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| Sex is on my mind |
| 12.30.03 (2:45 pm) [edit] |
So it's not sex that’s on my mind. It’s the act of it. The words. The slow hands. The rush of desire that begins to pulse between your legs. It’s the motion of two bodies coming together. Sex can be crude. It can be unattached. It can be so far away from where you really want to be. We all fill in the blanks the way we see fit. So the thought of having sex with so and so is not the same as having sex with this so and so. Different attractions. Different climaxes and sometimes someone just isn't getting it. The mission is to please or be pleased. To fuck or not to fuck. Randomly giving in to temptation. It brings a weakness to people. Blinded with desire for no one in particular. Just the fantasy of one more time. One last time. One anything. Half way there. Don’t stop. Start over. Make my knees weak with just a kiss. I know I could. What do you want to hear?
I followed you into the empty bathroom. You turn to make sure I was close behind. Not a second later I close the door pinning your hands behind your back and pushing you against the cold dirty tiles. Not a word passes as we kiss, slow long kisses. You exhale as I push my knee between your thighs. I kiss the small of your neck before whispering dirty things in your ear. My free hand slides down unbuttoning your jeans and you lean in. I smile knowing your hunger wasn’t for me but for the need to cum from the touch of my hand. You're half way there. I like to watch you bite your lip. Slow strokes before I slip my hand into your panties. It doesn’t take me long after that. Your tremble and I bite the bottom of your lip. It's over and I have to get back to the dance floor. I turn before walking out, you stand there wondering what the fuck just happened. It doesn’t matter I leave your smell on my hand. I didn’t even know your name.
Any takers……………
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| Random thoughts for a rainy day. |
| 12.29.03 (3:53 pm) [edit] |
I feel like writing about things all kinds of things but there aren't any real beginnings right now. Nothing too funny has happened to me besides my sister stepping on my pants when I hit her and me flying into the wall cause I tripped over myself. They laughed at me for days.
My sister says to me yesterday "Don’t you think its weird that we get along the way we do? With the age difference and all."
"I don’t know. I guess I don’t think about it too much"
She controls me and when she cant she gets pissed off. Its our relationship. Cruzando says that I'm "in love" with my sister and there is an underlying truth. I love her yes. She is my world. She is my balance. Without her there would be no need to set examples. There would be no need for me to try to be better. There would be no need to understand more than what I already know so that I can share it with her. Maybe it's because she's a happier me. Or maybe its cause she loves me unconditionally. Mistakes, moods and all.
I constantly try to better who I am. It started being about me a lot more. Thinking out loud, talking to my therapist (he knows who he is) and even though he constantly pisses me off with his "I don’t have an answer for you" attitude I know why he does it. I cant find the answers that I'm looking for in anyone else and he won't give me the answers that I want to hear. It’s a cruel, cruel world. My imbalances are less frequent but when they hit I get knocked on my ass and every time it takes me a lot longer to come up from it.
Sometimes I wonder if I will wind up in a looney home but I know that’s not gonna happen cause we all struggle. For as many bad times there will always be the good. The ying and the yang. Besides I'm good at seeing me. I know when I'm being destructive and for the most part I always know why.
I don’t remember where I was going with this. I'll leave it where it is and for the record I read today that Jenna Jameson would "bathe in Britney's sweat". Now that is a thought of its own.
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| The Scientist |
| 12.26.03 (12:54 pm) [edit] |
They are my words slowly brushing against your skin. Red leaves of passion hanging of the branches of a black tree. Slow whispers into lost dreams. Walking carefully against each other. Too afraid to hang on. Too afraid to let go. Words leak from my eyes as you look past me. My senses are blurry as I try to look into you. There we are after long pauses. There we are after cold nights. There we are always finding our way back through the trenches of our complicated lives. To love you would be a pleasure that only my soul could understand. Its not for the world to get. Its not for anyone else to comprehend. This is our way. How many times can we travel here to the same place where things begin again. How long will we last this time. I can not touch you. I can not feel you. I can only understand your invisible walls.
Coldplay--The Scientist
Come up to meet you, tell you I'm sorry
You don't know how lovely you are
I had to find you
Tell you I need you
Tell you I set you apart
Tell me your secrets
And ask me your questions
Oh let's go back to the start
Running in circles
Coming up tails
Heads on a silence apart
Nobody said it was easy
It's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be this hard
Oh take me back to the start
I was just guessing
At numbers and figures
Pulling your puzzles apart
Questions of science
Science and progress
Do not speak as loud as my heart
Tell me you love me
Come back and haunt me
Oh and I rush to the start
Running in circles
Chasing our tails
Coming back as we are
Nobody said it was easy
Oh it's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be so hard
I'm going back to the start
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| Another Monday Night |
| 12.23.03 (1:52 pm) [edit] |
I am having Vodka and Sprite for breakfast. No I am not lying. No one will notice and I have Altoids in my drawer. No one worry please. It's just to help with the hangover. After last night I am giving up Monday nights. I could give you a list and go on and on but whats the point. I get myself to make promises and break them all. I'm gonna miss Mondays but no more. I cant go out and play it cool….there is just no way out of it.
