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| Sick Sick Sick |
| 09.30.04 (2:13 pm) [edit] |
I don’t really remember the last time I was sick. Yesterday when I woke up my head throbbed and my body ached and my throat was raspy and sore. I had left my phone in a friends car the night before so I couldn’t call from home. I stumbled out of bed. I brushed my teeth and was going to head to the pay phone to call in sick to work. There was no way I was going to sit in that office feeling the way that I did. Instead I went to go knock on a neighbors door to ask them to borrow the phone. She was nice enough and she has the sweetest kids (except for the screaming boy) my roommate and I think he’s gay cause he’s always yelling about something. Anyway I called in and though no one is ever happy when someone doesn’t come in, they were understanding enough.
I slept all day yesterday. I got up when Cruz came home but only long enough to move from the bed to the couch. It was so cold and then I was hot then I was cold again. He offered to go get me some medicine for my throat. I fell asleep on the couch again after taking a long hot shower once he was gone. When he came home he fixed me a hot cup of water and I drank the Theraflu after drinking a Sprite and eating some Jello.
We actually watched a show together America’s Top Model is back! Wed nights on the WB. Some of the girls on there are whiny but I suppose that’s what happens when you are spoiled and on the road to become a model. I love that Jackie lady she’s such a bitch. It makes for some good TV….even more so when you are sick and your roomie is sitting there with you.
I’m feeling a little better today even though right now all I really want is my bed and my pillows and maybe some TV.
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| The Muse's Shadow |
| 09.28.04 (1:56 pm) [edit] |
I am empty when I don’t write something creative or from the heart. It’s like I write just to have something to say. To keep most of you here. To maybe get someone else’s attention. I find it in the bottom of a bottle. In the beginning of a song at then end of every missed moment.
I meet you. The night settles and then I never see you again. Moments like that pass me. Frustrate me. So I look in places that I am not supposed to be. I’m going to take things that don’t belong to me because you didn’t give me that chance.
Nights are quite but there is so much more to say.
Fuck that class I want to go sit in a bar. Stare at souls that are as empty as mine. Stumble out. Wake up tomorrow trying to piece myself together. Maybe the silence is driving me into this weakness.
“Come lay with me. I’ve never left you alone,” it would say.
“No I suppose you haven’t have you,” I’d say back.
Then there it would be again. No matter how loud you turn up the radio or the television it will sit with you. Dripping from the walls. Sometimes I have to close my eyes. If I had a car where would I be when it got to be too much? Now I have to sit and face it. It goes thump in the night. It creaks in the bed springs. It’s as thick as molasses on a cold day.
So I’m left with the last muse’s shadow waiting for the next one to land on my door….
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| Morning thoughts |
| 09.28.04 (9:02 am) [edit] |
I am content with my life. I have a job that is easy enough to deal with and yet I don’t want to be here at all anymore. It’s not exactly what I had planned. Then again plans always fall short and I would rather make any excuse than go for what I want.
What I want I can’t have because money makes the world go round and well like 2Pac says “Tryin to make a dolla outta 15 cent” just isn’t easy.
I was looking at houses yesterday. Considering I don’t have a car or any real responsibilities other than paying my fines I really want to save so that in a couple of years I can invest in a home of my own. I’m tired of feeling like I haven’t done anything with myself these last few years. I didn’t go to school like I was supposed to while in the service. Instead I learned to drink like a fish and that caught up with me as soon as the party was over.
I’m thinking after my sister graduates high school next year and she prepares to head off to college (the thoughts that go through my head are scary) I won’t feel so tied down. Not that I have to be here now but I want to be to see her graduate. That’s the least I can do because I know I haven’t always been the perfect example for her. After that who knows what I’ll want to do. I’d like to travel a lot more. Maybe I should look into jobs that would allow me to do that.
I don’t like feeling like this is it. I don’t like the 9 to 5. I don’t like coming home to an empty house. I don’t like not having a yard. I don’t like not having that much in common with my roommate anymore. I think we’re just in different spaces now. Which is perfectly ok because he’s happy in his little world and I’m trying to get by in mine.
