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| The Sun Will Come Up Tomorrow |
| 05.28.04 (9:39 am) [edit] |
OMG. So I am getting older. My body no longer responds the way it used too when I would drink endless amounts of liquor. I am learning that I need to know when to say when. As much as I can say that I no longer drink as frequently as I used to, when I do drink I drink I drink until I am unrational and immature. You’d think that at my age I’d just get it already. So some things need to change. This only came to me at 300 this morning. I spent yesterday praying for some miracle to take the throbbing in my head away. I spent the day in and out of sleep. Me and the toilet got to know each other real well. I still can’t eat anything without my stomach turning. So I’m on a coffee and cream diet until my insides decide that they will let me eat something without returning it through my nose. I know I called a handful of you to apologize for being such an asshole. Sometimes “I’m sorry” isn’t enough. I realize that. I pulled a fast one and I should have known better but we all fuck up and I’m not dwelling on it. I know I can hurt people. I know that I am not the best at taking care of me. I know that I have issues but fuck it. All anyone can hope for is understanding.
On the flip side of this rather repetitive blabber. I had a blast on Wednesday night. It was so good to see a distant and familiar face. Can I just say that no one rocks stripped skirts the way you do. Or maybe it was the affect of the liquor and being in good company. So many people. I like the comfort zone that people can provide especially when I was surrounded by strangers. I can’t say I remember too much. I can remember having conversations. Realizing that that girl makes me weak in the knees. Smiles. Pictures. Laughter. All in all no regrets. Even if I had to pay for it the day after.
I am glad it’s the weekend. Most of the people I know are gone for the holiday. I will spend it working and watching some movies. Care to join me? I got a lonely ass apartment and I wouldn’t mind the company to be honest. Call me.
“Your body's saying things I ain't never heard
You did the shake-shake and I kinda went beserk
Gotta give it to you girl you're one of a kind
When you took my hand up so calm
Touched it to your cherry lip balm
A million nasty things went through my mind”
--JT--
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| Mountains and Mountains |
| 05.26.04 (10:13 am) [edit] |
Everything feels piled up all of a sudden. I'm stressed and I need a massage. I want to drink but I cant because I have to get up early every morning for the next year. While everyone is out traveling and having fun at the local bars I sit at home wondering how much longer till the next check gets here. I can't save for any vacation. I'm going to spend my summer getting older and cleaning up shitty parks. Sometimes I think I may have been better off in jail.
I'm in a funk. I don't care much about anything. My days just zoom on by. I want to bask in the sun and run from my responsibilities but I know I can't because if I do that's all I'll ever amount too. I couldn't sleep last night. I finally fell into dull dreams and nightmares at 3 in the morning. Only to wake up in a cold sweat this morning. I'm a drone.
Wake up. Brush my teeth. Shower. Go to work. Work. Go home. Eat. Watch tv. Sleep. Do it all over again the next morning.
Somewhere in between all that there are little things that remind me that I have to keep going. There are things that spark that little light. It always burns long enough to show me some kind of path before it goes dim again. So I stumble on. Occasionally I come out unscathed. Sometimes the wounds are deeper than the last. All in all I'm knee deep in my mind.
I've been good. I haven't drank to any extremity in forever. Instead of buying liquor I buy what I need. Can I just say this shit sucks??..
Boring boring dull dull broke broke. They weren't kidding when they said that money makes the world go round. Cause if you don't have it it feels like you are always in reverse.
Like 2Pac says??.
I know it seem hard sometimes but uhh
Remember one thing
Through every dark night,
there's a bright day after that
So no matter how hard it get, stick your chest out
Keep your head up, and handle it
Me against the world
Nuttin to lose
It's just me against the world baby
Me against the world
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| Stressin |
| 05.25.04 (4:10 pm) [edit] |
I'm stressed. I need a back massage and some one to just talk too.
where is everyone all of a sudden?
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| Sleepy Time |
| 05.25.04 (10:14 am) [edit] |
So last night I was watching the television (yes I do this a lot). I clicked it off a little after 9:30pm and went to my room. I love the way the smell of incense and musk linger in my room. I wrote a little and sat on my bed wondering if I should just go to bed. I pulled out my bag of goodies and started to sift through some of the scrap pieces of paper that I wrote on. Then just as abruptly I didn't feel like going through any of it. I put it all back on the shelf in my closet. I sifted through some of my CD's trying to figure out what I wanted to listen too. I played Billie Holiday and shut off the lights. I usually don't sleep under my covers. I like to take the blanket and wrap it around my legs. It was cool out last night. A secret (I sleep with my window open). I like the way the air feels at night. Its crisper. Its calmer. Its cool and collected. I like the chill it sends up my back when the breeze is coming in.