I have a crush on a friend (If you are reading this you know who it is if you have been here). Its not so much a crush as it is…just caring for her in a way that’s pretty particular. Like when she's dancing you try not to watch her. Or when she's talking to other people you try not to get jealous. You wink at her when she walks on by. You give her a hug when shes close enough. You watch as the rest of the world falls in love with her too. She's a hottie what can you do? Especially when she wears jeans that hang of her hips……ugh. It’s a confession and I'm still drunk maybe I'll take it off here tomorrow. Or maybe not cause it’s the truth and I know for a fact she has other people tell her that all the time. I think Cruzando is in love with her but I'm not jealous cause its him. Anyway shes a Fab gurl. I love her. She knows it….I digress.
Last night everyone was out. I think I danced a lot since my legs are a little sore. Have I mentioned that I'm still drunk…I'm gonna go drink some more Vodka. I smell good though. There is one thing that I love. I always smell good. I'm a good smelling girl
xoxoxoxoxoxo
P.s I started this post at 1030 am. It is now 200pm. I am officially drunk again. I'm a lush and a happy girl right now. but I don’t have a hang over!!!
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| My Immortal |
| 12.22.03 (4:26 pm) [edit] |
if you have not heard this song it comes highly recommended.
My Immortal
Evavesence
"My Immortal"
I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
'Cause your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone
These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase
[CHORUS:]
When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me
You used to captivate me
By your resonating mind
Now I'm bound by the life you left behind
Your face it haunts
My once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away
All the sanity in me
These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase
[Chorus]
I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
But though you're still with me
I've been alone all along
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| Asia SF (Man or Woman???) |
| 12.22.03 (3:45 pm) [edit] |
So its been a while since I've posted something amusing in here. So here it is. Last night we went to a restaurant in SF called 'Asia SF'. It was a small holiday party. There were four of us scheduled to go. I had never been though they had raved about it for a while now. Anyway Cruzando and I arrive a little early. (Yes he's around for a lot of the fun stuff). We are greeted at the door by this cute boy with curly hair. There is a curtain we have to walk through to get to the restaurant part.
Ladies and Gents we walk into a long room with small tables surrounding the perimeter of the walls. In the center is a long gorgeous bar. On one side is the bartending service on the other is this wider red, walk way area. The walls change colors and its dimly lit. We sit down and our "waitress" comes to our table. This is a bar where you can have dinner and are entertained by transvestites! OMG o.k we sat there looking around having our secret conversation before our bosses show up. We are trying to figure out how we are supposed to keep it "straight" in this environment. The music is happy, the mood is generally eclectic. I'm trying not to look at this chick who I SWEAR I couldn’t believe she was really a man at some point. We order drinks deciding if we get a quick buzz it wont be too bad. He orders the Mojito and I order Leilani's Sex kitten (this drink is a mix of Sake and peach snapps) I order it cause it has the words 'sex kitten' in it. No questions asked its gotta be good right??
Our bosses get there and they are giddy with anticipation.
"you guys like it in here?!"
"yeah its something else."
"good wait till you see the shows!"
It's a three course meal with a $30 minimum. The food was amazing but the dessert was what made it worth staying for!!! OMG that banana split was sooooooo good. Needless to say our boss bought us two rounds of shots and I had three sex kittens ( I know no one believed I was going to have just one??) but because of the food the buzz wasn’t as good as I wanted it to be. Back to the shows! There were the ones that were obvious men but the two that had me and Cruzando trippin were the ones that you just looked at and were like "damn" (Trick$ter, Stormyweather, Sukrmom 2, Vanative, Tiny== you know what I'm talking about) One of them performed "Cant get you outta me head" ~~my theme song for months and I was in love with that video ***drool~~~ She had some legs on her that I would have traveled but hey it wasn’t gonna happen so its o.k to say that. (no they werent like Hawaii, I have yet to see that in SF)
It was funny and at some point I started to look at all the people in the bar. Mind you these girls bring out the pretty of SF and some were hiding in that bar last night. I was trying really hard not to say too much but by the end I didn’t care. Cruzando was just laughing the whole time, he did a MUCH better job than I at not letting his guard down but I'm not in the military anymore!!! Anyway I saw this girl sitting across from us and at this point I didn’t know what was man and what wasn’t. I had to go to the bathroom and she was there in front of me. I didn’t want to stare but you know me and me curiosity. I think I would have bet my paycheck that she wasn’t a man and neither was the red head with blue eyes standing behind me.
