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| Ugly head |
| 03.31.04 (5:18 pm) [edit] |
Ugh. I’m feeling fat and bloated today. You know its enough that I have always been a little plump and I got plumper after a lot of beer. Sometimes I see girls with their flat tummies (sometimes I lust, sometimes I want to just jump back into my sweats and stay home). What is it in my head that has me convinced that I have to have that perfect shape to get noticed? You know what I’m talking about, the kind that makes your head snap and you have a kink in your neck the rest of the night. (happens to me all the time ~~hahaha). Yeah I know that “love yourself crap” (I say this as a joke) but we all know its not enough. I mean damn. I’m freaking Cleopatra if that counted for something. Really I’d have the likes of Britney and Christina beat that’s for sure. I’m gonna start a diet I think. Considering I’ll be living closer to home I’ll be doing more walking or maybe even running. I need something to occupy my time. I have to find myself something to keep me active. I was gonna take yoga but decided against it cause the idea of stretching into really complicated positions just doesn’t sit well with me. Yes there will be excuse’s. I can come up with some ridiculous ones. I want my shape back. That semi-decent figure. At least I could fit into cute little girly shirts back then (I miss them believe it or not). I hate going shopping for clothes too. Let’s not even get into that. See what happens when I don’t get enough sleep.
It would be a good day to go home and have a drink and watch a movie. ~~sigh
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| Sleepy Sleep |
| 03.31.04 (11:22 am) [edit] |
I am so tired people. Cruzando and I have been moving, packing and cleaning since last Thursday. We get excited when the projects begin but by the end all we want is our beds. I can think of at least two other requirements but we won’t get into that list cause it a long perverted, alcohol infested, have I mentioned perverted list. We have gone to both Target and Ikea and though the buying adventures start off as fun by the end we are just throwing things into the cart, deciding to come back for others. We are too moody and tired to really care about what we may have forgotten. It’s rather funny to watch it come together but as soon as we walk into our now MESSY apartment it all fades away and we get excited again. When the re-arranging and putting together finally comes to an end we will be popping a bottle of champagne to celebrate. I can’t wait to get there. I want more plants in the place but we’ll have to discuss that later I’m sure.
My life has been meshed into two things….work and DUI school. I have to quit my weekend job so I can attend meetings and classes. No more spending cash which means I go back to being broke and not to mention I really liked working outside. Can’t have it all I suppose but I’m dealing with it one day at a time. That means my summer is blown as well. I will have time for some things but no weekend trips or camping trips for me. I’m going to have to figure out a way to get around this (I know some of you are like YOU CAN’T….but I say my children have faith in me.) I really need to look into finding myself a uhm what is the proper word for it. hmmmm…you know that thing without the love and commitment thing. I realized just recently that I don’t particularly like spending ALL of my time alone. Though I do like being alone. I make no sense sometimes. Maybe this year I’ll have lots of dates to make up for my sober stories? (yeah right I hate dating) I’m not looking for my soul mate isn’t that the point? Anyway it’s obviously not my point of expertise.
Have I mentioned I can’t wait to be done with the apt?
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| Movin on Up |
| 03.29.04 (2:31 pm) [edit] |
This morning I woke up exhausted. I spent the weekend cleaning and painting with Cruz. (Happy birthday baby…I love you). I don’t have to wash my hands for a week at least. I scrubbed, inhaled and squirted enough Clorox to kill any kind of bacteria. Even though I showered last night and again this morning I smell like a sanitizer. Even the people on the bus couldn’t get to me today all I smell is Clorox. We went shopping for basic house things and we already figured out how we are too arrange everything in the shared space. I will say that I am jealous of Cruz’s NEW HUGE queen bed and even though we will not be sharing the very comfortable space I will be sleeping in it the nights he isn’t home. (hint hint). We also discovered that we can hear each other in the separate bedrooms which will make for interesting stories I’m sure (I’m laughing already kids). Hmmm porno sounds…..(reminds me of the Hawaii house at three o’clock in the morning when SOMEONE was waking up the damned neighborhood).
On another note on Friday Cruz seemed to botch up his surprise dinner by showing up a half an hour early. Of course this was hilarious cause he couldn’t figure out why no one would open the door. Myself and L.P.I.M.P. were sitting in the kitchen trying not to giggle cause no one else had really gotten there. So finally the door is opened and Cruzando was asking why no one would answer and out we pop. His face was a Kodak moment. Only because he’s SO anti-birthday and he also hates surprises. So it made for a wonderful embarrassing moment. I really wish I had a camera. It was one of the few times when Mr. Batman himself was caught of guard. That was a small intimate get together and we all parted ways close to 10pm.
This note isn’t as grand as the others. My past seems to have crept in through the crevices. How is it possible that after almost six years of not speaking or hearing from certain people one day you bump into them in a restaurant. I wont lie and say that I wasn’t happy to see them but it was a slow creepy feeling afterwards. There will be questions about what happened before I left. There will be questions about where we are now. ~~yuk~~ Then to top that moment off I get a call from a strange number Sunday morning and its yet another being from that far away galaxy. He got my number after a long circle of old contacts and eventually leading back to her, which eventually led to me.
It is rewarding that the effort was put forth but I don’t want to tread those waters. I will do what I do best in these measures. Change the subject! I am secretly happy to play “catch up” but almost just as sad to think about other things.
L.P.I.M.P is my hero. She went to the Prince concert in Reno and I can’t get my hands on any good seats. If it hadn’t been for rent and this moving in situation I really could have gotten some good seats but at this point there are only top level seats and he will look like a mini-version of what I want to see. If I’m gonna go to a concert I want to see. I want the sweat I want the music BLARING in my ears. I don’t care if I go deaf ~~sigh. She tells me it was a great concert and I am secretly envious.