I want more from myself. Like everything else I have to find a stepping stone. Somewhere to start over again.
It’s Tuesday and I have class tonight. I hate that I have to catch the bus then BART then walk and do it all again on the way back.
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| It's Monday Already! |
| 09.27.04 (9:24 am) [edit] |
VaNative left me yesterday. As always we had so much fun together. We went out that first night he came in. I had to get up early Friday morning to prepare for the company picnic which I single handedly put together. Of course Vanative drove me around Thursday during the day before we hit the city up. We went to the Castro. We had a nice dinner at Harvey’s then headed for a cocktail at The Bar on Castro, then we went to Pan Dulce for latin night.
Wait this entry is starting sporadically. Let me kind of break down the days:
Thursday morning they flew in and met me at my job site. They took me home then I gave them a house key so that they could come and go as they wanted. That afternoon VaNative picked me up and we went shopping for the company picnic on Friday. We came home and I prepped some of the food as they relaxed and showered and got ready for the evening. As stated before we had dinner and some cocktails at the usual places. We went out dancing and some of my friends came out (hey girls) to dance the night away. Though the night ended a little on the rough side due to others being drunk and irresponsible over all it was a good night.
Friday morning I got up nice and early to do some last minute chopping and preparing before taking off to the park. VaNative had already agreed to come with us that day so we could spend some time together. He goes on a run while I finished up in the kitchen. My roommate helped load the car after picking up the liquor and away we go. We get to site and I tell Cruzando to follow the truck so we could unload by the tables. The ranger person told us that we couldn’t do that or we’d be fined but I proceeded to jump out and tell him we’d only be minute. He was cool enough about it and left us alone. The day was spectacular. I fired up two grills (one for chicken and one for meat) while VaNative and Cruzando set up the volleyball net for me. Everyone started to arrive in trickles. There were lots of introductions. I was glad that Cruzando was there because I cooked most of the day I wasn’t able to spend as much time with VaNative. He as always was getting along fine without me. Sitting under the tree on a blanket with Shirley Temple and The Vixen. They all seemed to really get along. I was busy entertaining the table with all the head honchos. They were mixing up the Mojitos and giving me a hard time at the grill. Of course everyone ate up the food and we drank most of the beer. They played volleyball and listened to music. At the end we cleaned up and went to the Vixen’s apartment.
Let me just interject here that I am in love with this girls apartment. It has the best view from the roof and there are palm trees right outside her window from where you can see her gorgeous courtyard. Not to mention her hardwood floor and high ceilings.
Anyway we lounged around for a bit talking about nothing in particular and VaNative took a little nap on her couch. She and I sat and bullshitted about school and books. Soon we woke him up so we could go home. I was exhausted by the time we got home that evening. VaNative cleaned up and I went to lay down to take a nap. That nap turned into good night for me as he went and conquered the city on his own. He had a friend who was in town so I knew he wouldn’t be alone.
Saturday morning we got up and went into the SF so we could show Dain the city. We went and rode the trolley into Fisheman’s Wharf where we had lunch on the pier and people watched for a little while. Then we walked down to Pier 39 for a little shopping and later went and got desert at The Ghiradellie Factory. (Yum yum warm brownie sundae with whip cream and cherries and nuts). We had to catch the Muni back because the trolleys had broken down due to some kind of cable malfunction. I had to work that night at my bar so we headed back that way early for a little pool before I had to start my shift. They loved it in there. Though they had plans to go with Cruzando to another latin night they decided that they wanted to stay with me. Well o.k. VaNative was having a good time just playing pool and enjoying the company so he convinced Dain that he should go without him. That didn’t happen.
Sunday morning I had to say goodbye to them from the apartment because I promised my father that I would come say hello to some family from LA before they left that afternoon. Which worked out anyway because they were going to be leaving from the city that afternoon. I had originally planned to go in the morning but I slept through my alarm and waited for my brothers to pick me up. VaNative told me to not worry about it because by the time I would get out there they would have to go anyway.