It was a trip worth taking. If any one of you come to visit, count on this for a place to go in SF. VaNative I believe you will be the first one of the group. I CAN'T WAIT!!!!
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| Already like so many others. |
| 12.19.03 (10:15 am) [edit] |
Damn. I'm hung over. I'm wanting to do the nasty and its only 9:00 am.
I got into it with my sister last night. She wanted to know why I liked to drink and I think I gave her every answer that I could think of. She probably should not have asked me since I was already drunk but I think she worries and she needed to know. At the end I couldn’t give her an answer and I became an asshole. I need to apologize. I don’t really remember what it was that I said but it was enough for her to get pissed off and walk out. I think I made her cry but she wouldn’t let me see. I am an asshole.
Don’t ask me why I drink. I just do. It's an excuse for any alcoholic. It's probably the reason things don’t work out with me and people. Eventually they get fed up. Writing about it helps. I can come back and read it later. See if I've made any process. See if I've gone back to old habits.
Yesterday was just emotional. I got some news about someone in my past. I didn’t know how else to deal. I should not have taken that first drink. Deep down I already knew where it was going to lead. I called a friend just to talk and when she picked up she was singing. It was the cutest moment I think I've experienced in a while and I started to get all teary eyed. I thought it was her voicemail and she was singing to her girl. It made me emotional. We talked briefly. She made me smile. Thank you.
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| There is no title. |
| 12.18.03 (10:43 am) [edit] |
I woke up this morning with a clear mind. Last night I was sitting in my room. Listening to some Patsy Cline, actually it was various artists covering her songs. Anyway I was cleaning up my room (sometimes there is clothes everywhere).I am so lazy about this, but I went to go pick up some water bottles and I saw the edge of my bag sticking out from under my bed. I had stashed it in my car for weeks and I had brought it in last week so that it wouldn't get stolen if the car was ever broken into. What's in the bag you wonder? It's my life scribbled down in notebooks, napkins, the back of fliers, and so on. I hadn't looked in it for over 7 months now. I've gotten messages on here telling me to write. Write a book. Write a story. Write, write, write. Other than this blog I hadn't written anything down in a while. It stopped coming to me. Sometimes it pours out of me. Sometimes when I try to get it out, it won't even drip.
I have a confession. I have written a book. There is only one of it. I did it this year. It took me four years to create the words that would finally lay in it. It took me three days to put it together. I went to the art store. I bought the necessary items. I put it together from scratch. I glued the binding. I picked the colors of the paper. (its cover is black, the inside lined with red leaf paper). I tied the string that holds the pages together. In each fold I placed a dot of my favorite oil. So that if and when it was opened I would still be there. It is a one of a kind. I think of it often. I fell in love with it when it was done. I promised that one day I'd write it. When it was completed I wanted to keep it for myself. It exists. Out there. For someone to read. I know that its where it belongs.
I've started a lot of things this year. Finishing some, walking away from others. For the record I did the drumming thing for a month. It didn’t turn out to be what I expected so I'm going to put that on the shelf for now. I don’t have the means or the place to get a drum set to really practice so I'm moving on to other things. Who knows where I'm headed really. I'll have my moments of complete insanity and my moments of clarity. One day I'm hanging on, the next I'm letting go. Some days I'm ready to roll with the punches. Other days I don’t know how to get back up from them. I am a poet in motion. A dreamer of dreams. A slave to emotions.
P. S. someone corrected me on the proper use of the original title.
so i took it out.
There were always in me, two women at least, one woman desperate and bewildered, who felt she was drowning and another who would leap into a scene, as upon a stage, conceal her true emotions because they were weaknesses, helplessness, despair, and present to the world only a smile, an eagerness, curiosity, enthusiasm, interest.
--Anais Nin--
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| F*ck me? No. F*ck you. |
| 12.16.03 (1:45 pm) [edit] |
I'm done with Monday's. We no longer have a loving relationship. It's cheating on me with all of SF and I can longer bare the pain it causes me. I got ripped last night for no reason what so ever. Other than me wanting to be drunk. I'm in a pissy mood. I didn’t come to work till 12:30pm. I got home at 3:00 am only to get up at 730am to take my sister to school. On the way back I decided to call and go back to bed. I wasn’t going to be able to function properly. I didn’t have a hangover yet because I was still drunk. So I slept and I could have slept all day but I didn’t want to take advantage. I do need my job after all.
