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| My Salami Sandwich |
| 02.27.04 (1:01 pm) [edit] |
I'm sitting at the Public Defenders office. It's 1030 in the morning. I haven't had breakfast or even coffee. I had to get up at 600 am so I could be on the bus in time to get me to where I needed to be by 900 am. My stomach lets out a small grumble while I'm waiting for my appointment. Let me tell you that by 1030 it was reciting exactly what it wanted for lunch and how much of it. I try not to let it be too loud but those things are really out of my hands. The attorney smiles at me with his 23 year old preppy smile. Someone should tell him that his tie is ugly but it didn’t matter. He was grumpy and smug. "What the hell did he have to be grumpy about?", I thought as he asked me routine questions about things that happened over a month ago. If I had known I needed to remember details I would have sketched it on the jail wall with the crappy toothpaste that they offered in the morning. Anyway I answered what I could thanked him for 10 minutes of his precious time and went on my way.
I went to a sandwich shop around the corner from work. It was 1110 am. I was in a brisk mood despite the things that were coming my way. My stomach was grumbling like the thunder storm that had just passed through here two days ago. The lady behind the counter was in a cheery mood and it rubbed off. I ordered a salami sandwich on a soft roll with everything on it, adding avocado for .75 cents extra. She mentioned my jolly mood and I smiled saying it was Friday and it wasn’t raining. You have to be happy about the little things too sometimes. She smiled and didn’t charge me for the avocado and even threw some extra cheese on the already huge sandwich! "Damn this is going to be better than a cold beer," I say to myself. I get back to my desk and make room for this delicious piece of heaven that I was about to bite into. Let me just say that it’s a cruel thing to do for food to tease someone as hungry as I was. I hadn't realized that the sandwich was twice the width of my mouth and as I tried to maneuver it into its place the avocado slips out of its appointed place of duty. I look around and put the sandwich back down. I take the little green monster and stick it back in between the buns.
"Work with me here," I tell it.
I smash it together with both hands and attempt yet again to bite into it. This time the tomato slides out of the back end right along with the salami. I put it down and stare it at for a second. If I had been at home, in the privacy of my own room and with 20 napkins laying around I would have tackled this with a neanderthal type of commitment but I was in my front office, at the front desk trying not to take big bites in case the phone rang. I once again pull the buns apart and place everything where it belongs. I squeeze everything together causing the mayonnaise to jizz all over my hands but everything else is in tact. "Oh baby. I got you this time." I take one of the biggest bites possible and in walks my boss. I had mayonnaise jizz on my hands, tomato and avocado bits on my cheeks and salami and lettuce in my mouth. I should have been embarrassed but I just half smiled and chewed the best salami sandwich I have had in quiet some time.
He laughs as he walks by, "Big sandwich you got there." I swallow, take a big swig of my pink lemonade, wipe my face and hands and say , "Yes, yes it is isn't it?"
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| With tears in my eyes |
| 02.26.04 (11:19 am) [edit] |
Cruzando and I had decided that we would meet up with an old friend from high school for some drinks and a small intimate show at the Make-out room in SF. We were going to see one of Cruzando's clients play some of his tunes. I had seen him perform once before and I really enjoy his wrist cutting lyrics. There is something about someone who can write about honest things and make them sound good. Prior to that we decide to eat at a restaurant over on Market. We have a good dinner. We have good conversation and there we are doing what we do. Cruzando is watching the people (it was a little small so we were practically sitting on each other's laps) and I was hating that there was a mirror right next to me. Out of the corner of my eye I was suddenly aware of my nose. Then right before we leave a gay couple walk through the door with a little baby girl in a stroller. I was hit with emotions that I can't really begin to describe. It was this sudden cloud of sadness and happiness all jumbled into one moment. I couldn’t stop the tears that welled up in my eyes. I had seen it before in the movies, on tv, but never up close. I just sat and stared at them. Sitting there with their daughter.
"I think I'm gonna cry," I tell him.
He looks at me and smiles, "Yeah I may be getting emotional too."
"Where is the check?" I ask hurried all of a sudden.
"I don't know I thought we asked for it," he said half laughing.
I tell him something I'll probably never repeat again. It was a moment of complete honesty and I was filled with this urge to go and we needed to go then. The little girl turned around and smiled her little toothless grin. I wanted to touch her. To see if she was real. It was a powerful moment. It won't happen again but for some reason at that moment I wanted to just break down and cry. We go out into the night. I breathe deep and take one look back before walking away. What or why it hit me that way it did I don’t know. We talked about it for a second and he said something that summed it up real simple like,
"It means something."