I should have just went with him anyway considering the outcome of visiting my family turned sour because I was having a beer with my cousins. I won’t go there however because it’s wasted time and emotion for something that is just never going to change.
I did get to bed really early. I had some solid sleep and felt refreshed and ready to start the work week this morning. Anything to get my mind off feeling like an asshole for going off on my brother for trying to defend her treating me like an asshole.
Maybe I do deserve it. It’s not like I’ve been the best daughter I guess. I drink, I have tattoos, I’m not married with kids yet, I prefer not to wear make up, I’m not as thin as my sister, I talk back when she’s saying fucked up shit to me.
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| I want.... |
| 09.21.04 (1:33 pm) [edit] |
So today is the last day of summer. It’s rather evident that the warm weather will probably continue for another two weeks. The nights have gotten much cooler and I’m sure I’ll have to shut my window during the winter. I’m going to miss that summer air chilling my body after dark.
When the summer started I had no plans. I just went through the motions. I just let things happen the way that I thought they should. I’ve lost a good friend. I’ve struggled with myself. I’ve dealt with my family. I’ve had moments of sleeplessness. It’s all been a blur because I’ve been too tired to really care. I can say that my drinking has subsided (though I miss the ache it causes sometimes).
What I want for now….
I want my friends to be happy in that happy kind of way.
I want peace of mind (though I’m not sure from what)
I want to say “I love you” and mean it in THAT kind of way
I want to try to write a book (though I don’t have a clue where to begin)
I want my sister to make it through this last year without too many emotional scars
I want my brother to not have high blood pressure at 23
I want my other brother to quit “playing” the role and to just be
I want to travel
I want patience so that I can continue to go to these classes so that I can someday get my license back
I want to learn to love chickens cause if I don’t I’m going to continue to be mean to my roommate about it
I want to change my wardrobe and not be afraid to look more girly
I want to accept that I will never be skinny but that I can take care of myself so that I won’t continue to look like a blimp
What I need is some strong arms to hold me for a little while……I’m tired of taking care. I need to be taken care of.
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| If some girl grabs my ass again.... |
| 09.20.04 (11:09 am) [edit] |
Friday Night
So I am fully aware of the hazards of being a bar back now. While being complimented is flattering to a certain extent, drunk people just go that extra mile. Like pretending to drink a drink that is obviously empty so that when I ask for the glass they can say no and I have to come back again (they think whispering in a club works) I don’t think they realized they weren’t whispering at all. Or when you go outside for some air because it gets hot and fresh air is better than no air at all the girl outside decides to grab you and tell you that you are “hot” and asks how come you never “hollered at” her. For one you aren’t my type and for two you hang out with your mom at the local gay bar. While there is nothing wrong with that I have already met the parents. Her mom likes to tell me that her daughter is smitten by me and all I can do is smile. Later on during the night she pinches my butt and grabs me again.
“Whenever you are ready for me just say the word. Even if I have a girlfriend I’d drop her for you,” she tells me.
“I think you might be a little too much for me but thank you,” I say and try to pull away without insulting her.
“Maybe that would be a good thing,” she says and tries to kiss my ear.
At this point the doorman is laughing his ass off and shaking his head and I’ve had enough. I nudge her with my elbow and tell her I have to get back to work. The whole night I avoided her and her mom. I left their glasses at their table and got what I needed from elsewhere. We call her the “nibbler” now. They gave me a hard time all night after that and I just rolled my eyes.
Saturday Night
There were a group of rowdy ladies that had been drinking vodka and Redbull all night. (The fixation with this drink still surprises me). They had been dancing most of the night but had decided to play pool towards the end as they grabbed each other for the fun of it. They tried to distract the other by placing uhm areas near the pockets of the pool table. I laughed for a little while and shook my head as the bouncer walked by and said “Oh you get the whole show over here huh? I’ll wash dishes for a little while.” I tell him that I can manage and leave to grab some more glasses. One of the drunk ones grabs me and pulls me so close that I had to pull my head back to prevent an accidental kiss. At first I thought she had mistaken me for one of the other girls but it was evident that she had not when she spoke.