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| Prince and Madonna |
| 03.26.04 (11:48 am) [edit] |
I just found out through my psychic network that Prince (THE PRINCE) will be in San Jose June 1st. Now I have been online trying to figure out the prices for both because well I want to go!!!!! The Prince tickets start at $45-85 that is cheap! He’s going to be performing on a round stage but I’m not sure how that is gonna work out. But regardless that would be an amazing concert to go too!!! I mean the man is a genius. And who can tell me that when they hear a Prince song they don’t sing along?? Not me….I hear anything with Prince in it high notes or not its on. ~~hello “Pussy control”~~ don’t get me started on his songs. Anyway back to the concert I have to find someone that will go with me?! Someone who isn’t gonna be afraid to sing along with every song and dance in the aisles like a crazy person. I did it at the Janet concert it was the most liberating experience—I’m ready for more!
Madonna has also decided to tour this summer. This I’m going to regardless of where the seats are. I want to grow old and tell my 500 cats that I went to her concert and I danced with every gay boy in the bay area. *grin what are the chances that they tour during the same year. Yeah they are getting old. Yeah they may not make the best records by music standards in this time and era. Cause now a days anyone can be a star –pick something to sing about and ~~poof~~ you are a star (take for example that song that makes me want to puke---“lick my neck, my back, my crack” or how ever the hell it goes. You all know which one I’m talking about!)
I want to go and sing and dance and go crazy. I don’t care if the queen next to me wants me to shut-up or if the 50 year old ferret lady in front of me keeps turning around to wink. I would sacrifice myself to the 80’s god’s in the name of experiencing these two concerts.
“I’m not gonna do what you think I’m gonna do and FLIP out!……who’s coming with me??”
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| Angelina Jolie |
| 03.24.04 (3:29 pm) [edit] |
Alright so I think this is it. I think this is the post that’s gonna bury my obsession with this woman. Maybe if I write it down it will go away. I’ve known about her since the Cyborg 2 days. Yes before Hackers and Gia. I don’t know how many tattoos she has but I know she has them. I don’t know her exact birthday but I know its in June. I don’t watch every show she is on but I’ll know when she’s on it (because friends call me to let me know) Whiskey is her choice of drink (women that can take Jack are my favorite). She’s vulnerable but not really. Perfectly un-perfect. Can someone be that way? She loves. She cries. She wants to make a difference not for the fans but for herself. She does what she wants when she wants. She’ll say what she feels the moment she feels it. Everything for her is an experience. Its about the moment. The here and the now. She is striking and un-afraid. I’d faint if she were in the same room and I can take a lot. So what is it that makes her so beautiful? Her eyes, those lips, her long legs, the high cheek bones, the way she puts her two fore-fingers over her lips when she wants to stifle that slight grin of hers, the way she raises her eyebrow (this one kills me).
Hell if I know. This post does her no justice. Granted half of the straight women I know wouldn’t say no and neither would half of the gay boys. All of the straight men want her. Let’s not even get into the lesbians *hahahahaha
If I met her I’d simply ask her, “Can I make you a grilled cheese sandwich sometime?”
Then like Jennifer Grey in Dirty Dancing when she says, “I carried a watermelon” I’d hit my forehead and ask myself “what the hell was that?”
Oh Angelina I know you were meant for me. Come find me. I will have your baby!
We will walk through the jungles of Cambodia and make monkey love under the moon.
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| The Bart Station |
| 03.22.04 (2:22 pm) [edit] |
I was up bright and early Saturday morning. I had to be at the Bart Station by 7:30 am. So my boss could get me to go to work. I worked at a home and garden show this weekend. Lots of hours. Lots of standing. Needless to say I haven't had a beer in over 8 days! ~~shit that's a record I think~~ Anyway I get to the station and I am 20 minutes early. I walk across the street to Jack in the Box to get me some coffee. I needed a pick me up and since I was going to be waiting around for a while I needed something to do.
I am walking back from the place and there is this swishing sound behind me.
The first thought was that someone had missed their bus and was running toward the Bart station. I put the hot coffee to my mouth only to spit it out seconds later when this guy comes up behind me and says "Hey!: I almost yelled out but was to busy worrying about the coffee that was now dribbling down my chin and onto the front of my sweater. "Fucker" I thought. I continue to walk across the street thinking about how I was going to get the stain out.
"Excuse me, " he says.
I turn around to see this wandering eye looking at me. He makes it seem like he had to catch his breath before he said his little speech. I already knew what was coming. I start to walk away but he says, "I'm sorry I didn't mean to scare you but I saw you in the store and I had to know who you were."
First off all that is so lame. Second of all you stink. Third of all I don't know what eye too look at so I can tell you to leave me alone. Fourth, if you really had to catch your breath from running across the street you need to check your health. (you aren't a good actor). I sigh and turn to walk away again.
"I really just wanted to know your name and I was hoping that maybe I could give you my number," he says.
I just look at him but I'm not mean. I tell him my name. He starts to ask me where I work, where I'm from, why I'm walking alone etc. I politely try to tell him that I'm waiting for my ride and I like walking alone. He says he doesn't want to bother me (too late for that dumb-ass) but if there was a chance to get my number.
"I'm actually involved with someone right now and extra numbers is not a good thing right now," I tell him.
"Well let me give you mine. All a guy can do is hope right?"
Let me tell you a little something about hope Daniel (this is his name).
Hope sucks o.k? I'm not involved with anyone (big surprise there huh?) and do you know how often hope shakes that ass at me only to run away later?????