Then we get into his truck. We are silent. Both I'm sure thinking of the same thing. What if……
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| 69.... |
| 02.24.04 (10:35 am) [edit] |
"(Yeah) What would fuck me up more
Watching her lick her lips
Or watching her walk she hypnotize me with her hips (yeah) man
I sweet talking her if she like
Cause all she really want is a n*gga to treat her right right
Look I'm legit now used to break laws
Now you can reap the benefit of world tours
Big house big Benz girl it yours
Mink coats Italian shoes stones with no flaws
You ain't go to look like a model for me to adore you
All you gotta do is love me and be loyal
Don't Indulge in my past fuck what happened before you
Cause their be some honies gonna hate you that never saw you
Come here let my touch on you I let you touch on me
Put my tounge on you you put your tounge on me
Let me ride on you and you can ride on
We can do it all the night
We can have a balla night"
--G Unit--
I love this song. I heard it on the way to work and it get in this mood.
Anyway. I am 69 on the hot blog list!!! I don’t usually pay attention but I checked this morning cause I was curious. Maybe it’s a lucky number?
- I have decided that Penelope Cruz can talk to me in spanish when ever she wants too and she can dance to the "Kung-Fu Fighting" song for as long as she wants to as well. Cause there is nothing like a girl with pouty lips that dances to the beat of her own drum. (like in the movie I watched last night).
- My life is completely upside down right now and I amaze myself with my humor and my control. Cause damn it I have my days. I think today may be one but I'm not gonna let it sink me.
- I wish the bus would not go right by your work every evening cause I want to throw a rock at your car every time I see it in the parking lot. Yes I am angry. I am done being sensitive and passive.
- Why is it that the people I wish where near me right now are scattered everywhere when all I want to do is blink my eyes and have them NO MORE than a block away. Then again would I want to throw rocks at their cars too? (I wouldn’t put it past myself)
- The latter does not mean that I don’t appreciate the love that I have hear right now but its human nature to always want more isn't it? or is that just me making yet another exception to another rule.
- Why is it that on the morning that I want to start running because I don’t want look like pumpkin anymore it decides its gonna rain. So I went back to bed.
- I'm blah blah blah….you fill in the blanks. No one answered my ad. Not that I would have answered anyone but I wanted to see what would come my way. I am going to marry the toothless bum he wants to call me from his bubble gum cell phone.
- I am going to a straight bar tonight. I am going to convince someone to stray cause I need to feel like I'm worth the words that some people say. I am a woman hear me purrrrrrr.
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| On my way to the Bank |
| 02.23.04 (2:54 pm) [edit] |
I was having a decent Monday. Other than the half & half spilling one me this morning as I tried to pour it into my warm coffee. Apparently I held it too high and instead of staying in the cup it splashed upwards leaving half and half on my forehead and sweater. "Oh good here we go," I thought. For the rest of the day I tried not too move away from my desk I always know where the day is going with a start like that but alas nothing happened until 20 minutes ago.
I was walking to the bank to make a deposit for the company. This has been my duty for about two months now and its nice to go for a brisk walk in the early afternoon. A break from the desk and the typing and the phones and anyway you all get the point. Its nice out. Its sunny and the air is brisk. I am jealous of who ever is outside cause I can not be. I firmly believe that when someone meets your gaze it is polite to say hello not matter WHO they may be. I'm not sure where I got this belief but I have pounded it to none existent in my head after this incident.
There I am taking my stroll and this older guy (we'll place him in the late 30's) is searching through the cigarette butt can outside an office (my first sign). He has shoulder length dreads and three teeth in the front. I suspect he is a bum because of his smell and his clothes. He turns to me as I walk by and I say hello cause he says "good afternoon" first. Well at least he's polite I think to myself. Oh but I spoke to soon cause then he yells (yes YELLS people) "Damn baby can I ride on the back of dat?". I could feel my temperature rise. "He can't be talking to me I think" "I'll just keep walking and ignore him."
Tell me why he thinks it's o.k to follow me for half a block telling me how "if you was my girl I wouldn’t let you walk around all by yo-self." Then comes the kicker he asks me for my phone number!!! I am in disbelief…what the fuck was he going to call me from his bubble gum cell phone?? I mean really. I am not mean to "street people" I believe that I can't judge them. I don’t know what they have been through or why they are the way they are. In general they leave me alone, there is this one guy that sits at the café by our work and sometimes when I have the money I'll buy him some tea (he doesn’t drink coffee he told me once) and a bagel. I was blown away this afternoon. I laughed all the way back from the bank. I was hoping he wouldn’t pop out at me from a bush with his toothless ass grin asking me for some change cause I would have kicked him in his smelly balls.
Damn is this what I have been reduced too? I'm placing a personal add on the internet this afternoon. I cant believe a bum asked for my phone number.
*gag
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| My Fabulous Night |
| 02.19.04 (12:47 pm) [edit] |
It all begin as a birthday celebration. I told you things happen when I drink! First off I rode with a REAL chicken on the bus. Cruzando has got a new pet and let me just say that the chicken gets more love than me. I'm going to have to invest in a pet I decided. He got more action at the grocery store than I've seen in a year. "aw she's so cute", "it’s a real chicken?", "can I pet it?" and so on and so on. I'm standing there in disbelief and he's got this smirk on his face "See they like my chicken". This chicken was with us all night. We left it in the car when we got into the city but not before making sure it got some water, not just ANY water it was Avian water. I'm sure I can go on for hours about this chicken but I'm not going too. It was a chicken. I tried to get Cruzando to let me give her some beer, it didn’t happen. I was sad.