I can never fall asleep when I put the covers on. Even when its chilly I don't put them on. I hadn't noticed it until last night. It was cooler than usual and I put the cover on properly and then I tossed and turned for a half hour. Billie crooned on my radio and I still couldn't fall asleep. So I got up and found a sweater, I slipped that on and tried it again. I kid you not I was asleep in less than 15 minutes. I don't remember hearing the end of the CD. Closing the window is not an option. I need to feel that cold air against my skin. It's soothing to me. Granted by late morning I wrap myself in the blanket and I wake up cold as shit but I deal with it. I think I prefer that than not being able to sleep. I go through phases where everything wakes me up. Then I sleep solid through just about anything. Then I can't fall asleep till really late and then I sleep as early as nine. Right now I am into the really early bedtime. What can I say I love to sleep right now. There is no one I want to call. There isn't much to talk about.
I wish I could go home right now. This weather makes me drag. I'd crawl back into my inviting bed and play something soft and just drift off again.
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| Hey Nani Nani |
| 05.24.04 (9:04 am) [edit] |
I watched Sorority Boys last night at a friends house after we grilled up some chicken. I hadnt seen this girl since I had quit working at Red Lobster years ago. We bumped into each other at a restaurant about a month ago and I couldnt believe it. So we exchanged numbers and have tried to hang out for weeks now. Finally we get it right and I go to her house. I love her place. Every room in her house is a different color. With a different theme in each room. I adore it. I know it seemed extreme when Cruzando had mentioned it but actually seeing it was cool. It gave the house more character. So anyway her husband is a big pot smoker and he offered me some. I said no thank you. I cant remember the last time I smoked weed. But I do remember it giving me headaches so I pass on the smoke and ask for a drink instead. We were watching this movie and laughing our asses off. Its really funny if you give it a chance.
Anyway by the end of the night we were saying our goodbyes and they offer me a brownie. I knew what was in it but I had never actually eaten one before. Well temptation gets the best of me and I eat half just to see what would happen. I told them I didnt feel anything and they laughed. They told me to give it time. So Im like whatever and I eat the other half too. By the time I get home Im spinning and I get this container of water out so that I can drink it later. I pop in the movie Gothika cause I think it would be cool to watch it high. Damn that was a bad idea. All I could think about was how soft Halle Berrys lips looked. Try as I did to concentrate on what was going on I just couldnt. So I turned the movie off and watched videos instead. I drank the container of water before going to bed. This morning when I get up I realize I am still high. Everything still feels light and when I played Alicia Keys as I got ready this morning it sounded different. Like she was sitting in my room singing too me. I took a shower to try to wake up a little but that didnt help either. I just wanted to go back to bed. So I did the next best thing. I got the Visine out. Squirted two drops in each eye and prayed that no one could tell I was under the influence of anything. Are these things supposed to last this long?
So here I am at worked mesmerized by the background on my screen. It looks all loopy and the red sticks out. How the hell am I gonna get any work done? I have to not stare at things and just be cool. I want to go home and listen to my Alicia Keys again.
Youre like a diamond
but she treats you like glass
and you beg her to love you
but from me you wont ask
This is all Im gonna write for nowwho knows maybe later I can find some non-sense to scribble down.
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| It's just Fiction |
| 05.21.04 (11:21 am) [edit] |
She awoke from a terrible dream. Her skin was clammy from the sweat and she could hear the neighbors fighting next door. She took a deep breath and lay back in her empty bed. There was a door that slammed and she went to the window to see who it was that was leaving. He turned on his car and let the motor rip as he peeled out of the drive way. There was a slight knock on her door.
Can I come in? Isis asked.