I laugh at my own thoughts. He thinks this is an invitation to keep talking to me.
"Give me your number but I'm not going to call you, " I tell him.
He scribbles his number down thanks me for my time. Tells me to have a "wonderful" (yes he used this exact word) day and shakes my hand. I watch him walk away to make sure he doesn¹t come back to yell in my ear again. I'm cursing at the spot on my swear-shirt when this other guy comes over and decides he¹s gonna "holla" at me. "Christ" I think to myself.
"I'm not interested," I say flatly.
"You took the time to talk to him. I was thinking maybe you wanted a friend," he says.
"I'm not interested, " I say again and I reach for my phone to call my boss.
I leave this message, "------- you have to come get me now before every guy at this station decides to come holla at me."
I decided I'm going to move locations. I am going to sit as far away from the exit as possible and I decided to sit in a lonely stall littered with newspapers and old food containers. No one will come near me over hear I think to myself but ten minutes later some other guys comes to as me for .82 cents.
"I have a quarter, " I tell him.
"But I need .82 cents," he says back.
"I have a quarter do you want it or not, " I say back.
He looks around and asks if that stuff was mine I tell him no. So you know what he does he pushes if all off the damn bench so he can sit next to me.
Why me? I ask. He says that its been a long morning. Yeah me too I think but this time I don¹t answer. I just stare off into the building across the street. He is talking about something and eventually gives up and walks away. It must have been the coffee stain on my sweatshirt. That was the only thing that I could think of. Well that and I had taken a shower that morning to help wake me up so I smelled fresh. My boss still hadn't called me and I had to come up with another plan. I walk over to the parking lot push a shopping cart on its side and sit on that while I grab my phone and call Nightcrawler. He thinks its hilarious and just as I start to tell him the rest of the story my boss calls me and asks me where I was at that she had been looking for me for the last 15 minutes. (I knew she was lying cause I was watching that entrance like a hawk, she was just late but didn¹t want to admit it). I get into her car and tell her about my morning. She laughs all the way to the show. It wasn't funny. I was pissed about my sweatshirt cause it looked like I just spit all over myself.
You know I don't know why normal people never hit on me?
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| hot sauce |
| 03.18.04 (3:06 pm) [edit] |
So this is it the posts of all posts. Today I was having a small lunch (Ramen). I sometimes add hot sauce to add a little “taste” to it. I prepare my little soup and put some sauce in. Now I didn’t bother to read the damned label on the bottle but let me tell you that when I bit into my little harmless soup I felt my mouth go numb. I blink back some tears and try not to spit the noodles back out into the bowl. My co-worker hears me cough and asks me if I’m alright.
“Yeah I say,” through tears. “Just a little hot.” (cough, cough)
I try to clear my throat a little and it only makes it worse. I reach for my water and remember that I had left it at my desk. When I go back I look at the label for the little bottle of fire that I had put into my Ramen. Its “Habanero Sauce” for those that don’t know much about hot sauces it’s THE hot sauces of sauces. I curse the bottle under my breath and wonder who the hell replaced the good ol’ Tabasco sauce that used to be there. What it wasn’t hot enough for you??? The least he/she could have done is sent out and email warning those of us that like a little spice but not the whole damned pepper!!! Let me tell you what I did. I go back to my seat determined to eat this bowl of hotness. I’m hungry and its all I have left to eat. Oh I took my time. I has never taken me more than 15 minutes to eat any kind of soup. It took me 45 minutes to get to the bottom and by then I might as well have gone to a dentist and had them stick that big ass needle in my mouth. I cant feel my lips or tongue as I take little breaths through my lips trying to chill the tingling in my poor mouth. I’m sitting here hoping that the other end will not experience the heat on the way out in case its too much for my stomach to take. I even tried to look for crackers. I got back to my seat and remember that there is ice in the freezer. I have had a pieces of ice in my mouth for the last half hour. Technically my mouth is dead from all the numbness. I only hope that when the ice fades me mouth is no longer on fire. Thank god it dawned on my to wash my hands after I ate because at some point I would have rubbed my eyes and that would have been a totally different story.
I would have been sitting here with tears in my eyes and slobber coming out of my mouth. What a sight I’m sure.
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| Madness |
| 03.17.04 (3:40 pm) [edit] |
The sun is out and I am craving a moment of madness. Something to lay my hands on. Something to make me come undone. Something to make me feel raw and alive. The slightest moment of weakness. When nothing makes sense and pieces donˆt seem to fit. I want a moment of surrender. Something unclear. Something that makes no sense. Like the cold water on your skin after a bad
burn. It never really calms the throbbing. It is only a distraction
from the sensation that it brings. This weather makes me crazy, uninhibited and with no one to share it with, rather sad.
Today I have noticed colors and moments that are not mine but I take them anyway. I put them here to travel and you will read it and look out a window and wish to be somewhere else. Any where but there. Iˆve opened my front door instead and let the winds kiss my skin. Every time someone closes it I get up again. Maybe it causeˆs them to be restless as well. Let me out. Let me sing and dance to the music that plays inside me head. Loud. Dirty.
Sweaty. Moments in which I am grateful for the rhythm of my blood.
But what happens when the dance floor is empty and its only me. What then?What if my eyes find yours and the moment is as quick as a stolen kiss. HaveI made you feel stripped? Good. Cause that is what I am craving. Something to make me feel unguarded even if it doesn't last forever.