I'm mad at myself cause I smoked a cigarette last night. I'm mad at myself cause I've been bingeing for a week straight. I'm mad at myself cause I drove home (so much for f*ckin change). I'm mad at myself for all my insecurities. I'm mad at myself cause I can't find peace. I'm mad at myself cause I miss Hawaii (even though I'm in a better place now). I'm mad at myself cause I always want to be somewhere else. I'm mad at myself cause I'm me.
Don’t bother commenting. This is just a rant. I don’t want to here about how "wonderful" you all think I am. Bah with all that.
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| The Party, secrets and Britney |
| 12.15.03 (11:54 am) [edit] |
hey kids,
So I have a boyfriend now. Cruzando accompanied me to the company party last night so we know what that means. I really didn’t want to go by myself and we played the role really well. There was no making out (thank god it wasn’t necessary). I think a couple of times I had said something and he went to smack me but I reminded him that he couldn’t because people were gonna think he beats me *grin. Anyway the party was alright. Really casual and people mingling and drinking. Cruzando gets a complex cause I'm usually a beer ahead of him so I told him to catch up and be the man and go get me a drink. We drank drink for drink last night though. Well until later when they started serving three dollar margaritas or I should say tequila on the rocks with a splash of sweet & sour. Holy crap where do these people learn to mix??? Not that I was complaining because I drank mine happily. I think over all it was a good time but rather uneventful. Except for the time when we went to take a company picture and one of my co-workers grabbed my ass (damn this is funnier this morning than last night). We got all posed for the picture and as soon as it snaps and people start separating and there is this hand that goes into my back pocket for a squeeze. I jump naturally cause I know there were nothing but girls behind me and there she is grinning. I start laughing cause I'm not sure what to make of it. We innocently flirt but last night she had one too many wines and really went with it. Then when we were pulling numbers for our gift from the Bossman, (who didn’t give us a bonus this year, which I'm sure has to do with the fact that he just bought a piece of land up in Canada to build another house but no I am not bitter) she comes to sit on my lap. He just kinda looks at me and I just shrug and make the "too many drinks" motion. He laughs and walks away.
Cruzando and I go dancing. We didn’t want to go home and we needed a little more culture in our night so we had for the gayer area. My girls were there ( HI LADIES). I am overjoyed and my night is now perfect.
I have started a trend in my office. I told a co-worker who is a reality show watching chick that I am a dork but I really wanted to go to the Britney concert (I'm not going to hear her sing people). She freaks out because she said that she has a really bad crush on Britney and she doesn’t know why. (duh have you seen her body?) Anyway. I'm like "No?? really? Me too!" So we have this long conversation about her and then she says "***** has a crush on her too" I just start laughing. She tells me that if I get tickets I HAVE TO tell her. I didn’t get the tickets. All the good seats where gone in the first hour. I'm not paying $80 to watch her on the big screen. I wanted her to sweat on me. If I was going to admit that I went to her concert I wanted to be able to say that I was right there. So this morning ***** asks me if Cruzando was o.k with me having a crush on Britney. This is how the conversation went :
"So is Cruzando o.k with you having a crush on Britney?" she asks.
"Yes, he's a perv he totally encourages it," I answer.
"My BF does too. He thinks its funny because its another girl"
"Actually," I begin. "If I HAD to be with a women it would be Angelina Jolie. The thing with Britney is just recent."
She looks at me and says, "You have good taste. If I had the option I wouldn’t hesitate."
I laugh and tell her "Yeah I told Cruzando that if it happened that I loved him but it was so over between us."
This of course is just a stepping stone for other confessions I'm sure. Now every time they walk by my desk they look at me with the "you know my secret" look and of course since we all have BF's and like Britney they no longer feel alienated. This I think is the funniest thing in the world and its just one of those little pleasures cause they don’t know everything *grin.
So if anyone asks I've known Cruzando for 11 years (this is truth and I just realized how long that really is. I'll have to tell the Cruzando story but only upon request and its o.k with him), anyway we only recently started "dating" but if things don’t work out we are comfortable enough to still be really good friends (this is truth as well).
Britney-
Just put your lips together... and blow
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| Changing Me |
| 12.14.03 (12:25 pm) [edit] |
Sometimes it feels like you just want to yell. Give it all up. Fuck it. Fuck the world. Sometimes when you get up in the morning and its empty inside. You can't help but wonder why. Why? If I'm alive, I'm not starving or on the street. I have friends. I have family. What is it that I'm stilling looking for. Were the answers always there? Whispering to me as I slept. Slowly killing my soul. What were the questions that I was asking? Sometimes when I get up (like today) I don't care too much about what has been. I look out the windows and I feel apart from myself. Silent. Comfortable in my own weaknesses and vulnerabilities. I've bled dry. I've landed at the bottom of my fall.