“I’ve never seen you here before. Where did they find you?” she asks smiling.
She had layered burgundy hair and full lips. She looked older up close than I had originally thought and I noticed her pierced tongue when she smiled.
“I kind of found them,” I said as pulled away from her.
She held on to my hand and I gave a squeeze as I walked away. My intention was not to get to know her but to get away from her the fact that they were playing pool by my station did not make this an easy task. I had my hands full when I came back and she moved into my path as I walked by.
“I have to get by,” I tell her half smiling. I knew what she was doing.
“I know but I wanted to look at you, “ she said. Her words were getting slurry.
I moved around her anyway and she pressed into me “Sorry,” she says slyly.
I thought being behind the bar was a safe place. I think the room must have been leaning towards their left cause two of them wound up next to me.
“You know I’m a bartender,” she tells me.
“Oh yeah?” I ask trying to keep her at an arms distance.
The bouncer was watching from across the room. He had a grin on his face and I shook my head at him. I thought that he was going to come help me but he didn’t. He leaned against the wall instead. Fucker I thought. She leaned in close and started to whisper into my ear. I could feel her hand on the small of my back.
“I make a really good drink. It’s called punani,” she said casually.
I felt myself smile a little. How original She asked me if I wanted to know why she called it that. I fed into her line. It was easy and she was attractive.
I turn to her, “Why?”
She smiled when she saw that I was paying attention, “Cause it tastes good.”
I laughed. I couldn’t help it. I take grab her by the waist and push her back a little.
“You have to stay out from behind the bar,” I tell her.
“I’m sorry. I promise to behave, “she says laughing.
I left her to her business and thankfully her friends came to grab her so they could go dance but not before she gave my ass a squeeze. I jumped slightly and she seemed to enjoy that a little.
I can’t say that I don’t enjoy the attention. It makes for good stories.
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| Vacation time |
| 09.17.04 (2:44 pm) [edit] |
I did something for myself today. I bought a plane ticket before I could change my mind. I’m going to take a well deserved vacation. I was talking about needing a break for some time and I’m always worried about money or not having enough vacation days. I’ve been blessed enough to know that because of that second job I can now put money aside for things like this. I also know that I have been busting my ass for this little company for well over a year and a half with no real break in between. (Calling in sick because of a hang over does not count). Considering I haven’t done that in a long time and I also spent the summer toiling under the hot sun instead of frolicking in the summer days like most people do....I’m going to see Fudgeface in North Carolina.
I will be hanging out of her truck window taking in the Savannah sun or rain at the end of Oct. It won’t matter to me which one is out as long as I am not here. It was a spontaneous decision. It was brought up and at the end of the hour I had researched and reserved a ticket. Just like that.
I had a shitty morning and was cussed out by some skinny crack head on the bus for stepping on her shoe and not saying excuse me.
“Well maybe if you’d shut your fucken mouth for a second I could you little wench!” I should have yelled.
I did not. I am not a fighter. Fuck her. I’ll never see her again anyway. I’m over the bus. The bike and I are going to be reacquainted. Rain or shine.
Have I mentioned that I’m going to go see Fudgeface?
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| Oh What A Day... |
| 09.15.04 (2:24 pm) [edit] |
For some reason or another I have decided to be rather productive in my office these last couple of days. Having small meetings, organizing, drinking lots of water (yes that’s random). I’ve been taking lunch breaks instead of sitting here through lunch.
I’ve been doing a lot of thinking. I’ve been the family counselor for the last four days and I’m at my wits end with trying to explain everyone to everyone else. I wonder if they talk about me when they call each other. I wonder what they say and if they know me the way I know them. There will be no details here.
My roommate has brought home chickens and while I appreciate his need for wanting a pet I can’t share in the enthusiasm. They aren’t staying though and he’s keeping them him in his room until they build the cage to keep them somewhere else. (I know I’m being a bitch about it but I don’t like animals and we agreed before we moved in that there would be no pets even chickens).