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| Playboy.com |
| 03.16.04 (11:48 am) [edit] |
I totally forgot to write about what happened to me at the end of the day last Thursday. Maybe I subconsciously blocked it out. I know most of you aren’t gonna believe a word I’m about to say but hear it is anyway. I was thinking about how I had never actually purchased a Playboy magazine. Why I was thinking is beats the hell out of me. Then it dawns on me “duh internet”. I type in the simple URL and vavoom there it is. I could say I was checking to read the articles cause that’s what everyone says but this time I swear its true. They were interviewing one of the hottest bar owners on the east coast. It was an article on how to get started and what to do to keep them coming back. Well someday I’m going to venture into that realm. So I naturally click on the article and lose myself in the words. This guy was smart. It started with a plan. Well anyway there are little naked advertisements to the left of the screen so I scroll down so that if anyone walks by they cant really see the half naked lady. Tell me why my supervisor (whom I didn’t hear coming) scares the shit outta me when he asks me to see what I was looking at. Of course I try to shut the damned screen out and it gets stuck. I must have been five shades of red and I don’t blush easily. I didn’t know what to do so I just look at him to see if he had seen anything.
He half looks at me and smiles, “I didn’t mean on the internet. I needed to see the database.”
I can’t look him in the eyes. I don’t know what he’s thinking but because I know he’s a metro-sexual he was going back to tell someone. I wanted to bang my head against the screen. I call to tell Cruzando for some sympathy but I often forget he isn’t gonna give it to me and he laughs. I wanted to cry and he’s still laughing.
“It’s not that funny, “ I say whining in his ear.
He’s still laughing, “I’m sorry but yes it is.”
“Fine I have to go, “ I say half mad and half embarrassed.
We meet later to walk home and he says to me “Hey Playboy bunny you ready to go.”
I wanted to smack him but I just looked at him as he laughed. “Asshole.” I wonder where I find these creatures called friends.
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| The Wishes |
| 03.15.04 (5:08 pm) [edit] |
I was reading a book. It had been weeks since I felt anything. I had grown numb but as I read this particular part of the book I felt myself coming apart. I felt everything and hated it. Things are good for a change. I haven’t called to share the changes. What for if you haven’t called to ask. I’m angry since I haven’t heard from you since the accident. Was that the last straw or the final reason to never talk to me again. At least it was a good one I suppose. I wish I hadn’t called you that night but my emotions and the liquor had me by the balls.
It saddened me to think that I’ll probably never feel like that again. Even though I crave that calm, you won’t find me trying to find it with anyone else. Instead I bury myself in things that will lead no where. I live in the moments when someone, anyone will give me some time. I just need something else to occupy my mind. Today however, there you were. After I worked so hard to block you out. So I put it down. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. You slipped back into me. Like the first drink after a long break. Smooth and comforting. You don’t think about the end. All that matters is how if feels as it goes down and just as fast as you came you were gone. I am left with the hangover.
I am an alcoholic of our past. Its your liquor that I crave. I felt myself grow numb. The lump in my throat won’t go away. So I sigh and I wish you away because sometimes that’s all that’s left……the wishes.
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| The Batcave |
| 03.15.04 (11:38 am) [edit] |
Looks like the duo have found a place to call home!!! Yes that’s right Cruzando and I have found a place. Holy Altoids Batman! I decided that Cruzando can be Batman cause I make a better side-kick anyway. He can be tall and handsome and I can be short and witty. We all know that side-kicks are smarter anyway.
But let the games begin (or so we think). He and I have never lived together so I’m not sure exactly how this is going to work. Not that I’m not comfortable with him but it’s just weird. Like when I moved in with Nightcrawler. We had to get used to each others quirks. For the most part the dishes were the only things we didn’t get along about (I think). I hate a dirty sink and he hated doing the dishes. We had so many laughs in that place ---remember the tool box?? ~~hahahahah~~ I really hope we don’t wind up killing each other but as long as he doesn’t run around in only his boxers we’ll be o.k.
I’m so excited. (yes it’s the place with the ugly yellow tile in the kitchen). Why am I always moving in with men? Hmmmmm. Something for me to think about. Yes I lived with Stormy too but she was hardly home and we spent most of our time at the bars anyway. I have already scoped out the street for a local bar and there doesn’t seem to be any (I’m sure this is probably best since I probably wouldn’t wander out after dark anyway). Its small but comfortable. We are going to have a painting party since we have to re-do it ourselves but hey it saved us almost $250 on rent and what a great way to show everyone the new place right? I’m worried that Cruzando will make fun of my domestic side.
Fudgeface don’t worry I haven’t forgotten my promise. There will be no sex in the champagne room. I can’t wait to decorate it! Its gonna be artsy I can tell that much already. I want Cruzando to hang his work up but he’s hesitant we will see!!!
Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah …….everyone will have to come visit me now!!! VaNative you are already slated and BlueEyes too. So who’s next?
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| Breasts |
| 03.11.04 (12:58 pm) [edit] |
My boss has been staring at my breasts all morning. He's usually very good at ignorning them or maybe i've just never noticed him looking at them before. But he's done it five times. I started counting after the second time to see if maybe it was just me being over-dramatic. The last time he was sitting at his desk and maybe I stood to close when he was trying to explain something to me. So possilby it was my fault. I had the urge to ask him if they looked even but I reframed because instead of being offended I found myself amused. So I walked away from his desk and walked over to the restroom and closed the door. We have a mirror in there.
I stood there looking at myself. First from the side. They looked normal. The from the front. Nothing new. Then it dawned on me that I hadnt worn this shirt in a while. It's a little snug in the upper area and the reason I had stopped wearing it was cause I had gained a little weight and it didnt look right. So there I was staring at myself. I adjusted them. They are a little firmer. Then I realized my Buddha belly has shrunk a little.