Korn--I did my time
Realized I can never win
Sometimes feel like I have failed
Inside where do I begin
My mind is laughing at me
Tell me why am I to blame
Aren't we suppose to be the same
That's why I will never change
This thing thats burning in me
I am the one who chose my path
I am the one who couldn't last
I feel the life pulled from me
I feel the anger changing me
Sometimes I can never tell
If I've got something after me
That's why I just beg and plead
For this curse to leave me
Tell me why am I to blame
Aren't we suppose to be the same
That's why I will never change
This thing that's burning in me
Betrayed
I feel so
Enslaved
I really
Tried
I am the one who chose my path
I am the one who couldn't last
I feel the life pulled from me
I feel the anger changing me
(2x)Oh God the anger's changing me
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| Visiting my Dreams |
| 12.12.03 (12:05 pm) [edit] |
Hey beautiful girl standing there in my dreams. Incasing my heart with your kisses.
Why is it only there that I can find you? This heart is yours yet you torment me as soon as I close my eyes. Whispering promises. Holding me still. All I want to do is love you. Even in my state of unconsciousness you remain my poison…… and I yours. You have come more often in this last month. Is your heart missing me now? Are we done avoiding our last dance? It seems that in this moment of cold seduction its your warmth that I crave. Everything about you was soft. Your lips. Your hands. Your curves. Your voice. My hands had them all memorized. In my dreams I stay quiet. I'm afraid to say the wrong thing and then you'll go away again. I cant keep saying goodbye when all I want is to say hello. If I cant have you with my eyes open then all I want to do is sleep. I just want you near. Laughing. Covering your mouth when you know its too loud. We don’t have to say anything there. It hurts to be awake if I can't speak to you. If at anytime you think that what I feel has faded just look into me. You'll always know where to go.
Strange, you're still in all my dreams
Oh what a funny thing
I still care for you
Oh, how strange
--Patsy Cline
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| The Porn Report Pt 2 |
| 12.11.03 (9:02 am) [edit] |
I hope you all got enough rest to continue with the reading of my little adventure. Where was I? Ah yes the porn shop. You know I was thinking that I'm glad they didn’t have the greatest selection and that sex kittens weren't working behind the counter or we wouldn’t have left the damn store. **sigh** sex kittens…..but anyway.
We gather our paper bag of dirty mind treasures and run back to the car. (yeah we jogged as soon as we got out of the door). We drove back to his place and wandered into his little art room. I love this room. It smells of incense and old space. Its filled with books, magazines, random pictures, some of his work, posters you get the idea. It’s a good sex room if he could sneak people back there without anyone knowing I'm sure it would be a pimp layer. So we get some corona's and a mini tequila bottle each. I'm going to mention that though there is a bathroom but there is no fridge (being the artists that we are, we create a beer tree outside) because of the cold weather it made complete since to chill them outside and it worked! We turn the space heater on and let the critiquing commence. We couldn’t decide which to watch first so I pick one out of the bag without looking.
I pick "The Spice Boyz". I was nervous. I'm not sure how I feel about man on man sex. Its really not something I think about, ever. Not that I don't think that its not sexy, cause when I'm out and I see things I go "hmmm" but back to the flick. I'm not going to break down the movies. That is pointless. It’s a gay boy flick but it brought up my issue with limp penises…..I laughed a lot and so did Charlie but I'm sure he was laughing at me and my comments. I know its childish but I think a limp penis looks like a long nose attached to a mustache and though the penis is pleasing. Limp it is a joke. I'm glad I don’t have an extra long nose attached to my lower regions. We watched A LOT of this in fast forward (I get it folks I get it!) but we agreed that it was just bad porn. It wasn’t hot sweaty horny sex. They were just man-whore's running from room to room getting their cocks sucked or stroked or you know all that other stuff. We discussed lube and spit and of course the taking it in the hole issue. I read somewhere that this may cause some people to not be able to have bowel movements. I will never take in the back end. Bowel movements are essential to the human body. I wonder if they post warning signs in the porn bathrooms
"Caution taking it in the a@@ could possibly mean that you have to use Exlax to have a bowel movement happen. If this does not help please consult a physician."