I have to go to the dentist and eventually to the doctor’s if my sleeping patterns don’t get better. I don’t want to be moody and tired. I want to be alone so much more than before. I just want quiet and peace.
I don’t have anything stupendous to write about. Except that VaNative will be here next week and I can’t wait. He always puts things into perspective. We’ve always been good at just talking and going for late lunches. We can go to a club and dance the night away. He’ll always introduce me to some random girl and I’ll always run away and pretend to need a drink. He has this comfort zone for me and I’m sure me for him. He’s been here at three times since I’ve been out of the military. I am in need of his funny carefree ways.
Come save me my knight in glittery armor!
Tonight is my first night of training for bartender. Let’s hope something exciting happens cause I’m running out of things to say. It may be my mood so if I disappear for a little no one panic I’ll be back I’m sure!
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| What Can I get you? |
| 09.13.04 (10:28 am) [edit] |
So after working two months at my local bar as a bar back (that’s right I was running around making sure there was ice, glasses, napkins, straws, and garnishes for all you alcoholics) I have been asked to be a bartender.
“Are you sure you want me to do that?” I asked.
“Well I’m going to give you a shot,” he said.
“I don’t want to step on anyone’s toes,” I said. There have been people working there for a while now. The last thing I need is work drama.
“Some of us think you’d be good behind the bar but if you don’t want too…”
“No….I’ll do it. I just wanted to make sure you were sure,” I said quickly.
“Good come in Wednesday and I’ll show you how to work the register,” he said.
I walked out of the office and wanted to do a dance in the liquor room but the other bar back was in there and I didn’t want to say anything. So I just smiled and walked out elated at the opportunity. They have also given me more days to work. I don’t want to wear myself out but if that’s what I want to do then I have to take any opportunity that comes my way.
I’m nervous, excited, scared, but happy. If I am not mistaken he wants to train me to start the day shift on the weekends. So I’ll be working seven days a week again but I’ll have my nights. He says it’s good money when it’s good but I happen to know that it’s not always busy during the day. That just gives me more time to work on my skills. I told my roommate and he was happy for me too. I said that I was going to start bringing bottles home so I could practice doing that “Cocktail” stuff. I’m going to work the bar old folks or not.
He also wants to get me a new wardrobe. It’s not that serious. Now when I open my own bar then we can talk about my wardrobe. As far as I’m concerned there isn’t enough eye candy in the little bar to even worry about what I look like.
One day at a time roommate! One day at a time!
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| Suit Case Bitch |
| 09.10.04 (10:07 am) [edit] |
She’s standing there in her corporate suit. Her make-up is done. Her hair is in place. Though she doesn’t need them her heels are on. There is that slight smirk when she’s feeling mischievous across her face. She’s got her purse and her phone. The corporate world is in for some shaking this year.
That’s right you heard it here first. This kitten is giving up her office job to become Stormy’s suit case bitch. So she’s got a good job now. She’s her own boss. She’s a professional. She’s working for a firm in West Virginia that is based out of France (the land for lover’s). There is something romantic about the idea. She’s taking French classes so that she can speak it when she gets to travel.
“We’ll see how it goes,” she said.
“Look at you,” I tell her. “You’re a corporate girl.”
“Yeah about time huh?” she answered.
“Well I’m happy for you,” I said.
Stormy and I haven’t talked for months. She is living her life and I am trying to get through mine. We were roommates of sort’s way back in our hay day. There are some good memories along with the fuzzie memories. There were lots of late nights and early bar mornings. We hated each other but hid the love behind yelling and bitching. She brought out the worst in me at times and I pressed all her buttons and not the good one’s either (but we won’t go there).
For whatever reason we hung onto each other for a few years. In and out of fights. When I think of her I can’t help but get sad. I knew her soft side. The one that came out late at night when no one else was around. In my eyes she’ll always just be THAT girl. Let me not get off track.
“Well now that you are making some money you can be my sugar mama,” I said.
She just laughs and I continue, “In return I can be your suit case bitch when you travel.”
