left him because he had no control. He headed right for the liquor store and drank a half a pint of liquor in the parking lot and a six pack as he headed home. He was pulled over two hours after he checked himself out. I remember as he told his story that my stomach turned because I could smell his hangover.
I remembered what I felt like. How your insides beg you to stop. How when you sweated the liquor emitted through your pores. I remember throwing up blood. I remember still looking for the bottle to take the pain away.
"How many of you still drink and drive?"
My heart dropped. No one raised their hand. I said, "Me".
"Can you say you won't be back?" I took a deep breath and answered, "No I can't."
They tell you that the first step is to accept and to recognize. I've done all that. Here is something most of you don’t know. I'm not supposed to be within 3 miles of a bar or a liquor store. I'm not supposed to get into a car with someone who has been drinking. I'm not supposed to drink anything that will give me a blood alcohol level over a .000. If I drink a sip of listerine, Nyquil or cough medicine and they pull me over I go to jail. I am on probation for three years. Because I blew a .18 on the test. I am not supposed to be able to consume that much alcohol and be able to function. If I drink that amount I am supposed to be in a hospital letting the doctors pump by stomach for poisoning.
I remember the counselor looking at me when I told them my BAC. She asked my age. She asked how long I have been drinking. Then she said with a smile on her face, "I'm sure that hasn’t been your worse has it?" I told her "no" because I can remember that night and I can remember consuming a lot more than that in one night. Then I realized that out of everyone there I had blown the highest. Most were a .12 or .14.
The point of this entry? I'm not sure because I'm not willing to change. Not yet. Though I have made modifications. I'm lucky to have friends now that won't let me drive no matter what. (even if they have to trick me). I allow myself to hand over the keys before I get past the point of no return. not saying that i do that everytime. Only when I know I'm going to get plastered.
There is a man in our class Archibald. He is a man who is ashamed and angry that he is in the class. He really pisses me off. He thinks he's better than everyone in there and he doesn’t try to hide it. Last night he got into it with the counselor because he said that control was more important than willingness. He feels the need to have the control and not the willingness. Finally he stopped arguing. The counselor asked for anyone's opinion. I usually don’t talk. Its not my thing especially among strangers. This is what I said,
"You have to have the willingness before the control. I know I can go to a bar and say I wont drink tonight. That is control. Two days later I'll justify having more than a few because I hadn't done it two days ago. You have to be willing to go into a bar and not have a drink. Anyone can have control but the willingness to change is what will allow you to not come back."
I am not willing to change my need for alcohol. I am not willing to make the good choices. I am not willing to live a sober life. I am not willing to give it up any time soon. Will it be my downfall? I don’t know the answer to that. I'm not sure anyone can give me that answer. I'm not sure I want know the answer at all. It's where I am.
After all that as I drove home last night watching the rain against my window, listening to myself. Replaying the class in my mind. I wanted a drink. I had no money. That is the ONLY thing that stopped me.
Willingness…………
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| In my mouth |
| 11.05.03 (11:33 am) [edit] |
I am having the most tantalizing cookie right now and if I don’t write about it I will forget its taste in my mouth and no one will be able to know. I must share this wonderful thing that I am experiencing. See if have been reading my blog you know that the rain and this weather makes me sad. It does not help that yesterday I bought the most beautiful CD since Sade's "Lovers Rock". I bought Sarah Mclauchlin 's "After Glow". It's sadness makes me ache but lyrically its one of the most amazing albums I've listened too in a while.
Back to the story. I was moping in the moment when I realized that I was a little hungry. So I go upstairs to sift through the stash of snacks and I see this box of cookies. Now I usually say no cause I already have bad eating habits. I make an exception because of my current mood. I come back to my little space downstairs and pour myself a nice hot cup of coffee.