She moved to make room for her. This is where she came when it got to be too much. Last weekend her boyfriend had practically broke her door down trying to come and get her. Their eyes met briefly. She went to the kitchen to make some tea while Isis lay down on the couch. She watched her slight frame curled up on the couch. Her hair was matted to her face and her eyes were red from crying. In her dream she had seen her boyfriend beat her to death. She stood paralyzed as she screamed for him to stop. The brief flashback gave her goose bumps. The whistle on the kettle brought her back. She poured two cups and took them into the living room.
He doesnt want me coming over here anymore, Isis said.
Is that what the fight was about? she asked.
Yes.
Maybe I should talk to him. Its not like anything is going on, she responded.
Isis sat up and wiped her face with the back of her hands. She took the cup into her hands and let the heat from the tea sooth her. How was she supposed to tell her that this is where she wanted to be? That when she wasnt here all she could think about was her. It wasnt right. Nothing had ever been said or done to make her think that it was more than a friendship. One night she and her boy friend had been arguing in the hallway about what she couldnt remember now. Right when he had raised his hand to hit her the door opened and she had walked out to ask if everything was alright. He stormed out of the building and Isis just stood there shaken. She had invited her in for a cup of tea and this is where she came too when things got rough. Lately when he didnt come back she would come and stay with her. Anything to be in her space. She was always quite. She would sit and listen but never tell her to leave him. She was the muse of her days and she couldnt figure out when it happened but she had learned to love her.
No it doesnt really matter, Isis said quietly.
She watched Isis. Something had changed. She wouldnt look her in the eyes. She would sit farther away. When she stayed the night they always slept close enough but never touched. It was a slow torture when shed here her crying at night. He would come home and argue with her about money. When it was his addiction that was driving her mad. She knew that she loved him for whatever reason. She never asked. She would just let her talk sometimes for hours as they lay in bed. Once she had held her because she couldnt stop crying and when she fell asleep she had gone to sleep on the couch. In the mornings Isis would get up before five to go back to her apartment. She would hear her but pretended to sleep. She never asked her to stay.
You dont think it will help? she asked.
Were leaving for New York next week, Isis said quietly.
Her heart sunk. She stared at her cup watching the steam lift off of it. When did it start to matter what she did? They sat in silence for what seemed an eternity. The room seemed darker. Was she supposed to ask her not to go? Isis shifted in her spot and took a sip of her cup. She could make out the lines of her face. She couldnt read her in the dark or at any other time for that matter. She seemed so fragile right now.
He doesnt like it here and there is family there, she said breaking the silence. It would be better for us both.
Isis wanted her to tell her to stay. He was going to go with or without her. She wanted to stay here in this confusion. She had told him that and thats what had made him explode this evening. There was no hesitation in her bones and when he went to reach for her she threatened to call the police. It stopped him in his tracks and he threw a vase against the wall instead. Isis waited as she often did to get a reaction from her but her face was blank. She just stared into her cup.
Well if thats what you need to do, she finally said as she got up to empty her now cold tea into the sink.
She wanted Isis to leave her to her thoughts but couldnt bring herself to ask her to go. She just watched from the kitchen as Isis sat on the couch. What had happened? She remembers hearing the yelling for the first time a week after they had moved in. It had gotten to the point where it could be heard inside over the television. She had stuck her head out in time to see this couple arguing. He had his hand raised and quickly put it down when she asked if everything was alright. He stormed out and she asked her if she had wanted a cup of tea. Now watching her and knowing she had to go she wished she had never opened that door. Isis got up off the couch and put her cup into the sink.
I should probably go, she said. I just wanted to say thank you. For everything.
Their eyes met saying everything that needed to be said. No one was going to stop the other from going. It wasnt something either one was ready to deal with. Their hearts beating at the same pace. Both wanting this feeling to end. It was what it was while it lasted. There was soft spot for one another. It was something they would never forget. Something that never started. Something that was having to end. Isis took a deep breath and started to walk out. There was a hesitation in her step but she knew it was time to go. The door closed and it was quiet again in the apartment. He didnt come back until it was time to go. All week she waited for the knock on the door but there was only silence. She could here the boxes being packed next door. The night before they left there was a song playing loudly next door. She opened her window so she could hear it clearly.
Ive always been in love with you
I guess youve always known its true
Why oh why
The show is over say goodbye.
She leaned her head against the cool glass and let it soak in. In the background she could hear the creaking of their bed. It wasnt supposed to hurt this much and after tomorrow it wouldnt matter anymore. She hadnt made any attempts to call her. Though she wanted too. There had been no more arguments after that last time and so there she sat night after night thinking about her. Wanting the chance to at least say goodbye. Letting the hands of time just slip through her hands.