“Hmmm,” she says.
Well it wasn’t a no and by the end she agreed. Why in the world would I want to sit here all day when I can carry her suitcases all around France? I can get some foreign loving while she is in meetings and turning heads up and down the cobble stone blocks. I’ve never been a suit case bitch before and because I know her well I know there will be lots of them.
One for her shoes
One for her work clothes
One for her going out clothes
And three carry on’s full of make-up and accessories
A suit case bitch is not required to be there emotionally for her client all I have to do is carry the bags. We’ll sleep in different rooms though I know she’ll sneak in to cuddle in the middle of the night. She doesn’t like sleeping alone. So if I suddenly disappear it’s because she made me an offer I couldn’t refuse.
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| Jenna Jameson |
| 09.09.04 (10:54 am) [edit] |
So I finished her book. Yes I bought it but for half price on Amazon.com. I wanted to read it all last week but it was hectic. So I am finally done. I am in love with a porn queen that calls her vagina a “ding-ding”.
Ok I’m not really in love with her but as I’ve stated before I truly was intrigued after I watch that first porn with Charlie. I haven’t watched any since then though I have seen her on TV here and there. I haven’t built up the nerve to get a membership at Good Vibes so I can rent any porn. It’s not like renting a movie people.
Anyway if you haven’t read it I want to recommend it. One because it tells you how you can get into the porn business if you are serious. Two because the woman (regardless of what she has been through) was and is smart. Yes she does porn. Yes its not the best career choice but right now she is sitting on millions. She clawed her way out of a shitty life. She created her own chaos. She fell in love with women and needed men in order to complete her. When she couldn’t have what she wanted she would run away on stripping tours and dance loaded.
She would go through moments of clarity and then submerge back into her darkness. She needed to feel loved but couldn’t let anyone have her soul. She hates cuddling after having sex with men and I quote: “Ew I woke up and he had his arms around me.” She snuck off without even saying goodbye. She was stalked by a big lesbian who threatened to kill her “If she couldn’t have her know one would.”
She had celebrities feel like they could say anything because she was “in the business” and people are cruel. She’s been called a whore and fat and regrets having her boobs done. (She is going to get them removed this year). She is no longer doing films because she wants to have a family. She has finally given her heart and soul to someone who she believes will love her for the rest of her life.
There is so much to her and I could write forever but I’m not. I enjoyed the read and not because I am a pervert who wanted to know dirty details but because I have respect for her. I’m glad she’s finally happy. Will it last who knows? I hope it does. I knew there was something about her that intrigued me and maybe it was her “heart breaker” tattoo on her ass that did me in. Or the amazing sex scene that I was watching but regardless she had something in her eyes and it wasn’t jizz! Sometimes you can tell things about people. I’m glad there was more to her than I originally thought.
I have a thing for sexy dorks. What can I say?
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| My Love Life |
| 09.08.04 (1:14 pm) [edit] |
It consists of married girls and non-existent men. Meaning that I don’t have one.
I am obsessing about it right now obviously and while I’m sure everyone has their opinions and advice it’s not really necessary.
I’ve always had issues with intimacy and dating and my own sexuality. It just accumulated and now I don’t know how to deal with it. I mean I know the answer is and always will be “just go for it” and I’ve heard it all let me tell you.
A certain someone even tried to tell me how to seduce while watching movies but as she was telling me the technique I had un-christian thoughts about her instead and so that didn’t work.
My own dilemma lies in my own self-confidence and while I know how personable I can be with people (cause people in general fascinate me) I lose it after that initial meeting. Even then it’s so random that I meet people that generally spark any kind of interest in me.
I’m so simple and “vanilla” for lack of a better word. I’m sitting here thinking about these last couple of years and I just don’t understand it. I was going out for a long time and nothing was catching. I find myself wanting to go back to the past when I had it cause at one point I know I did.
I think it’s because I’m no longer surrounded by a lot of people. I don’t meet people outside of the club or bar. I’m not meeting people’s husbands or wives or neighbors. I’m not engaging in group activities. I don’t want to drown myself in the “gay “community because I’m not about that. What I do in my bed will never define who I am. Maybe that in it-self is my problem.