I bite into this chocolate chip cookie and it literally makes my mouth water from the taste. Its soft and its chocolate chunks taste like….well I don’t even know if I can put the description into proper words. Other than if I compare it to sex I'd be really turned on at this point. In fact that’s exactly how I would put it *grin. I can't wait to taste the white chocolate one **drool**. Wish someone were here to share the cookie with but don’t you worry I'll make sure to enjoy every bite.
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| Melancholy Season Seeks Unfrozen Water |
| 11.04.03 (2:41 pm) [edit] |
Autumnal Ice-Dagger Shooting Season Seeking still-warm heart for target practice.
Must be willing to:
-Observe quietly how what was once (seemingly perfectly) green
turns gold and red under low lying November skies.
-Be well-armed with Slow Food appreciation
-Be serious in your commitment to melting the ice
-Know that turmoil lies heavy beneath the surface of even the stillest pond
-Know that even quickly-fallen leaves take time to reveal all their richest colors.
Everyone,don't give up on love. Love is not a pursuit.
It's a random occurance,like spontaneous combustion. It happens for no apperant reason,between unassuming people,and does NOT require that you feed or maintain it. Love precedes ALL words and deeds done between the ones who have it,cuz it's an independent agent- it doesn't ask for your approval or permission to exist,and it leaves on it's own time,if it chooses to leave at all. And when (and if) it's manifestations do go,they always leave a beautiful scar.How you choose to see your new scar is the experience of love you'll carry forever,
So choose wisely.
Lie still and quiet,and it will land.
~~~~unknown author~~~~
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| Shot by the Cupid Man |
| 11.04.03 (10:44 am) [edit] |
I don’t believe in a lot of things. I don’t see my future as being anything different than what it is right now. I certainly don’t believe in love at first sight. Last night we ventured out. I needed to dance. My partner in crime( we'll call him Blondie) wanted to shake his bon-bon. On the way home I heard that "milkshake" song and found that my skin crawled. I knew I had to get out. We go to the Café. Monday nights are "da bomb". Its hip-hop night. Its "move your body like a snake ma" night. There are a lot of girls in there that can go into many videos (and I mean music videos you pervs). Really I mean hip-hop brings out this movement in people. It creates this attitude. People feel it in their toes. I for one can not go into a hip-hop night and not dance and not sing along and not have a good time. Last night was one of those "I don’t want it to end nights".
We get there and in half and hour the place was packed with a lot of good looking people. Men and women trolling trying to find someone to get to know. There weren't any of our regular girls so I really thought it was going to be an early night. I'm sitting there pondering how I can be 'down'. I know I'm not ugly. Though I do have my own personal issues. I think my boobs intimidate people. Really. So I was making a joke about how I need to either lose a good 10 pounds to make myself more desirable or gain a good 30 pounds and totally chop my hair off. (yes I know its funny but there is no room for the middle people like me). We are laughing. We are drinking. At this point I have a really good buzz on. (long island and corona's). Anyway I'm cruising the crowd cause I like watching people and my heart stops. I look at Blondie and he asks whats wrong. I point out what I was looking at. From a distance she was beautiful to say the least. A song plays he grabs me. We are going to conquer the dance floor (which we do well) People have to know our names. Last night was not an exception.
We are dancing and I turn around and she's dancing right next to us. If I had to describe her…..she is a cross between Alicia Keys and Sade and just plain sexy. Now again I always comment on girls (it’s a thing I do) but only on occasion do I use the word sexy. I lose my balance and stop dancing. For some odd reason I am no longer buzzed. I lost it. Blondie taps me to bring me back to reality. I tell him that I think I'm infatuated. He laughs and looks again and it happens to him too. He looks at her and looks back at me. "damn" was all he says. I make a goal of at least finding out her name. I needed to know her name. I chug down my beer trying to capture my buzz back. We continue to dance and then I have to go to the restroom and I needed another drink. He buys the drinks and I head for the bathroom. I'm standing in line. I'm staring at my shoes. I remember that cause when I look up she's standing next to me. I remember my heart stopping and me looking to see where Blondie was so that he could come save me. He does not. Instead he grabs the drinks and gives me the "talk to her you idiot" look. Before I could get anything out she starts talking about the lines and the stalls and we have this 5 minute conversation about hip-hop and bars. This continues while we both tinkle. I clean up and wait outside the door. She walks out and smiles. I tell her that I felt the need to introduce myself since we listened to each other pee. She finds this amusing and tells me her name….and I am smitten.