Isis lay in bed. He thought the song was for him. She had played it loud to avoid the sounds of them having sex from floating into the next room. She needed her to know before she left what it was that she felt inside. After the last fight Isis had told him that she would go back with him and he had managed to stay cool all week. They had reconciled in his eyes. In her eyes she was letting him soothe some of the pain. She turned her head towards the window as he slid in and out of her. The song was ending. A single tear slid down her face. All week all she could think about was knocking on that door but there was no reason too. There were no more arguments. There was no more excuses to back.
The show is over say goodbye
sayyyy good bye..
**end.
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| Belize |
| 05.20.04 (10:22 am) [edit] |
My roommate is in Belize. He left for the land of blue waters and white sands last night and I am jealous and Im gonna miss him. I know that we have our differences but I miss having someone to talk shit too. We are rather weird in our ways but we have a particular understanding of and with each other. Its been that way for as long as I remember. Last night he and an old friend of ours hung out at the apt before leaving. They were having beers and shots and I was laying on the couch sick from eating an expired Lean Cuisine the night before. I wanted to drink and bullshit too. I wanted to sit there and get buzzed and talk about dumb shit. I found out something about (G) that has me rather interested. Apparently he participated in an amateur porn video. I want to see it. I know it seems gross especially since we are friends and have known each other forever but COME ON. Tell me you wouldnt be curious? My goal is to get him to let me see it. I dont know HOW I will manage this but Im sure Ill come up with something.
I was complaining about how Cruzando doesnt have any porn in the house and it went from there. He offered to let me borrow some from his VERY large collection. The conversation just weaved in and out from there. He asked if I would ever be in a porn. I told him no because I wouldnt want anyone finding it later on and my body isnt what it used to be. Then it went into whether or not you would do it with your partner. I said yeah. It would be fun but only for our viewing pleasure. (G) under estimates me. I know that for a fact and this whole time Cruzando is just laughing his ass off. (G) doesnt know a lot about me. I think in ways he still thinks Im that girl from high school and he was the one that got away. I told Cruzando that if we had worked out I would have had his kids. (Yeah I know it seems weird) but its true. That was then however and now we just have this cool friendship. I didnt think we would have remained remotely as close as we are but it has more to do with Cruzando maintaining his closeness to him while I was away. Things dont always work out the way we anticipate. I wasnt ready for a relationship when I met him. He wanted someone to plan the rest of his life out with. I think he found her. He does have her name tattooed on his calf after all.
If I had wanted a normal life who knows but I wasnt ready for it then. I wonder who is ever really ready especially at that age. He has his side however and thats the side that I am drawn too. The side that his GF doesnt know about. I know he goes to the clubs, he has his booty calls. Hes down for whatever, whenever. During the summer some time I think they move in together. I told him he was gonna be on lock-down. He tries to tell me its not gonna happen. If he wants his future however, hes going to have to make a sacrifice. I told him he couldnt have his cake and eat too. Well see where it goes.
Cruzando is gone for the week. I think he knows me better than most at this point. Oh the webs we weave.
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| This Blog |
| 05.17.04 (1:03 pm) [edit] |
I don't feel like writing anything today. My weekend was the same as the others except I got to meet Cruzando's family on Friday. All I know is that we drank way too much wine and he was mad at me for getting drunk in front of his family. I figured it wouldn't matter. I don't think I'm that embarrassing when I'm drunk. Funny, yes. Witty, yes. Maybe I'm the only one that thinks this, possibly. He apologized later and I did as well. I didn't intend to get drunk but we drank 2 buck Chuck for almost two hours. Its wine for those that don't know. It's cheap and sold at Trader Joe's for $2 but it tastes like a $20 bottle. I'm not sure how that works but its true. I drank it and I am now a believer. There was no hangover so this was a plus.