We met at a local hang out, toasted to the beautiful girl (she was wearing my favorite pants). Drinking is not drinking unless you are in good company. Everything tastes better. We laughed, drank and then laughed some more. The mood was right last night. Something about the moon and the stars being aligned or something. Everything was so light. Everything was witty. Everyone was hugging and telling jokes and ripping on each other. Cruzando had his chicken.
We proceed to another bar. This time we have ventured into the city. (I was not driving! I don’t drive anymore. At all. Can you forget HOW to drive I wonder?) It was a pre-flight to the dinner we were supposed to be having *haha. This particular place has red EVERYWHERE. Even in the bathroom. I love it in there with the rotating lights and the cushioned walls and the poles and the candles and the music. The birthday girl and I wound up talking to this REALLY cute guy. The same guy that was standing outside the bathroom door and I nearly fell over cause its really dark in the bathroom due to the RED lights. I commented on him maybe needing a flashlight to go in there. He thought this was funny. I smiled and went on my way only to bump into him again. I commented on his hair and went into this LONG explanation of how much time it really takes for him to get it too look a certain way. The birthday girl and I talked to him for nearly 15 minutes before he invited us to his place for some wine tasting thing that he will be hosting on Sunday. Ricardo was his name and Ricardo was beautiful. He punched his phone number into my phone, commented on how we were cute together, and he really hoped that we could make it (I'm really gonna try to convince the birthday girl to come with me). We parted ways and moved on to get some food.
There were eight of us for dinner. Three of us were already buzzed and giggly and we were having fun. Somehow at the end of the meal Cruzando and I were eating off each other's plates and beating each other up (literally). I don’t know how or why I smacked him after a comment and it just went from there. I realize that Cruzando (though at times can be emotionally crippling) makes me feel like I am loved. This is the part where I tell you what happened to me on the way to the bathroom. I twisted my ankle as I stumbled down the stairs in the restaurant. Apparently, because the hallway is dark, I didn’t see that last step and I just twisted it too hell. Its swollen like a coconut this morning and I am walking like a retired pimp. Thank God there was some bamboo for me to reach for cause my face would have hit the door on the way down. It hurts though I didn’t feel it at all last night. We then went to the Café Bar to dance and play pool. Well I didn’t play but they did. I remember dancing. I remember talking to some girl and the birthday girl moving in on me to see what I was up too. I remember drinking more I think. I remember walking around. Cruzando tells me that I asked him 9 times how we were getting home. I remember at the end of the night the birthday girl grabbing someone else's GF to go dance and me thinking it was funny until I got stuck talking to her BF. They swing and he asked if the birthday girl and I were a couple, "Maybe we could hang out some time". I told him we weren't interested and ditched him by saying that I had to go to the bathroom. The end however are mostly blanks. I remember being sad and sitting on a stool over by Cruzando and pouting cause I WAS NOT supposed to get that drunk. I wanted to go home. The birthday girl was lost to the world. She attempted to play pool. She was talking to the couple. I wanted to save her but I couldn’t even save myself. I wanted to be sober again. I missed her flashing all of SF because Legs had flagged me down to say hello while she pumped her gas as we left. Overall it was not bad. I had fun and I laughed. I was with people who I adore. Yes, I was drunk but I was safe. I drank tequila and didn’t have any incidents! This is a very good thing.
Cruzando I love you. Not matter how retarded I can be when I'm drunk.
P.s there is a sober version of the restaurant on Calihockeychick's page on the right :)
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| My Pinky is purple |
| 02.18.04 (11:20 am) [edit] |
This weekend was uneventful (what else is new) other than me working and sleeping not too much is going on. My big day is Friday. **sigh** I will be appointed to a public defender and given a new court date which will entail what they decide to do to me. I'm living la vida loca (NOT). You know I don’t even trip of this anymore. Sometimes you fuck up and you learn to just deal with it. I am not an alcoholic though I have the potential to be. I am not the only one that drinks. I am not the only one that enjoys partying. I am not the only one drinking and driving. I am not the only one that craves a drink after a long day. I am not the only one that enjoys a damned good beer buzz in the morning. Has anyone else noticed that my blogs have been deteriorating since I stopped drinking during the week??? Well I have. I don’t know how I plan to keep the reader's coming back. (yes I worry about this). It's a satisfaction to me when I know people are clicking my way to see what is going on but before I bore you let me get to my story.
On Saturday as I was toiling away in the not so hot sun. I like working outside. Its nice to be out in the open air doing something active instead of fingering my keyboard all day. I was helping this pesky man place some pots in the front of the store for payment. I nested (for those that don’t know its placing pots in one another) his pots since he didn’t seem to want to make some space for the people around him. I place a smaller pot into the bigger one and before I had a chance to realize what I was doing my fingers were caught between the pots. I should really say smashed since I couldn’t manage to squeeze either hand out. Have you ever put a ring on and then tried to take it off only to find that you couldn’t get it passed the knuckles??