So this one ended quickly it was bad. Charlie kept saying it and I'm sure he was just trying to reassure me that the rest couldn’t possibly be that bad. So this time I put Jenna Jamison in. I knew of her (see the Britney post) and I was curious to see what all the rage was. We were still consuming beers from our beer tree (well I should say I was). We take half of the tequila and drink it down. I was starting to get buzzed. We click on the anthology and we watched the first 15 minutes. It was interesting. I found an honest interest in how her career came about but after a little while Charlie was like "Is there any porn on the tape?" I fast forward and JACKPOT! Now let me just say that Jenna is cute. Like not Playboy hot but there is this cuteness about her. I think its cause she doesn’t look like a nasty white trash whore. She's a wholesome one. I think we decided she looked like one of The Littles (damn that was funny last night) maybe its cause there wasn’t this loud whorish moaning but more like a squealing thing that she has going but not like a pig. Its cute I tell you! What bothered us both was the music. It wasn't sex crazed music. It was elevator music. It was really, really, distracting because they are going at it but the music is not even climactic. Its just this crappy tune. We discussed who would make good sex music: Korn, Limp Bizkit, Nine Inch Nails. That good shit you know?? I think during one of the scenes we didn’t even pay attention to the music but I'll get to that soon. Anyway I was also transfixed on Jenna's tattoo. It’s a heartbreaker tattoo on her ass. I really, really found it attractive. I know I must have told Charlie that at least one hundred times. Well that and she has a nice ass and she had one on her neck too (sexy place, very sexy place for a tattoo). I knew this girl that had one there. I wanted to suck on it but anyway (see what this porn is doing to me!) There was a lot of hetero sex. The costumes were so funny. I think total there were six actual scenes that they showed. We watched a good 30 minutes of this DVD with no fast forward and we fast forwarded through the last 3 scenes.
Now I'm gonna say that I was looking forward to the girl on girl scene. I think Charlie stopped drinking his beer at some point cause the TV had his full attention. Jenna reacts differently with women. I know I'm not supposed to be analyzing it but I wasn’t gonna "get into" it with Charlie sitting next to me. Anyway she had on the F*ck me boots! I think those have got to be the sexiest shoes that were ever created. Especially on long legs….OMG. For those that don’t know what they are, they are the boots that lace up the front and go all the way to your knees. Creating this vision of sexiness. Anyway the scene was good. Really good actually. I don’t think we talked all that much but we did mention how girl on girl is hot. We discussed orgasms ( I think she had like 5!) I know she was sore but anyway I explained all that to Charlie. I feel like we bonded on a level that isn't very common ground with us. He does his thing and I don’t do anything. He laughed a lot, I'm sure I seemed like this 5 year old to him, but I know it's alright. I'm not going to post all the details. Needless to say I am a Jenna fan. Crooked tooth, little squeal, tattoos, sexy body and all.
Paradise Lost I was impressed with. Maybe the beers and the tequila had lightened my mood on how I felt about porn. I no longer felt dirty we were having such a good time. I'm sure Charlie's stomach was sore from all the laughing at me and I was being so ridiculous. I was learning new things?! I wasn’t gonna stay quiet. I had things to say damn it! The reason for liking paradise lost? It was more artsy. Though I was thoroughly confused about what the plot was. Charlie told me to let it go. I really wanted to understand. There is this part of me that just feels the need to know. I liked how it varied. It wasn’t the same theme all the way through it explored more fantasies than an actual story. Lots of sex. That’s the point right. We watched a lot of this one too. Its two tapes long so we didn't actually WATCH the whole thing but it was good. We decided to put on a real movie after a total of 2 hours of porno. That was more than enough jizz and bodily fluids and limp penis's that I could take.
It was a good time. That I can't deny. Maybe someday we'll have another porn day but for now I'm going back to the MTV and the Nick at Night. I need some purity back.
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| The Porn Report |
| 12.10.03 (12:30 pm) [edit] |
Alright folks this one is full of laughter and adventure. For those that don't know I am not a porn watcher. I don’t like them. Fake noises, squishy sounds, wondering how the hell did she bend that way, or how the hell she put all that in her mouth, or feeling like someone should let the porn world know that it's not suppose to go in there. (yes its o.k to laugh at this point, it can only get better right?) It started out as a simple "what are you doing tonight? wanna watch a movie?" conversation and just took off into the moon. For about twenty minutes I explained to Charlie that I was not going to watch porn with him. I stood true to it until I realized it would give me something new to write about. So here I am and this is how the night unfolded.
We agreed on a time, I went go pick him up. I didn't own any porn and neither did he (or so he says?) I was not nervous about watching the porn with him. We've known each other for a while now and why not? Then it happens we pull up to the place and I feel dirty. Like those old scary men that having nothing better to do than look at really nasty porn all day.
"I should have worn a hoody" I tell him. "Who the hell keeps a porn store that well lit anyway?"
"It keeps the hookers off the corner," he answers. "Come on lets go."