"I lost weight," I say aloud and do the dance in front of the mirror. Shake to one side shimmy to the other. I am excited. I'm gonna walk by him all day on purpose and continue to count.
Vanative == I want you to know that talking to you this morning put me in the best of moods. I miss you and your brilliance and the way you feed my mischievous side.
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| What do you mean its gone?? |
| 03.11.04 (11:14 am) [edit] |
So right now I am facing a very difficult memory loss problem. I have a separate email account for the things I randomly write. So that I can transfer them onto a book later. When I got out of the service over a year ago now I was writing a lot and then last summer around July it left me again. I hadn’t gone back to read ANY of it for a very specific reason. There was a lot of healing, forgetting, letting go, going back, drinking, lots of lost sleep, and no eating for a good month (August) to be exact. There were a lot of things that I wrote that I wanted to keep. A lot of things that went into a certain book.
This morning, six months later I was gonna go back and sift through it. I do that sometimes to remind me of how far I’ve come or to see if nothing has changed. Tell me why there is NOTHING in my account. Not even a piece of spam. I’m sitting here fuming. I looked in all the folders just to make sure I didn’t create sub-folders or put them into a different place. Now I’m trying to remember if in a moment of complete madness during a hang-over (you know the kind when you are still drunk in the morning) if I erased them. Or if maybe (just maybe) I printed them and took them home already. I don’t know how to feel right now. I know I hadn’t accessed the account in a while but I don’t know if they can just go in there and erase things???? The account is still active obviously. So that means that the stuff should be in there right?
Ugh. I know that I can’t remember what I did with them. So tonight as much as I am already dreading this. I’m gonna have to open that book bag and take a trip down memory lane for a minute to see if I can’t find them. If I could fucking remember what I wrote then it would be no big deal but I can’t and that more than anything is bothering me. Not that I like to re-live moments such as those but they are mine and I want them back.
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| The Star Belt |
| 03.10.04 (1:37 pm) [edit] |
Dear lady that walked into my meeting last night with your low-rise jeans and the star belt which accentuated your abs, I want you to know that when you sat across from me you made it absolutely IMPOSSIBLE to concentrate on my soberness. All I wanted to do was sit in there and listen to everyone’s drunk stories. All I wanted to do was get rid of my guilt cause I hadn’t stopped drinking and there I was in the middle of all these sober people but NO all I could think about was whether or not you were interested in girls. I saw you glimpse once or twice and I couldn’t figure out if it was cause you liked me or cause I snorted when I tried to contain the laugh that was buried deep in my throat as the guest speaker told her story. I’m sure it was the snort because the rest of the room broke out in laughter soon after but you looked and I saw you.
Dear lady with the white see-through skirt and bright tie-died shirt. I was completely not looking your way until you decided to sit semi-indian style on that tiny fold up chair. I couldn’t help but look at your shapely tanned legs and wonder if you played tennis. You tied your hair up in a loose bun and shortly after decided to take off your long sleeved shirt only to reveal and even more shapely top half. Yes it was hot but was this necessary because up to that point I had only noticed the star belt lady. May I just ask why you decided to sit next to the guest speaker. I’m thinking you did it on purpose to distract the weak (like me) from really trying to understand their spiritual calling.
Because of you both I had a calling but not of the spiritual kind. In fact it involved me looking at my feet a lot and trying not to smirk at the thoughts running through my head. I have to decide whether or not to continue to go to this meeting. I’m sure the judge will not believe that I have been cured from two weeks of meetings. I have to decided if the all women’s group is just not for me. I’m torn between the innocence of trying to be sober and a not so innocent curiosity to find out how many of you are bi-
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| Victoria's Secrets |
| 03.09.04 (11:20 am) [edit] |
Let me tell you little something about this her secrets….I want them all. In my ever increasing curiosity I went online to see if I could find a new perfume. (I think I’m going back to the pear scent. I kinda miss it). I don’t know how anyone is supposed to get any shopping done???!! Not only do they have some of the most beautiful women on there…..they have Adriana Lima on almost every page. Now I understand that under most circumstances its only natural that models wear things so that the buyer can get an idea of what it may look like but come on? How many really sit there and think that? I spent two hours NOT looking for a new perfume but very casually trolling the bra and panties section instead. If you click on the bra section it shows the entire set (bra & matching underwear) but I discovered that if you click on the panty section it has the models in only panties?! This is such a set up. They are all dolled up and “holding” themselves in place (rather nicely I might add). But the kicker comes when you click on the “Angels” line of underwear. There they are in all their glory. Some with pouty lips, some with perfect cleavage, some with legs that just keep going and I’m sitting there thinking this can not be right. Why not just place the underwear against a white or black background depending on the color and snap that?? I’m NOT complaining. Really keep it coming Victoria…..I’m just sitting here wondering why I didn’t think of it first.
It reminds me of when I ordered the catalog while in the service. Trickster didn’t think I’d do it and when I’d get it in the mail I’d sit in the back of my cubicle and sift through it casually. The guys would walk by and ask to see. Sukrmom2 used to come back there and say casually “Oh I need new underwear let me see it when you are done.” I’d look at her and laugh……right I believed that one but considering it was her I wouldn’t doubt that she’d order from the catalog. Sometimes I’d suggest one or two and she’d quickly walk away blushing and telling me to shut-up. I was just trying to help???
Anyway Victoria I wanted to say thank you and if you ever want to share your secrets call me we’ll do lunch but you have to bring Adriana with you!