"My fingers are stuck," I say. Half hoping he would try to lift the pot off my little hands. Oh no. He just stood there and half laughed. I just look at him. "You mother fucker," I thought. If he had been standing close enough I would have kicked him. He not only just stood there he didn't call for anyone to help me. My boss was inside the building within earshot.
I call her name. Only half interested she says, "I'll be right there."
"No, my fingers are being smashed and I need your help now." I say through gritted teeth.
I was thinking of telling her to grab a hammer and just break them. Anything to get me out of the pain I was in. Please! Look usually I am not a baby. But after a couple seconds of moving and adjusting I managed to pull them free. Two of my fingers were purple on my right hand and my left hand pinky looked like hamburger meat. I walked away. Half pissed at myself for being an idiot and getting them caught and half pissed at the pesky man for not helping me. When he paid he turned to me and told me he was ready to go. I didn’t respond instead I walked away let him carry his own fucking pots. I swear I wished they would all break on the way home or that he would drop them on his feet. That would have been wonderful.
Sunday morning my left hand was pretty swollen but I went to work. I didn’t lift as much that day. In fact I rang up a lot of the sales and left two hours early cause at the end of the day they were numb again. I went to the liquor store on the way home. My mom made a comment on me drinking on front of my family as she half slurred her thoughts in my direction. So to spite her and the fucken pain in my hand I pulled the bottle out in front of everyone. Grabbed a big glass of ice and poured the drink without anything else in it and sat my ass down and drank it right there at the kitchen table. "Here's looking at you kid," I thought. It was so harsh going down. Bacardi is not smooth no matter how big the gulps you take. Granted by the end of the fifth (I did not share) I was feeling lovely. My mother was pissed but I ignored her and went to my room so that I could begin random calling people. If you received a random call from a drunk girl. I can only apologize for the things I barely remember talking about.
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| Valentine Crazies |
| 02.13.04 (4:43 pm) [edit] |
I think this day makes people nuts. Generally. I have no aching for someone to send me flowers or to buy me gifts from Target. I've been reading crazy posts all day. Women crying cause they don’t have anyone. Men bitching cause they HAVE to get something or they'll get cut off. Scandalous stories and plots about what's going to be happening at clubs and bars and the after parties. There will be some much of the "love drug" roaming around. (This I have to admit makes my mouth water). Damn in fact it tickles me but I digress.
So how come Feb 14th to say "hey I think you're kinda cool"? Why not yesterday or a week from now. Cruzando at this point would call me "old-fashioned" but I don’t think I am. I think its retarded that you have to pick a day to make all the lonely people (me included) feel like shit. How come they don’t have a Happy Singles Day? Not that it truly matters. I think love or lust (whatever it is at the moment) is a great thing. I just don’t get why its so exclusive. Does it mean more? Does it lose its steam after one day?
"What do you mean I haven’t told you I loved you? I said it yesterday???"
It raises people's expectations and leaves room for so many let down's. Wouldn’t it be more magical if it weren't on the same day that EVERYONE else is doing it too? Might as well have one HUGE world party and call it a day. ALMOST half of America will be receiving chocolates and roses tomorrow (how original).
This is in no way a bitter post. Like I said its just another day. I will go to work. I will lift pots twice my size and watch pretty gay boys argue over what color they want. I will hope that Angelina Jolie will walk in and ask if I want to go away with her to Cambodia.
I will lift my head at noon and let the sun kiss my nose. I will read a book and go home while the rest of the world falls in and out of love. Its sort of a romantic idea isn't it? Love. The whole beating heart, sweaty palms, fuzzy butterflies. It is romantic and I can say that I appreciate the thought of it all.
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| Fudgeface8 |
| 02.13.04 (10:56 am) [edit] |
"There is no new blog," she says quietly.
"Uhm hello?" I answered (wondering if the cult heard about my last post and they are trying to stop me before I can get to them)
There is a giggle (one I instantly recognize). "Don't do that," I tell her laughing.
Listen here you little shit. You can not tell me that its not my "best work". My funnies bring you joy. We create beautiful funnies together. Our affair has gone on for a month now. I have to compete with the screaming force in the background and I think I do a decent job. I have layed all my funnies at your doorstep and with you I am in funny heaven.
I remember the day I snapped that picture that gave you your name. I thought you were going to throw the chocolate spoon at me. You seduced me with your slight rejections and I seduced you with my slurred non-sense. I know you fell in love with me that day I nearly poisoned myself when I ate that lei. Admit it! We have a history of un-christian thoughts together. We shared Stewart for God's sake (he's always such a bad boy) I told you secrets (like me liking men) do you know what that takes??? Of course you do. You like men too. I'm sorry I just busted you out but I couldn’t bare this cross alone anymore. Oh Fudgeface with your tattoos, and your love of dolphins, and your knack for car-washes I am devoted to you and your giggles. Don’t you understand that without your approval I am lost? You are the cause of someone walking into walls they can't see. You are the reason grown men weep because they have no one else to turn too. All I want from you is your funny. (uh no not that funny you pervert).