My Saturday class started this weekend. It blows beyond belief. Two hours of sitting in a room with apprx 35 people. We sit and watch old 80's educational videos. We sit in a room with no AC and try to not fall asleep as our instructor who calls herself a "realist" talks to us, let me rephrase that, she talks to herself about what she wants to discuss with the class. I have to hold back a laugh because I find it funny. Of course if I laugh she's going to want to know what I'm laughing about. Oh it's like high school all over again. I'm so over this DUI shit. I get it alright. Plain and simple people don't fucken do it. Though I know these words will not be listened too. I feel I just need to put it out there. Time consuming, money consuming, emotionally draining bull-shit. I brought it on myself no one needs to remind me of this. I remind myself every time I start to complain.
I also discovered that someone (and this is only from observation) is trying to mold me into something that I am not. I cut my hair last week and got layers put into it. It was time. It was suggested that I wax my eyebrows and wear low-cut shirts. I considered the waxing thing. I have to be comfortable in my own skin. Does what I look like make me? Do what other people think of me when they see me make me? Do I change for them? Do I stay the same because I can't get past myself? I don't fit into the mold. I think I've always known that. I can only be who I am but what happens when that isn't enough? Do I start tweaking things so that I can squeeze into the mold? So that I can belong to something vs the feeling of belonging too nothing at all. If I could change me what would I want? A little more height? A smaller frame? Different color eyes? Straighter hair? A flat stomach? Would I miss the old me? My presence is demanding. I know that generally people enjoy me for what I am. Me. Whatever that is because I don't even know half the time.
My sister's prom was this weekend after the class I spent an two hours trekking next to smelly people from one side of the bay to the other so I could help her get ready. I arrive and she begins the process at the end I realize how stunning she really is. Not an ounce of jealousy. Just this feeling of awe. My mom makes a comment and I don't respond. These are the things I have to deal with. Time seems to have sped past me. I thought a little about this as I waited for her to come home.
Last night I had a dream that I ran into someone in the parking lot of a shopping center. She asked me to sit in her car and talk to her for a minute. I got in but as soon as the doors closed I realized that I didn't want to be there. I squeezed her hand and got back out. There was nothing left to say. She just looked at me. Expecting me to change my mind and come back in. I walked away instead. What does it all mean in the end?
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| My Solitude |
| 05.13.04 (1:04 pm) [edit] |
Last night I toasted to my solitude. I rode home on my bike (no accidents) and when I got home I didnt sit on the couch and think about where I was going. I cleaned the kitchen, did the dishes, wiped the bathroom down, put my laundry in the wash, got things out to make dinner with. I played my music loud and sang at the top of my lungs. The kids that like to sit on our porch for what ever reason where laughing at me but I didnt care. I winked at them and they ran away.
I prepared dinner. I made tofu stir-fry with Chinese noodles. I lit the candles in the house so the food smell wouldnt take over. Then as it simmered in the wok I sat on my couch and opened a cold one. I felt light and I toasted to myself. So if this is what it takes to make me happy then thats exactly all I need. I get caught up in what everyone else is experiencing. How everyone else is living their lives. Then I forget that what they have isnt whats going to make me happy.
I ran a hot bath, grabbed my radio and plugged it in. I played my favorite CD. Its a mix of lady blues singers and I played it loud. I soaked in it. I sang at the top of my lungs as I sipped on some Bacardi. I let the heat of the water just take it all away. When I looked down at my toes I saw the tattoo around my ankle. It says Life but symbolizes so much more. There is another one out there on the same foot. I realized that when someone asks her about it, shell remember and that put a smile on my face.
I went to bed relaxed and with a clear mind. I wish I had more days like this. More days of clarity and satisfaction. I think life will remind us how good it really is if we allow it too when we are low. Sometimes its just a matter of letting it go. Whatever it may be.
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| Oops. |
| 05.12.04 (11:07 am) [edit] |
I have been riding my bike to and from work now for about two weeks. Not as constantly as Id like to be due to hangovers sometimes but I make an honest effort when I can. It feels good to ride in the morning. That crisp air and the morning smells of breakfast and donuts. You dont get that on the bus let me tell you. The ride itself is more or less 15 minutes depending on traffic. So I get some kind of activity into my day which is exciting. I hadnt really made any effort to get out and run or do anything of that nature since I had gotten out of the military. I blew up into a little balloon. Im better now though. Trust me Ive seen pictures and people have commented. Maybe if I keep at it Ill start running again but I need motivation and I have to do one thing at a time or I just wont do anything at all.