I get out and look to see if there is anyone else around before stepping toward the BRIGHT ass porn shop on the corner. I'm giggling and making ridiculous comments about how dirty I was really feeling. It did not get better when we got inside. To the right of the door was the peep show things (I think you put a quarter in and watch porn and get off) I dont know, never been in one, don’t care to experience that in my lifetime. (who cleans that crap up?? Man I'd hate to have that job) Anyway you can hear the porn and all the extra noises. "what am I doing here?" I ask myself. Charlie at this point has already looked through a lot of the titles. I really had no desire to look through them, I was scared of what I would find. It's not rocket science, its sex. So then I realized that there were a lot of things that I did NOT want to see. I explained this to him and he laughed at me. (this happens a lot)
"Well then you have to pick one out," he says.
"Fine," I say.
I take a deep breath and start going through them. Let me just say that I thought picking a movie at Blockbuster was complicated?! Just as quickly as I picked them up I put them back. I realized that I should have stayed in my innocent room, watching innocent things but no I am at a porn shop trying to decide between "The Sperm Diet" or "Big Black Dicks". I know I must have made some really funny faces as I struggled to find the "right one". I'm not a prude when it comes to sex and I understand that there are different strokes (hahah I said stroke) for different folks but there are people out there with some real issues. Oh and we wanted to be diverse in our pickings. Charlie wanted to make sure that I got the "whole" experience. We had to get a straight one, a lesbian one, and a gay one.
"Are we gonna have time to watch them all?" I ask quite seriously.
He looks at me like I'm from outerspace, "You don’t really WATCH them. That's the thing about porn you can just fast forward to the good parts."
"Oh, right. So uhm can we just pick something and go then?" I was embarrassed. I should have known that.
"We have to pick a gay one. You go look over there," he says.
"I'm not going over there alone. You have come with me."
The gay section in this store was SMALL. In fact they had really, really crappy picks. At least there was variety in the other sections (if that’s what you want to call it). We spend two minutes and go. I rent the movies and the old man behind the counter was taking his SWEET ASS time checking my videos out. Trying to make conversation with me and all I wanted to do was get out of that dirty, icky, BRIGHT ASS video store. If I owned a video store I would have a classy joint, with velvety walls, and dimly lit rooms. Setting the mood and all. (I'm sure they exist somewhere) I felt like I was in one of those bright dollar stores full of nothing but crap. We finally get out of there.
These were our selections. We went with the pretty covers.
"Paradise Lost" (Charlie yelled at me for REALLY trying to figure out the plot)
"The Spice Boys" (this one was horrid)
"The Jenna Jamison Anthology Vol 1" (I have a new appreciation for porn now, but I'll get into that in a minute)
Stay tuned for the main event.......Ciao
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| Randomness |
| 12.09.03 (10:02 am) [edit] |
You know you drank too much when you get up from your desk and everything kind of tilts to the side and you have to give yourself a moment to focus.
Yes folks I danced with the bottle last night. One last song I say each time. One last note. One last word. One last tune. It was good going down and I wasn't planning on drinking the whole thing but I did. I blacked out. So if I called you and talked non-sense I truely apologize. I got lonely at the end of it. There was no one left to talk too after the last drop was gone.
I don't know what I'm doing. I stay home. I don't always answer my phone. I just think and think and think. I try to imagine my life in 5 years. It's blank. I never believed in the future. I live day by day. Hour to hour. The future will be what it will be. All I know is that if I don't allow myself to go through whatever it is that I'm going through right now it will haunt me and I'm ready to let old ghosts go.
Im trying to find where I begin. I'm trying to deal with me and I'm much more complicated than I appear.
This followed me to work this morning: Meloncholy kissed my cold lips this morning trying to warm my cold soul. That tree that made me cry last week has been pruned by winters icey hands. It looks lonely. Standing there empty handed in the cold wind with no where to go.
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| Boob Patrol |
| 12.04.03 (9:29 am) [edit] |
I came into work this morning with a slight hangover. Drinking two bottles of wine and a block of cheese was fun while it lasted. I'm just glad I heard my alarm this morning. I sit down and my crazy co-worker (the one I am always complaining about) comes to my desk and we start chatting cause that’s what we do in the morning. She casually turns to the side and says to me "Dude my boobs are huge". I didn't want to look. So I laugh and just keep on with the conversation but this is not good enough for her. She really wants me to look.
"Will you just look?"
"I don’t want to look at your tits (insert name here)"
"Yes you do. I just bought this bra and now my tits are at my chin"
I couldn’t help but laugh and I look quickly (I really didn’t want to look).
"Yeah they are kinda big today," I reply laughing at the non-sense of our conversation.