Forgive me? I will kiss your ten inch toe-nails and your hairy legs if that’s what I must do.
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| AA 12-Steps |
| 02.12.04 (9:51 am) [edit] |
I have been doing some homework on what is coming my way. I know the courts are going to make me attempt to get help. Its that or jail from what I understand. I have become obsessed with the possibility of what may happen to me. I was thinking of al the people that I know (and there are lots) I am the one having to face these demons but I don’t feel sorry for myself. Not even for a minute. Who knows maybe I'll meet the love of my life in an AA meeting and I'll hook up with crack heads and cocaine addicts cause their addictions are worse than mine. OH!! Maybe I'll meet a sex addict (that would be so good for me) who has time to drink if they are having sex all the time?? Ok I'm straying from my point.
I was reading the 12 Steps to recovery and I am so AGAINST this people. My worst fear is having to stay in jail and I told Cruzando the other day that I'm not sure which is worse having to face these people in classes or staying in a cell where you don’t HAVE to talk if you don’t want to. As I was reading the steps I thought that someone should really look into these rules. I expressed this thought to Cruzando. He laughed at me. The rules seem a little cult like for me. It's like "hey lets take these helpless people and convert them into a religious addict cult". It seems to me that that the search for the "higher power" seems a bit much. The worst part is that there are THOUSANDS upon THOUSANDS out there. I mean it could possibly be another government plot to take over the world. If I start talking gibberish after my sentencing Cruzando you are in charge of getting me out of the country.
THE TWELVE STEPS OF AA
Step 1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol - that our lives had become unmanageable.
Powerless and unmanageable. First red flag. They make you feel like there is no hope. "Give into me" they say.
Step 2: We came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
Now they tell you that you are crazy? WTF…see how the squeeze in the Higher Power bit in there already
Step 3: We made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God, as we understand him.
God knows I have issues. He made me. Let the brainwashing begin.
Step 4: We made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
"Moral inventory" what exactly is that? I have visions of catholic nuns hitting me with rulers all at once. I am scared.
Step 5: We admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
O.K, so I haven't exactly made all the right choices in the past and maybe I won't make all the right ones in the future. Why do they have to know everything? blackmail perhaps?
Step 6: We were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
This one just went over my head. I tell God to fix me all the time. I tell him constantly "what were you thinking man?". Surely they cant expect more than that?
Step 7: We humbly asked Him to remove these shortcomings.
refer to Step 6
Step 8: We made a list of all the persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.
They want a list of all the people in your life. So they can hunt them down in case you wake up one morning and decide to leave the cult
Step 9: We made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
hmmm are they planning to hurt only the ones close to you? At least they have boundaries
Step 10: We continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.
At this point they have you under their spell. You have to report everything you do
Step 11: We sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understand him, praying only for knowledge of his will and the power to carry that out.
What exactly are we carrying out? what is the final plan? Can we say Wacco?????
Step 12: Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to others, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.
We are now trying to recruit other addicts. Making the army bigger. We are at their beck and call. "Bring them all to the us". We are now carrying out the FINAL plan.
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| Last Night |
| 02.11.04 (9:44 am) [edit] |
Last night I went home fuming. One the way I stopped to get myself a beer. I wanted it. I needed it. (yes, cruzando I said I needed it) Most things are better in pairs but I stayed away from the temptation. One is good I tell myself. It was a crisp night. I enjoy the walk home. The night air reminded me of going for midnight swims in Hawaii or watching the funnies with T and J. I was mad and frustrated. I talked myself down to a distinct level.
Just let it go.
Don’t let what they say sink you.
You know how far you've come.
They make as many excuses as you do.
You're alright.
So I walk into my room and place my book bag on the floor. I sit on the edge of my bed and look at picture of my little sister. She must have been two in that picture and I'm looking at her as she waves at the camera. I sigh. I dig out my new CD's, I light my candles, I light my incense, and I put on my sweats. I am comfortable in my own skin and the only time it doesn’t feel right is when everyone else is pointing at my faults.
"Fuck em" I say out loud.
I turn up my radio and put away my laundry. Then I open my beer and sit in my chair. I'm looking at the pictures and the awards. I'm wondering why my plant is starting to wilt. It must be the weather. I check to make sure its watered. I have to find more room for my books. I never used that bench set. I should teach myself how to play the guitar. The beer tastes good as the new Melissa Etheridge CD masturbates my ears: It's gonna be alright/ it's gonna be o.k/ just hold on tight/ let it all go away/oh mercy mercy baby/ what do you want from me
I'm sitting in my reality. Alone and I have to admit I like it that way. I like it here. With my red ceiling and gold stars. The voices all gone. Just me and my music. Nothing to interrupt my thoughts. No one to explain anything too. I don’t have to justify who I am to anyone. What for? Maybe they are better than me. Maybe I'm not as strong as I think I am. I close my eyes and take a deep breath. I love the smell of the musk. Its indescribable.