Yesterday on my way home I was riding along the streets of the hood and I noticed this car that would speed up and then slow down. I dont make anything of things like that usually. I think it was the way the sun was hitting my face. The squint that I had on my face must have really done it for him. Anyway he was trying to be cute basically and when he went to speed up again he hit the car in front of him. Hard. That poor car didnt know what was coming to him. Anyone that had been paying attention could see that the truck that was hit was waiting for a parking spot. Not him though he was too busy trying to do the pst pst thing and nailed him right in the ass.
I do not laugh at things like that because someone could have been hurt. As always there is an exception to the rule and I almost fell of my bike cause I started laughing my ass off. I got to the end of the block and had to share so I call my constant Cruzando.
Hello? he says.
Hey I just caused an accident, I say giggling.
What? he says. (Yes he has a vast vocabulary he just wasnt using it at the time)
Well I didnt cause it directly but there was this guy and he was trying to be cute and he hit the car in front of him cause he wasnt paying attention, I say still laughing.
Hes half laughing and here is the kicker, How does that make you feel?
What the hell kinda question is that!?!?!? Obviously it was funny and I wasnt feeling anything except guilty cause the poor guy in front of him got hit pretty hard.
Uhm I hadnt got to thinking about that yet I guess, I say.
Well I gotta go, he says.
O.k talk to you later, I hang-up.
I didnt think of it as flattering honestly. I mean it was but not in the let me give you a flower cause you look like you need one kinda way. I didnt give it a second thought really and I kinda feel sorry for the pst pst guy. I hope he had insurance. Maybe its cause Im not used to it. I just brush it off like I do a lot of things and go about my day. It was funny though.
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| Sugar Walls |
| 05.11.04 (1:19 pm) [edit] |
I heard this term in a song the other day and I like the way it rolls off my tongue. I had an idea of what it meant based on the use of the term in the lyrics. So I came to work to look it up this morning. Sheena Easton sang about it. The porn world has 29 parts to it. You get the point. I think it would make a great book title.
Sugar Walls written by ********
It wasnt so much that I loved to the trace her naked body as she slept. It was the way she calmed that storm inside. I loved the way the sheets lay lazily across her. I pulled them off her slowly. Her soft skin. I watched as her breath escaped her. I kissed her lips trying to catch her soul. She stirred only long enough to lean closer. I could smell her perfume in her hair. I knew where all her scars were. I loved the dip of her lower back. I placed a hand on her face. I wanted to soak her in. It was an experience every time we were together. It was a thick molasses of passion and lust. In an hour shed be gone. Leaving her scent on my pillows. I always pretended to sleep as she walked out the door. I liked the way her silhouette looked as her shadow followed her.
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| In my Cell |
| 05.10.04 (10:48 am) [edit] |
P. was minding his business and I was getting over the fact that the only reason I really go out is to dance or drink. Cruzando pointed him out saying that he looked out of place. I glanced quickly and Cruzando says that he is straight. In my head straight guys dont come to places such as these and I go to talk to him. I wound up talking to him and his friends for about half an hour. I grabbed him by the hand and took him to the dance floor. Hot is what came to mind. He has a broad chest and smooth skin. He has full lips and a dark complexion. We danced for a minute. He doesnt seem to know how to move to the beat unless he grinds. I dont know if I like that or not. Last night however I didnt care. At least I was talking to someone and at least someone was returning the attention.
Last night, I should also mention, that I made the attempt not to drink. One I was broke. Two I didnt want to wake up with a hang over. Im not as vibrant as I used to be and I dont do well the morning after if I dont sleep. Anyway SOMEONE was trying to get me buzzed. Apparently Im better when Im on her level and she didnt want to be the only one drinking. Maybe its cause I wasnt dancing close enough (hmmmmm gonna have to think about this one). Needless to say at the end of the night I was slightly buzzed and I came home to take a vitamin and drink some water before bed. (The vitamins help I know its hard to believe but Im telling the truth). Its not a %100 cure but it gives your body some nutrients back.
I now have Ps number in my cell and Im going to sit here and think about the 100 reasons I should not call and the one reason I want too. Did I mention he lives right around the corner from my place?