I am drawn to beautiful people. There is another place where I constantly go wrong. Maybe it’s the chase. Who the fuck knows anymore cause even now I don’t chase anything.
I have numbers that I never call. I have numbers that I’ve erased or thrown away when I get them. I won’t step up to the plate. I’m so fucken picky and some how I don’t think that’s a bad thing. It just makes for very lonely times and you know not even emotionally cause I have been blessed with really good friends who one way or another balance me.
For the record this is in no way a complaint. It’s just something to write about. Something for me to get out and think about. Is it that important to me? No, not all the time. I can’t see myself being tied down to anyone and right now there isn’t anyone I want to the point where I feel I need to throw myself out there to the wolves. Fuck the wolves.
I guess maybe if I were more open to random sex I would be more of a slut but I’ll keep my virginal status in return for some good porn. I think I’ll just turn into a porn junkie and give reports every week. Any recommendations?
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| A List |
| 09.07.04 (2:14 pm) [edit] |
INSTRUCTIONS: Copy this whole list into your journal. Bold the things that are true about you. Whatever you don’t bold is false.
1. I miss somebody right now. 2. I don’t watch much TV these days. 3. I love olives. 4.I love sleeping. 5. I own lots of books. 6. I wear glasses or contact lenses. 7. I love to play video games. 8. I’ve tried marijuana. 9. I’ve watched porn movies. 10. I have been in a threesome. 11. I have been the psycho-ex in a past relationship. 12. I believe honesty is usually the best policy. 13. I have acne free skin. 14. I like and respect Al Sharpton. 15. I curse frequently. 16. I have changed a lot mentally over the last year. 17. I have a hobby. 18. I’ve been told I: (women) have an applebottom, (men) am packing. 19. I carry my knife/razor everywhere with me. 20. I’m really, really smart. 21. I’ve never broken someone’s bone. 22. I have a secret that I am ashamed to reveal. 23. I hate the rain. 24. I’m paranoid at times. 25. I would get plastic surgery if it were 100% safe, free of cost, and scar-free. 26. I need money right now! 27. I love Sushi. 28. I talk really, really fast. 29. I have fresh breath in the morning. 30. I have semi-long hair. 31. I have lost money in Las Vegas. 32. I have at least one brother and/or one sister 33. I was born in a country outside of the U.S. 34. I shave my legs (females) or face (males) on a regular basis. 35. I have a twin. 36. I have worn fake hair/fingernails/eyelashe s in the past. 37. I couldn’t survive without Caller I.D. 38.I like the way that I look sometimes. 39. I have lied to a good friend in the last 6 months. 40. I know how to cornrow. 41. I am usually pessimistic. 42. I have a lot of mood swings. 43. I think prostitution should be legalized. 44. I think Britney Spears is hot. 45. I have cheated on a significant other in the past. 46. I have a hidden talent. 47. I’m always hyper no matter how much sugar I have. 48. I think that I’m popular. 49. I am currently single. 50. I have kissed someone of the same sex. 51. I enjoy talking on the phone. 52. I practically live in sweatpants or PJ pants. 53. I love to shop. 54. I would rather shop than eat. 55. I would classify myself as ghetto. 56. I’m bourgie and have worn a sweater tied around my shoulders. 57. I’m obsessed with my Xanga or Livejournal. 58. I don’t hate anyone. I dislike them. 59. I’m a pretty good dancer. 60. I don’t think Mike Tyson raped Desiree Washington. 61. I’m completely embarrassed to be seen with my mother. 62. I have a cell phone. 63. I believe in God. 64. I watch MTV on a daily basis. 65. I have passed out drunk in the past 6 months. 66. I love drama. 68. I’ve rejected someone before. 69. I currently have a crush on someone. 70. I have no idea what I want to do for the rest of my life. 71. I want to have children in the future. 72. I have changed a diaper before. 73. I’ve called the cops on a friend before. 74. I bite my nails. 75. I am a member of the Tom Green fan club. 76. I’m not allergic to anything. 