"You have a choice to make the change"
I do don’t I? Would it be alright with the world if I didn’t change? Would that be alright with you? Cause I'm alright with it. But I always stop to think about everyone else. There they are knocking on my window. Breathing down my back. Judging me. I'm no longer the drunk I was capable of being. Though I miss her. I miss her all the time everyday. She is my reminder. Her empty soul. Her swollen eyes. Her aching body. The endless amount of bottles in her four wall room. Sometimes I see her staring back at me from behind the mirror and I reach for her. I touch her cheek. I kiss her lips. I whisper, "I loved you".
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| Carmen Electra & Dave Navarro |
| 02.10.04 (10:01 am) [edit] |
It started with me watching TV. Doing what I usually do. Trying to find something to entertain my mind. I usually don’t watch the Sharon Osborne show. I don’t find it all that amusing except that the woman has a knack for getting people half naked and into her bed. I usually watch the end to see who she has managed to bag. What a talent I tell you.
Anyway last night Dave Navarro and Carmen Electra were on there. I am infatuated with the couple. I started watching their "Til Death Do Us Part" show when it first started
1. Because I happen to think that Dave is so sexy in a rock star kind of way.
2. Because Carmen Electra is attractive in a simple kind of way (she was a Playboy bunny afterall)
I am not one for watching people during their intimate moments. It’s a thing people share but let me just say that I would have a bag of popcorn and some beer for this couple. I'd pull up a chair and kick my feet up and yell, "Let the games begin!". There would be a lot of me saying "Good one Dave!" or "Damn Carmen you go girl!" I have to think they would be good in bed. To marry a rock star you'd have to be doing something right. To marry a Playboy bunny something must really be ticking in the lower regions. I for one would really like to know what happens behind their closed doors. Just a peak???!!!
I want to be the fly on the wall. What am I going to do when the show is over?? MTV is not enough for this kitty. I need to move to LA and live in their house. I can be the pool girl or something!! I told "T" that maybe I should just become a masseuse of the stars.
Let me calm down before I give myself a hear attack.
In other news Jenna Jamison and Belladona are releasing a movie on Feb 25th. It is the talk of the Porn world and now I will share the secret site. www.fleshbot.com. (this is in NO WAY work safe) not even a peak cause you all will get in trouble! I'm sure Britney has an autographed copy that bitch
:wink:
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| Funnies--where are U? |
| 02.06.04 (3:13 pm) [edit] |
So Cruzando tells me that I should write about the funny things in my head instead of the things that HAPPEN to me. To keep the masses coming back. Change it up a bit before you lose them all. See he's around a lot when I say dumb things out load and it’s a constant thing trust me. So in saying this I say "Yeah, I can do that. I think of funny things all the time." I think that Cruzando thinks that the inside of my head is funny. Well let me just say that its 300pm and I can't think of a funny thing because the inside of my head is not getting along. They all want the attention. There is a midget that walks around humping all the sex-kittens legs. All the sex-kittens are wearing black lingerie with high heels. This is distracting the funnies from coming out to play. So I coax them.
"Come on!! Please??? Think of something witty. Think of something that they will love."
Then just when I think it will happen the kittens walk by and I lose them again. The midget humping along behind them. So I wander looking for something to console me. The lady in white with her long flowing hair whispers to me.
"You don’t have to be funny"
and I fire back rather upset, "Look lady any other day but not today o.k!?"
The rock star laughs as she takes a swig of her beer, "It's about time you told that bitch off."
I take the rock star's beer and tell her, "You better not even get me started. In case you haven't noticed you are on time out. You are so on my shit list."
I want to say something but there isn't anything there. Just the clutter of everyone else. Then there he is standing with his hands in his pocket watching everything. Always in the background just within reach but not reachable. I nod a hello and ask, "What do you think?" His eyes look into me. Damn I hate him the most with his cool smile. Knowing everything but never saying a thing to help me along. "Right" I say as I walk away.
I sit on the edge of myself. Fuckin funnies pick today of all days to run after the kittens. Any other day they are running playing tag to see who can make them laugh the most. I'm just grateful that the poet and the lover weren't in the mood. I couldn’t deal with their emotional asses today. They took the inner child on a walk cause she was acting up. So then it comes to me. Maybe the inside of my head isn't funny at all. Maybe the funnies are really a sickness and the only cure is kittens??? The funnies are like orgasms. When they are good they are good and when they aren't well…..we've all been there I'm sure.
Cruzando this is all your fault. You and your ideas! Then me for going along with them. The above mentioned were only some of the main characters. The rest did not get the memo on purpose.