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| FRIENDS is over |
| 05.07.04 (11:26 am) [edit] |
Last night I watched the finale. I hadnt seen the show since it had started that first year. It was our theme show in high school. Though I dont remember what characters were assigned to who. I stopped watching when I graduated high school. They played clips from some of the previous episodes and I found myself laughing at a lot. I could think of all the silly things that on several occasions Ive done with different friends. I think the reason the show worked was because it wasnt so much about complicated drama situations. It was about a bunch of people who do stupid things. People that over the years made us laugh. The comedy was a simple chemistry. It was a healthy window into the silliness of other people. Im probably going to go and rent all the series now. Just because it was funny and yeah thats a lot of episodes but I have a lot of time on my hands at night. (If anyone cares to join in this little Friends marathon let me know).
Then as I watched I felt this sadness or incomplete feeling come over me. I was telling Cruzando that wed never be invited to normal things. I miss having the mixture of friends. I realized that I want a family and a baby (or two). I want to like being me instead of thinking about the ending to everything. Or maybe Im just freaking out cause I turn 27 this year and its still just me in this solid ass fucked up world. Its not gonna change any time soon either. For what ever reason its the way its always been. Its not so much about being lonely as it is about being alone. I need to identify with something but I dont. I need something solid to hold on too but I dont. I know I have me but if you read here you know that me isnt always that stable either. I can see myself emerging myself in all these recent thoughts. Sifting, figuring it out and coming out at the other end of the tunnel. I just need to get there.where ever there is.
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| Last Night |
| 05.06.04 (10:38 am) [edit] |
The time on deck is 9:15 am and I am ready for bed. I want to jump back into my comfy bed and sleep at least three more hours. It was worth it. I dont really remember the last time I stayed long enough to close the Caf down. It was great last night. Im always in a good mood when Im surrounded by good company. I needed to feel that pulse go through me.
Hockeybratthe straight bar back is mine! You know I got it bad for the straight girls that talk back to me and pretend that they arent looking at me when they are. Mirrors are a great invention. *wink wink (Im gonna pretend that it wasnt her BF that was making sure no one accosted her). I got her name and she said goodnight on the way out.
L Pimpyou are beautiful and need to just ride it out. I promise not to fantasize about you and your new friend as long as you both come back to dinner soon. I love you girl. You can ALWAYS come sleep in my bed when necessary. You know I think your sexy-sexy.
SmokeyI dont know if you are reading this page yet. I like the way you drink your cognac and smoke a cigarette while having a real conversation with EVERYONE at the same time. You can tell a joke and hang with the gays better than anyone I know.
Rasberryyou slapped my ass really hard and I hope your hand is sore this morning. Bet you didnt expect it to be so hard huh?? Now that you know the secret about how me and Cruzando stalked you for a month we are officially friends. The next time I talk to you I dont want to hear about what you are doing in bed..well maybe I do.
CruzandoIm glad you dragged my lame ass out last night. You know I got nothing but love for you. Let the adventures begin. Im glad we arent getting a divorce and who knows maybe someday youll catch me having sex too (this is too funny). Did everyone know that unless someone catches you having sex you arent really having it??? (Im really gonna have to explain this in a later blog).
Anyway we all closed the place down. Danced. Drank. Laughed. Talked and danced some more. We had pizza and someone ate mine so I had to get a different one. I still cant believe she just picked it up and ate it. We rolled in at 300 am and I tried to get Cruzando to sleep in my bed so I wouldnt sleep through my alarm. Then he said that I should sleep in his bed cause he didnt want to sleep in my bed. But I dont like his bed. So instead he barged into my room at 615 this morning to wake me up. I heard the alarm though. For the record I wasnt as drunk as I could have been and this makes me happy cause there is no hang over but Im sleepy as hell.
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| Today |
| 05.04.04 (10:24 am) [edit] |
Today is my sisters 17th birthday. I didnt realize the number until she mentioned it yesterday. I thought of her smile and her giggle as she told me.
The big 1-7, she says.
Is it really? I say doing the math in my head.
Uh yeah you turn old this year the real big 2-7, she says half laughing.
I laugh, Asshole thanks for reminding me. Hey I gotta go. Love you.
I was sitting on the bus on the way home yesterday after that brief conversation and I realized how much that girl means to me. Not that anyone would think that I dont love her but there is something about the way we get along. We fight like boys, we laugh like girls. She is this spoiled structure of everything that I didnt have at her age. She has this smile that could stop anyone in their tracks. She has a sense of humor that could make the shittiest day a little bit better.