"Well I bought a bra that fit and I gained ten pounds but I think 5 pounds went into each tit"
"You are gonna have me staring at your tits now (insert name here"
She found this amusing and giggled. I just started laughing. I didn’t know where this was going or why she chose me to look at her boobs. So as of 8:30 this morning I have been looking at her boobs. It doesn’t help that she is wearing a 50's style tight knit sweat-shirt and even though I am in NO WAY attracted to her, her boobs are just so poking out. It's like when someone says "Look at this zit on my face" and even though I'm sure no one even notices until you point it out, you cant help but look once they mention it.
On a side note my windshield wipers are not working. My father said he fixed them (he replaced the new ones I had purchased two weeks ago). So he takes my mother's car to work and I trust that he really did fix it. I was driving to work this morning and half way here it starts to rain and I click them on and nothing happens. It was pretty funny. I should have known it was gonna be "one of those days" when that happened. I was driving in the rain with no wipers. I'm just glad it really didn’t start coming down cause I would have had to get off of the freeway.
It's boob day and my wipers don’t work. Tell me this day will get better please.
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| Makin it Right |
| 12.03.03 (11:55 am) [edit] |
Your mom is supposed to call me at noon today. Her original call came out of the blue. She's concerned about you about the things that are going on in your life.
I am clueless, we lost contact. Or rather you lost contact. I know what you are trying to do. It was confirmed just recently and my heart dropped and so did the liquor. I contimplated for two days on what to do. The only thing thats comes to mind is makin it right.
I can't be your hero, not this time. You have your reasons for doing what you do. I respect that even if it hurts me in the end. It's always gonna be about you. I swallowed my pride and my anger. I called her back telling her that I wasn't sure that I could fix anything but if she needed to talk to contact me. I'm worried about your daughter, the things that she's facing during your struggles to get it together. Someone told me that I had no real reason to be concerned about her "She's not YOUR daughter". It stung. Like every other reality that I come across.
The other day you wrote me. Explaining things briefly, sending your condolences and I read it over and over again.
You said you didnt know if I "was feeling you" on some things.
The answer I gave you was vague.
What I meant to say was, "Yes. I'm feeling you in everyway."
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| Top 10 reasons to quit drinking |
| 12.02.03 (11:44 am) [edit] |
1. The hang over is ridiculous.
2. No matter how hard you try you cant keep your eyes open.
3. You really believe that no one else knows that you got trashed last night.
4. You start calling strangers "prostitutes" when they really aren't. (trust me people will believe you)
5. You have to eat Altoids all day to prevent the "yuck mouth" syndrome from happening.
6. The bathroom "visits" always smell like last nights liquor. (yeah don't pretend it doesn't happen to you)
7. You have to give up your lunch time for a nap so that you can survive the rest of the day.
8. You don’t really "wake-up" till 3 o'clock that afternoon.
9. Everything from last night is a blur and you spend the day wondering what idiotic things you did or said. (Like its really gonna come back to you..it's over….let it go).
10. You really believe that you made progress cause you spent the night talking to someone who is way out of your league but hey their friends thought you were cute!
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| Weekend update with Silentwordz reporting.... |
| 12.01.03 (9:12 am) [edit] |
Alright so the Thanksgiving dinner was a success! I was hoping for some amusing stories for my loyal readers but somehow I managed to put together a fabulous dinner. It was a little weird not having any of the mom's there but we made it work. Cruzando came to visit in the morning hours, he brought a bottle of champagne. He says it was to celebrate (we find the oddest reasons to do so at times), but I think it was to help nurse his hangover (I'm not holding it against him because I drank half the bottle anyway). The bubbly was nice and by 200pm I had a smooth buzz happening. I knew I could not continue to drink too much cause I had a dinner to put together. We said our "see ya later's" and I took a nice hot shower.
The rest of the weekend was uneventful. I stayed in while the rest if the world was doing what they do. I've been home for two weeks now. Going out only to get groceries or rent some flicks. I was telling a friend yesterday that as I sat in front of the computer and drank some beers on Saturday, I got a little low. I'm 26 and I'm letting life pass me by. Cruzando tells me that its natural for me to feel this way especially after my grandfather's death. I try to convince myself that its possible but I know my self too well to think that it’s the only reason I've gone into hiding.
On a side note. I mentioned drinking twice. Both times it was just enough to get the blood warm. There is a half pint of Bacardi sitting next to bed. It's been there for two weeks as well. I can't bring myself to drink it for the sole purpose of getting drunk. Not one ounce of desire to get hammered fills me. There is something wrong with me. I'm going to give it to Cruzando. There is no point in it sitting there wasting away.
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