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| Riding the Bus |
| 02.05.04 (9:51 am) [edit] |
Well for two weeks now I have been riding the bus too and from work. I actually enjoy the ride. I usually sit in the front (it's closer to the door and as far away from the loud ass obnoxious high school kids in the back). I don’t remember being that young and dumb and ignorant but I'm sure that's just a matter of opinion. This morning I woke up in a rather good mood. I didn’t sleep well slipping in and out dreams but my mood was light and I decided that I was gonna have a good day. I get on my bus (I was a little later than usual, my bed was so warm) and one stop later an older woman sits next to me. I'm reading my book and don’t really pay attention to the crowd that gets on and off. They remind me of ants off to anther day of work/school. (Life is really so mundane). Then it happens this smell consumes me. I wonder where the crap its coming from. The know its not me I brushed my teeth and showered this morning. It really makes me gag. The old lady next to me had fallen asleep and her mouth was open. (It cant be coming from her I think) but at that point I just wanted to get off the bus and breath some crisp fresh air. I felt like someone was playing a cruel joke on me. Then I notice the bus driver digging into her mouth and I think maybe its coming from her. All in her mouth with her dirty ass hands and I'm thinking all the germs may be rotting her mouth and she doesn’t know it yet.
I really didn’t know what to do. There was no where to go. There we were riding on a crowded bus and I couldn't make the smell go away. I wanted to cry that’s how bad it was. I wanted to get off the bus. Just four more stops I think. I'm a big girl I can do this. I can sit here next to this lovely, old, foul-mouthed smelling lady and smile. Maybe it wasn’t her fault but wouldn’t you know if you smelled??? I can't understand the concept of not being able to tell when you stink. Period. I wanted to yell at her "stinky mouth, stinky mouth nah nah nah" but that would be wrong. It was my inner child wanting in on a piece of the action. Then it dawns on me, clear as a new day. I pull my sweater and shirt up to my nose and smile. I had beaten the system. I didn’t care who saw. I could pretend I was cold, I was tired, I was not in the mood to show my face. I lifted it up right above my eyebrows and took a deep breath. The world was right again. It smelled of baby powder and Victoria's Secrets. Then I noticed my cleavage and wondered why I was single. They aren't that bad. As a matter of fact I think I have Janet beat. I would want to lay between my breasts. While all this was going on, being that I was lost in the land of flowery smells and cleavage, I almost missed my stop! In fact if the smelly lady hadn't snorted when someone bumped her on the way out I wouldn’t have looked up and realized that it was my stop.
1. From now on I will catch the early bus. No one smelly is ever on the early bus. I don’t know care that I'm 45 minutes early for work.
2. Joss Stone- remember this name. She will be the next big thing in music.
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| My Velvet Dream |
| 02.04.04 (12:35 pm) [edit] |
I am no longer sad for the things that I can not have. My wishing well is running empty. There is nothing that can comfort me. Nothing is what it was and nothing is really what it seems. What am I so afraid of? You. Me. Them. Us. Nothing at all. I'm scared to be me without you. Empty. Happy. Alone. Traveling my life. Stop looking back. Walking toward the horizon that I'll never reach. Understanding the silence. Crying for my soul. I'm waiting for something to come along. Waiting. Quietly. Patiently. Unsettled. I'm longing for a velvet heaven. Where I can hear certain voices. I close my eyes and imagine their lips in places. Slow smiles. Don’t say things. Things. Things. Things begin and they end. I'm there now aren’t I. Right where you want me. Right where you've always wanted me. Sly. Words. Intertwined and offered to the winds. Then its all gone. It's only a moment. Weakness. Temptation. Lurking around the corner. The places I love to be. Nothing hurts there. It just is.
You know. They know. Everyone knows. I want to end. I want to begin. There, anywhere.
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| Janet's Tit and Reality TV |
| 02.04.04 (9:38 am) [edit] |
Let me tell you that I fought it for a very long time. Skipping over a lot of the commercials, commenting on how dumb it all was. MTV was as close as I ever ventured into the reality TV realm. Then American Idol came along and I was hooked. It was music?! It was sad and it was good and it was funny and it reminded me of childhood dreams. Oh but now??? The TV is poisoned with it. So much of it seeping into your bones. Calling you to switch the channels when commercials come on so you get bits and pieces of everything. I am currently hooked on American Idol, Real World/Road Rules Challenge: The Inferno, Real World San Diego, and last night somehow I was tricked into watching America's Next Top Model (pretty girls, yeah I'm a sucker for them.) I watched one episode of The Simple Life and nearly fell out laughing at the stupidity of some people. (The Cat Episode was the best). I hate that I enjoy the shows. That I feel sorry for the ones that get voted off (cause someone always has to go). I feel bad for the drama that happens cause people are hungry for that attention. I get angry at the ignorance. Sometimes (rarely) I will switch the channel cause I get to involved. I try not to talk about it with co-workers when I come in the next day but its everywhere. Someone will mention it and its off to the races for at least a half hour.