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| Halloween in a bLuR |
| 11.03.03 (10:39 am) [edit] |
I hope everyone had an adventurous night with the ghosts and gouls on Friday. I myself had a wonderful time (at least that I recall) Let me begin by saying that a friend trecked from Kansas City to visit this little pea body. Friday started slow. I was craving liquor as soon as I got up that morning. I knew it was gonna be a long day and I had too much driving to do to really take that risk. So the day was slow and relaxed. Our evening began at 630pm at a local bar. There were six of us that agreed to meet and begin our little evening. We drank some beers. There were a lot of hugs, cracking jokes, lots of "I love you's" and some catching up. We head over to the Pyramid Brewery for "dinner". At this point there were seven. We all squeezed into a booth and order our Hefevizen and some appetizers. It was a merry crowd as we talked about what the evening was going to hold. Who was staying, who was going and so on. That part of the evening ends with a hugs and kisses (but none like the one that was waiting for me at the end of the night).
And then there were four. We pick up two more stragglers along the way. Now we are six. We head towards the city lights. I was feeling good. We went to the liquor store. Picked up some Bacardi and some Red Rum (I've never heard of this one). We get to the house and everyone gets into their costume. We had a really bright 70's style gay guy, a delicious babe with a pimp hat, a goulish demon, and there was me. I put on a dark shirt, some black wings and a face mask. Call me a fairy, call me a fly. I don’t know what I was, all that I know is the wings were glittery. Three of us consume the half liter of barardi, straight up with no ice and chase it with some peach Snapple. The others par-took in some smoking of the green monster. We finished that bottle in half an hour. I couldn’t feel my legs at this point.
We head for the much talked about Castro. I'm not sure how to describe the chaos. Half cause I was overwhelmed the other half cause I don’t really remember. I know there were a lot of people. We decided to head into the Café instead. Again my memory fails me. I remember standing in line talking to a hot chick in a nurses outfit (yumyum). Funny how we have selective memory even when we are drinking. Apparently we go upstairs and go straight for the bar (like I needed anything else to drink). Then I remember being lost. My friends had all managed to disperse without me noticing. I thought to myself if I stand at the top of the stairs they'll find me. I tried to focus on the crowd but everything was just bright and blurry. I decided to wander back to the bar to get myself a Corona. I don’t know what happened after that. I know we all managed to find each other again. I remember going to get pizza at Nazario's. I remember stumbling up that hill and laughing at God knows what. We get back to the apt and pass the hell out.
What and why I woke up at 730am the next morning is beyond me. With only a slight hangover and more energy that I knew what to do with. I had no idea where my wings were. They must have found their way to wing heaven.We proceeded to get the rest of the house up. Laughing and joking. This is where I would have preferred that everyone just forget. Apparently all the memories came flushing back to me. I was accosted at the bar by the ferrit lady. Now let me explain this story. A couple of weeks ago there was a women at the bar with a ferrit on her shoulder. I thought it was the most disgusting thing. Well while I was getting my Corona that Halloween night, she had decided to strike up a conversation with me. If you have seen the movie "Legally Blonde" think of the older woman at the nail shop who had the thing for the UPS guy. **Sigh** Think twin. Boobs and all. I was minding my business having a conversation with my 70's gay guy and the next thing I know she was kissing me! Yes folks this woman decides that she was going to lay one on me before I got away. I remember being very confused. Thinking to myself "What the fuck just happened". All day Saturday I was called Ferrit Lady. Once again I managed to get the short end of the stick. Can a girl get a break?????
**for the record NO SHE WAS NOT EVEN REMOTELY ATTRACTIVE**
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