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| Yeah for weekends |
| 03.08.04 (10:30 am) [edit] |
The sun was beaming all weekend! I actually got a day off and did things. Refreshing and I remember how much I LOVE the summer. Lets start with Friday. Work decides to let me leave early. I take a walk to where Cruzando is (I walked a lot this last week). We decide we are going to walk some more. We had an hour and a half to kill. I had told Cruzando once that we should go into Good Vibrations as a joke. Well when we walked by it that day he said we should go in. I am terrified of sex-shops. Really. I don’t know what it is but he laughs at me and pulls open the door. It wasn't as scary as I thought it was going to be. (I watch too much TV I guess and after the porn incident way back when, I was turned off by the whole porno/sex shop thing). Anyway we go in there and he wanders off to get his supplies for his slut-pack. Its amazing what you can put into an empty mini Altoids container. We look at all the dildos, the fake body parts to stick things into, the lubs, the multi-colored massagers, the books and I am still looking for the "Bella loves Jenna" DVD which they did not have. You get the point. I know all my friends have been into one. I felt like I was at the SF Exploratorium. I realized that I've done more with Cruzando when it comes to all this than with anyone, ever.
Saturday we go into the city to see Rufus Wainright. I had told Cruzando that I'd go see a gay man sing. Why not? What have I got to lose. The roles were switched. I was surrounded by 5 gay men and I was the only girl vs Cruzando being the only boy surrounded by lots of women. We get there and there is a girl singing. Because of the lighting she looks a little like Pink. I tell the boys that if it had been Pink on that stage you would have seen me make a B-line for the stage and there would have been gay boys flying everywhere it they had tried to stop me. Cruzando and I at this point had made our way to the front of the venue. I think his ruffled pink shirt may have had a bit to do with that. He was yelling about how he loved Joan the Policewoman (her name) when there was no other sound in the room. She knew his name by the time her set was over This was amusing. In fact a lot of people knew his name by the time Rufus hit the stage. We had a good time. We headed home sober by the end of the night. I have never seen someone play 10 encore songs in my life. At the end I was hoping he'd just shut-up. (Cruzando don’t take offense).
Sunday morning I get up and we decide we are going to go see "Passion of the Christ" after we walked around Telegraph for a little while. The sun was beaming and I was taking in the view. There were a lot of beautiful people out. The sun brings out summer dresses and sandals. *sigh
We eventually saw the movie. I'm not gonna get too much into. You basically have to see it to form your own opinion. Yes there were tears on my part. My sister wanted to leave half way through. My brother tried to pull his hat over his face so you couldn’t see that he was tearing up. I think it means different things to different people. Some may get it and some may not and that’s o.k. Not everyone will feel the same things.
I will say this in ending. There aren't too many details to this post. I had a really good weekend. I felt like I could breathe again. I forget to do that sometimes. I don’t know what to make of good friends making really funny noises on the phone when they try to explain how a cat must sound when they drink water really fast. Needless to say I had the giggles for a good two minutes.
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| Are you there God? |
| 03.04.04 (12:20 pm) [edit] |
Its me…..
I think you and I should have a quick conversation about a few things. I know I haven't exactly been the best of a human being but uhm can I get a break please? I just don’t understand why you made me then punish me for my mistakes. This was YOUR idea remember? I just kinda went with the plan. So I have a few requests it's not much really.
1. You know that apartment that I went to see yesterday? The one with the ugly yellow tiles in the kitchen? Well if we could work that into my program I would be most grateful.
2. If you could make my judge see that I am a good person regardless of the amount that I blew on that machine thingy so she wont make me go to these meetings anymore I'd really love that. The meetings give me headaches and sometimes I can’t sleep at night thinking about how messed up other people's lives have been.
3. Thank you for sending that nice older lady to the park to ask me if I wouldn't mind cleaning her house during the week. I need the extra cash for the ugly kitchen apt. If we could really make sure this happens once again I'd be grateful.
4. Please stop putting beautiful people in the AA meetings. This is distracting and since once again this was YOUR idea maybe you could take care of that?
5. I know this is a lot but if you could do something about the smell of the people that sit next to me on the bus that in itself would be a miracle. I'm really looking for this one to happen? Maybe something like an automatic stinky people air freshener. Give it some thought and let me know what you think.
I could really go on for hours about winning the lottery so I can buy an island in Greece so that I can be happy ever after but I realize my limitations. These are small things if you think about it. It's not being greedy I don’t think. Since I know everyone else is asking you for a perfect life, with the perfect house and car and partner. Mine really isn't that bad. I'm at my wits ends sir and frankly I'm done wondering about the mystery of your plan. I have given into the reality that I don't have a choice in the matter. So you can keep the mystery and in return maybe you can think about my above requests.
Thanks again
A human being that you created.
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| AA meeting take one. |
| 03.03.04 (10:30 am) [edit] |
The room smelled of old furniture. The floor was an old looking kind of brick tile. It had off white walls and lamps that one usually finds at a second hand store. I sat there freakin out in my head. I remembered that first day at boot-camp when you sit in silence filling out paper work in that WAY too quiet classroom. I looked at my shoes. I do that when I'm nervous or uncomfortable (I need new shoes). The room starts to fill in and I don’t want to look up. Its called to order. I sigh and look up. What I find is not what I expected. There are TWO older women in there (only two). The rest couldn’t have been much younger or older than me. There were 15 approximately all of them sitting there. All of them normal looking.
"This can’t be right," I say to myself.