"OMG did you see so and so"
"I cant believe she did that"
"She needs to work on her attitude"
"I'd sleep with her/him"
"He/she is so funny"
"They did that for the attention"
It just goes on and on. Make it stop. Don't get me wrong my brain is not all mush. I read on the way to and from work and during lunch. I try to be aware of what's going on by reading the news headlines during work (after feeding off the entertainment news and visiting some of my favorite blogs first). I read all the drama on Craigslist.com. I try to feed as much of my brain during the day so that I can watch the shows at night. I won't get into how lame I feel for being so involved in TV life and being so detached from my own right now. It's my escape we'll leave it at that. but there is some good stuff out there.
Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if the TV crew had followed me around during my military years. Talk about good shit. I would have not disappointed the masses and I probably would have been pitied and admired and a few times someone would have wanted to kick my ass. I'd make a good TV show but I couldn’t be on TV. Too much attention. Too many opinions. Too much gossip. I can't have anyone knowing all my secrets cause then I wouldn't be so amusing. I'd have the rest of America trying to mimic my ways and more than one of me can't be a good thing I don’t think.
--on the subject of Janet's tit. Leave her alone. I cant believe how much attention it got. Like NO ONE in America has ever seen a boob before. Politicians who watch porn. Kids who sneak Playboy. Women who are in up-roar ...hello? do you not have tits? The world is no longer an innocent place. You can click on any channel and its there?! or am I the only one that noticed?
Go Janet with your fine self!!!!
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| Michigan |
| 02.02.04 (5:32 pm) [edit] |
So Michigan was fucking cold. There is a thing as cold and then there is fucking cold. I did not get into the hot tub. I barely wanted to take a shower cause it required me to get undressed. I managed to twist my ankle pretty badly when we walked out of the bar at two in the morning and let me just say that I wasn’t at my best. I should have worn cleats out that night but I digress. What should I talk about? hmmmmm. Well there is no juicy story to tell (unfortunately). I've never been to a town with only one gas station, one bar, and one restaurant. I was only there for four days so I didn’t to do too much. In fact it was really relaxing and I just submerged myself in the laziness.
I will mention this. Stormy is a sexy girl. She has her moments when you kinda have to look twice. She's tall and moody and on a bad day she'd probably kick your ass. Everything that I despise but let her do cause its her and its always been a part of who she is. You shrug it off cause when it boils down to it she's sorry and it's over. If she doesn’t remember it didn’t happen and she doesn’t have to deal with it. (I guess in many ways she rubbed off on me). I think we have a lot more in common than we really care to admit. She would be my inner beast if it ever came out. Telling everyone whatever it is that she is thinking and "fuck you" if you don’t like it. She is sensitive when it comes to talking about her especially if you know which buttons to press (I know them all). I'm sure there are times she wanted to kick my ass because I often tell her to "shut-up and to quit being bitchy about everything". We have a love-hate type of friendship. We are crude and mean but would back each other up on any given day. I wouldn’t let anyone else talk to her the way I do and anyone that tries it with me would be told to "fuck-off".
What does it all mean? I don’t know. It's just something that I noticed while I was there and failed to see when we were in Hawaii. Nightcrawler could vouch for the fights. You'd think that we were involved but we are not and what's in the past is in the past.
I did call a certain friend on funnies night(Saturday nights for those that don’t know the secret yet…MAD TV rocks). We will call her "T". To tell her about Stormy's sister. How would I put this into words. Oh! I did tell Stormy that her sister was "prime ass" (but this is in a good way in a VERY good way) and the name stuck and Jules seemed to like it. I spent the weekend trying not to watch her walk away. But because she knows things she did it on purpose. Coming to sit on my lap when we were at the bars and so on. It’s a thing that people do. Then there was her friend Casey who also joined us on this particular night and I had to share so I called "T". She laughed at my none sense but I really had to explain it to someone and when it comes down to my silliness and my need to express it, its her that I call. There is some good breeding going on up there. That’s all I can say. I was thinking of relocating if it wasn’t for the closed minded environment. There were even those cute country boys that I'd love to mold. (Remember T?? I told you this once too and I think you almost peed your pants cause you laughed at me so hard). I have a crush on Jules and Stormy thinks Casey is hot. So while we sat there and took in the pool games every time those two would go to the restroom we would casually watch them walk away and then just shake our heads and laugh. I wanted to bite their bottoms.
I did however get her sister to tell me that she'd let the right girl kiss her all over but she wasn’t sure if she'd be able to return the favor as we sat there getting her oil changed in her car. I had to laugh as the thought sunk in and I laughed cause the boy that changed her oil kept coming back to report to her that her oil was dark, then it was light, then her filter didn’t need to be changed, then her windshield fluid was full, then to have a good day, and then finally again to tell her to have a really good day. I looked at her and said that he thought her headlights were great too but he didn’t quite know how to tell her. She found this amusing told me I was funny and we moved on to pick Stormy up from getting her nails done.
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