I called her early this morning, Happy birthday biatch.
Damn you couldnt wait till later to call me hoe, she says giggling.
Any big plans for today, I ask.
Oh you know Im gonna go to school and see how many of my bitches bring me presents, she says.
Girls or boys? I ask.
Hmmmmmmaybe both, she answers. Nah you know Im playing. You still gonna come to the game right?
Im missing DUI class tonight so I can go the the As vs. Yankees game with her. Shes been nagging me about it since last week. I was considering keeping my priorities straight but then I thought about how Id rather spend the day with her than talking to a bunch of losers (like me).
Yeah Ill be there. Hey I gotta get ready for work. Ill talk to you later, I say.
O.K. uhm C****? she asks.
What man? I say.
Thank you and I love you, she says quickly.
Me too baby. Have a good day o.k?
We hang up and I am warm inside. In so many ways she has saved me from myself at different times in my life. The biggest reason that I came home after the military was to be with her. There were other reasons but they dont really exist anymore. She has this way of bringing out the better part of me. She is the reason I check myself when Im headed down the wrong road. I remember how when she was 5 the shower scared her. I remember how at 7 she had a big crush on my then BF. I remember how at 10 she used to think she was da bomb. She would make me record her dancing to the latest songs. I remember how when I left she snuck a note into my luggage. I didnt cry when I left home. It was time to go. I cried when I read her misspelled note in my hotel room that night.
I love the way she cries when my dad starts to talk about his younger years. The way she calls me when someone pisses her off and she needs to vent. I love that way shell turn on the radio and sing at the top of her lungs. Or the way she slaps me away when I try to take her food. I love her beauty even though shes moody and jealous. I love the way she laughs at herself and that she doesnt take herself too seriously. How the ghetto comes out when shes talking to her friends but when shes around adults shes a complete lady.
I love that she likes my friends and will snatch the phone from me to say hello when they call. I love that shell make me dance to Celia Cruz at family parties even if no one else is. I love that she makes fun of me when I sing along to the T.A.T.U. song Not gonna get us. I love that she understands me without really having to ask anything.
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| In my Head |
| 05.03.04 (1:57 pm) [edit] |
I was trying to figure out what to write about today. There is so much going on in my head. So I am going to start with me hitting on my old boss. Shes an older woman. Who is married with kids and Friday due to the liquor me and Cruzando consumed I was being more than flirtatious with the lady. Her and her best friend seem to think that the reason I drink so much is cause I need to come out of the closet (this still makes me laugh). I should really tell her that the reason I drink is cause I like it. I like the loopy feeling of losing control. Even if half the time Im making an ass out of myself. This particular night she was looking classy (even Cruzando said so). Anyway Im sitting in the back seat while Cruzando is telling her that she is AFOL. (A Fine Old Lady). I find myself saying that I think she is sexy for her age. I didnt think they were paying attention to me but she turns around and says thank you. I think I turned three shades of red. I tell myself that there will be no more thinking out loud for the rest of the night. There is much more that happened that night but over all. Im crushing and I need to get over it. (story of my life it seems). Sometimes I wish I didnt like people so much.
I will also write that there were these two fine ass girls sitting on my couch last night and I miss having people who like to drink and watch TV with me around. Drinking is not Cruzandos thing. I drank an ungodly amount this weekend. I was being moody and it made me feel better. I do that sometimes. I just need to be drunk. It helps me sift through whatever is going on in my head. I cooked dinner and Im just glad that it came out alright cause I had started drinking real early yesterday. I think for the most part Im just feeling alone lately. Missing old friends. Pushing away new ones. I just dont have the patience for new things right now. That and well the roommate thing is not what I thought it was gonna be. I think I had expectations and well its hard when one is on cloud 9 and the other is barely floating. I dont think I entertain him enough. He isnt as goofy as I am. All the things we thought we had in common seem to have faded somewhere. Or maybe it was all in our heads and we didnt have anyone else to turn too.
I think too much. I over analyze everything. I let little things get to me and dont pay attention to the big picture. What ever the hell that means. It feels like Im always trying to figure things out and then I wonder what for? Why worry about it. Things happen when they happen. Just let it be. I told myself I wouldnt drink tonight but Im thirsty even if my body aches. You ever feel like that? Like nothing is really going to be enough.
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