I felt suffocated all of a sudden. I wanted to bang my head against the wall my chair was sitting against. I wanted to laugh when they said the serenity prayer together. I was confused when they read the 12 steps out loud. (remember my 12 steps post??) I wanted to run when I realized that some of them were knitting as soon as the meeting started. I was lost my friends. Lost in my mind, in my denial, in my reality. They passed this big black book around and took turns reading paragraphs from a story. The black book was apparently written by the founder of A.A. (I was surprised there wasn’t a picture of him hanging on a wall somewhere). Anyway it contains the rules, the goals etc. Once the story was done you could share your thoughts. The only rule is that it had to deal with alcohol or alcoholism. I have never been one to share anything that private with strangers. Let me tell you there was a lot of sharing.
I'm going to back track a little and give you an idea of how emotional this thing really is. We are sitting their and they welcome all the new comers. I was tricked into thinking that I HAD to raise my hand. It didn’t dawn on me that there are AA meetings everywhere all day long and that no one really knew it was my first one ever. (I am a dumb ass. I told you I was nervous). They all clapped and said "welcome" cheerfully. I felt like I had just finished a marathon and everyone was cheering me on at the end. I reminded myself to never say anything out loud at one of these things again. There was a girl in the corner that stands up and announces that she is in the wrong group. She was looking for the "sex and love addict" group.
"I should follow her at least it would be a little more interesting," I thought.
Everyone laughs. She seems a bit embarrassed. Someone points her in the right direction but before she leaves she turns around and congratulates everyone for being here.
"Great," I think. "We might as well all get matching tattoos while we are at it."
Oh did I feel like an asshole when she continued to tell us that had her mother had just died of alcoholism less than a year ago and that she had started to take that path as well.
Then she starts to cry. What happens when girls see other girls cry? Yep you guessed it there were tears everywhere. I wanted someone to shoot me in the foot. She turns to leave and everyone just sits there for a minute.
Then it happens (of course it does cause something always happens). She walks through the door. The first thing I notice are her black high heels. They tap against the floor as she walks in trying to find a seat. She was wearing light blue capri's with a black turtle neck and a jean jacket. Her short cropped hair was amber red and her eyes were the lightest blue. Almost on the verge of gray. Her lips were full and I wondered who had the pleasure of kissing them. She sits down in front of me. She is wearing Victory Secret's Pear scent. ( I know this cause I used to wear it).
"You are fucking kidding me," I thought.
The rest of the evening was spent trying not to stare at the frame of her delicate face. I tried to not let the fact that I didn’t want to be there alter this experience. It didn’t work. At the end we all held hands and they said the serenity prayer again and then it was over. I pushed my way towards the door. I needed air. I hated it in there. I hated that everything was such a struggle. I hated that some had been sober for years and still complained about the same things. I hated that it was so small and intimate. I hated that they were my age. I hated that the courts MADE me go there. Assholes.
Tonight I am going to another group. I'm going to be a group hopper I decided. At least that way it'll stay interesting.
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| Hawaiian Winds |
| 03.02.04 (3:12 pm) [edit] |
A soft wind is blowing outside, it is the first time in a long wet winter that its felt this good. It reminds me of the Hawaii winds and the endless blue skies. I'm homesick and needy of their love. Their laughter. Their hugs. Mostly their love. It reminds me of the summer that she came to see me and we laughed as we got tans and we ate a lot of shaved iced. It reminds me of silent car drives with no where to go. The feeling of just going was always good. The wind reminds me of late evenings on the porch talking about the day. It reminds me of the blue waters. It reminds me of the sands where two close friends were married. One was stealing my heart the other was trying to feel alive. Its reminds me of the summer that he came all the way from DC for my birthday. It reminds me of the blue-eyed country girl that scared the shit outta me when I first met her. (I thought she had issues cause she listened to country music). Now I miss her laugh. It reminds me of so many good-byes. It reminds me of car washes and sun burns. It reminds me of tattoo's and lazy bbq's. It reminds me of fleeting moments and stolen kisses. It reminds me of Baskin Robbins sundaes and Starbuck coffee's. It reminds me of the good things. The things I over looked when I was there. I want the wind to take me there. I need it to hold me close.
I am lonely inside and that is far worse than being a drunk with love for the people that surround her but not enough for herself.
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| Last Night |
| 03.02.04 (10:31 am) [edit] |
I'm trying to figure out how to explain last night. I'm trying to think if I was in the wrong. I'm not violent its not my style. I walk away from confrontations. I'm not good at them. We're gonna talk about the end of the night cause Monday nights in general are always a good time. I missed you (J). Everything was cool. We walk out when the lights come up. Once again the night has slipped on by. "You don’t have to go home but you gots to get the hell outta here." We all walk down stairs. People. Beautiful ass people. I'm standing by a mutual friend who tries to grab someone else's girl. All of them turn around and they go back and forth for a minute. I jump in.
"Hey look she's drunk. She didn't mean nothing by it," I say.
"Get your fucken girl in check man cause that ain't cool," one says back.
I stand in between them. The mutual friend is talking shit. I turn and tell her to shut-up. Let it go and she was disrespecting them for no reason. They watch me with a close eye. I still don't know why I even got in the middle of it. If I had known what the out come had been I would have let them beat her ass but I digress. In the back of my head I thought of (J). She would have jumped in and then it would have been a mess. Maybe I was trying to save the world. Maybe I was trying to make everything right.
"Look its all about respect and its all good. I got her and no harm no foul right?"
"At least you got some sense," the other one says. "Because of you we'll let it go."
"I'm sorry," I say. "Look it’s not worth it I swear. We're gonna go about our business alright?"
One of the other girls is still heated. They grab her and walk across the street. I talk to the soberest one for a minute and she tells me that its cool to have people that watch out for you. I turn to see where the mutual friend is. At this point she had moved on. I shake my head. I tell the girl to have a good night and I apologize again. We wait for a minute. Cruzando tells me we have to go. I wanted to make sure (J) was alright since the mutual friend was not. I offer to follow her home. (J) says o.k. Cruzando just goes with it. I know he doesn’t want too. We get into the cars. The mutual friend jumps out and runs across the street. Usually I don't care but something makes me turn around and look. I get out and run too telling Cruzando to bring the car around.
At this point the mutual friend is arguing with someone we know from the bar. Just as I get there they push and I get in the middle. I hold her back trying to get her to calm down. The other one reaches around and tries to hit her and slightly grazes her face. The mutual friend breaks my grip and things are being said back and forth. The other girl turns to walk away. Cool I think and let the mutual friend go. I look around for no more than two seconds and the mutual friend takes after her. I have never seen a more coward fucking thing to do in my life. She just knocks her in the back of the head and the other girl hits the cement hard. I run and push the mutual friend telling her to back the fuck off. Someone yells from their balcony, "what the fuck is her problem!"
I try to get the chick on the floor up but her hands are bleeding and she doesn't quite understand what the fuck just happened. She swings at me telling me to let her go. I won't. I'm trying to get her to calm down. I'm trying to not let her drive. I'm trying to get a grip on my own sanity. I'm trying to keep the mutual friend away but I want to kick her ass. The other girl gets up.
"Let me go. I promise I'm just gonna go home," she says half crying.
"Only if you let me walk you to your car," I say. She gives me a menacing look but we walk away.
She gets into her car. There is nothing I can do to keep her from speeding away. There is nothing I can do to take her pain away. There is nothing I can do to take the moment back. I shouldn't have let the mutual friend go. I should have held on to her. At least till (J) or Cruzando show up and I lost it. I turn to find her. I run at her and push her (hard). Fuck it right. What kind of person does that and thinks its alright? I am no better. I should have let it go. None of the end of the night had anything to do with me but there I was sinking in the moment. I wanted her to push me back. I wanted her to give me a reason to swing. I needed her too. I saw red or black how ever you want to identify the moment. All of a sudden Cruzando is grabbing me and (J) grabs the mutual friend. I'm running at the mouth. Calling her anything I could think of. They are trying to calm me down. I wasn’t having it. Not after all that. I was screaming at them both for defending her. It was my anger that took hold.
"Calm down. You can tell me about it in the truck. We need to go." he tells me. "It's three o'clock in the morning and you aren’t going to solve anything right now. We need to go."
It made sense and I heard him. I understood . It wasn’t good enough. I take a deep breath and look at him and I come to my senses. "Let me go. I'm fine. I'll meet you at the truck I promise. Just make sure (J) is o.k."
He starts to let me go and I walk away. When I turn around half way there I see that they are looking for the mutual friend. I get angry again. Let her walk. Let her get lost. She deserves it. I start back but Cruzando sees me and runs to me. Grabbing my arm. We get into the car. I ask about (J) but I don’t hear the answer. I know I fucked up. I cry on the way home. I didn’t have anything to say. There was no excuse for my behavior. None. I cry cause I felt bad about the other girl getting pushed. I cry cause I should have just stayed home. I cry cause maybe I hurt both Cruzando and (J). I know I said things. Things that I can't take back. For that I am sorry but that is all I'll apologize for.
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| Lingerie Kitten |
| 03.01.04 (9:28 am) [edit] |
"I want to buy something nice," she says.
"I could see you in something more sexy than skimpy," I answer.
"Well I kinda want to do something different," she says slowly.
"Ah….you want to let the tiger out huh? Cause you know I really think you have potential. Not that I don’t think that you don’t already know that."
We came up with a plan. She wanted to buy something but couldn’t think of anyone that she could take with her to help her pick something. I wondered why these decisions are never made when I'm present and able to give a helping hand (this happens all the time). We talk about colors. (no red and no white) I suggested a champagne color because of the tone of her skin.
"I could pick up a catalog and circle the ones that I think would look good on you. Then I'll circle them and send it to you, " I offer.
"You're funny," she says laughing.
I found myself enjoying the thought and then suppressed it. It was an innocent enough conversation. I am riding along into the city the day after and I get a call.
"I had to call someone and share. I just spent $200 dollars in an underwear store," she says giggling.
I laugh and congratulate her. I am sad cause I didn’t get the chance to get the catalog. She tells me how the cashier offered to help her pick something out. She was quick to say no thank you and picked out a couple of things. She went with lacy black and pink. Good combination I think. My mind wanders and I put it back in check.
"She must not have been cute, " I say.
"Who? The cashier?" she asks.
I laugh and say, "Yes cause I think you may have enjoyed letting someone help you pick something out."
"Maybe, " she says. "But I really don’t think I could let some stranger look at my body."
"I'm gonna write about you, " I tell her.
"You can't put my name down, " she says quickly.
"Don’t worry I'll come up with something, " I answer. "You'll know its you."
"You could use the sex kitten line?" she suggests.
"No." I tell her.
"Why?" she asks half offended.
"Well not that you aren't a sex kitten but there are rules remember and I'm trying really hard to stick to them. Though this lingerie thing makes it a little difficult to focus."
She laughs. We agree on a title. She knows its written for her.
"I'm gonna send you pictures," she says.
I get quiet and make a strange request (especially to those that know me well).
"O.k but you can't be wearing it. I cant stick to the rules if you send me something like that. Lay it on a bed or something."
"Have I told you how funny you are," she says.
Yes…..I am waiting for the pictures. We hang up and I have a smile on my face. Women. Such beautiful tender creatures.
*sigh……
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