77. I have a lot to learn. 78. I have dated someone at least 10 years older or younger. 79. I plan on seeing Ice Cube’s newest "Friday" movie. 80. I am very shy around the opposite sex sometimes. 81. I’m online 24/7, even as an away message. 82. I have at least 5 away messages saved. 83. I have tried alcohol or drugs before. 84. I have made a move on a friend’s significant other in the past. 85. I own the "South Park" movie. 86. I have avoided assignments at work to be on Xanga or Livejournal. 87. When I was a kid I played "the birds and the bees" with a neighbor or chum. 88. I enjoy some country music. 89. I would die for my best friend. 90. I think that Pizza Hut has the best pizza. 91. I watch soap operas whenever I can. 92. I’m obsessive, anal retentive, and often a perfectionist. 93. I have used my sexuality to advance my career. 94. I love Michael Jackson, scandals and all. 95. I know all the words to Slick Rick’s "Children’s Story". 96. Halloween is awesome because you get free candy. 97. I watch Spongebob Squarepants and I like it. 98. I have dated (or slept with) a close friend’s ex. 99. I have cut my self before. 100. I am happy at this moment.
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| If I dont.... |
| 09.07.04 (11:35 am) [edit] |
If I dont get laid real soon I am going to hire a high class girl or guy at this point.
And I know half the world is waiting around to get laid too.
So I am just sayin.
It must be me at this point. I refuse to believe that no one wants to sleep with me.
I have realized that I am not unattractive....just unattaibable and stubborn. I want what I want and I want it when I want it.
Sounds loopy and indecisive and complex yet so simple to solve.
But here I am and anyone that is a woman knows that after your cycle that the sight of anything sexual causes really, really strong urges to hump anything that walks by you.
I hate my life.
thank you
and no masturbating is not the answer. i need human contact!
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| Cuba |
| 09.04.04 (1:20 am) [edit] |
“What are you doing?” I asked.
I was happy to hear her giggly voice. It’s rare when we get to talk and when we do it’s always random and fun. We talk shit. We remind each other of better times maybe.
“Oh nothing just sitting here waiting for the hurricane to role through,” she answers. (insert Cuban accent)
I laughed for a while. Who says that? Then I am reminded that this is the girl who loves fairies and butterflies. Who would rather walk bare foot on the grass than wear shoes or sandals.
“You are so stoopid,” I tell her.
“Well I am for reals,” she says.
So we had this conversation most of the morning. I can’t help but laugh when I think of the hurricane now. I know it’s not a laughing matter of course. The problem is that I can imagine her sitting outside in a lawn chair watching the sky. She says there isn’t a cloud in the sky and no one has to work or go to school. I miss her moodiness and silly comments.
“Hey you should take pictures of your house and send them to me,” I tell her.
“What, right now?” she says with a serious tone.
“Uhm why don’t we think about this for a minute ****,” I say laughing.
She laughs again, ‘O.k. make me feel stupid.”
I had to go. I am at work after all.
“Hey don’t do what you did last time,” I tell her before hanging up.
“What?” she asks.
“Don’t tell me to call you and then not pick up the phone and call me back five days later,” I tell her.
“But I was talking to someone!” she says.
I’m thinking five days is a long conversation, “If you do I’m going to punch you in the head.”
“Oh yeah I like it rough,” she says giggling.
“Yeah I know you do,” I didn’t finish my sentence. She cut me off.
“Shhhh…shut-up,” she says giggling and then hangs up the phone.
Hello??? How come you never let me finish my story? I know you want to hear it. Some day my little Cuban you and I will dance the night away. I know it. It’s written in the stars and that’s why you run……
Piel Morena--
Es la magia de tu cuerpo
o el perfume de tu aliento
es el fuego de tu hoguera
que me tiene prisionera
El veneno dulce de tu encanto
es la llama que me va quemando
es la miel de tu ternura
la razón de mi locura
no soy nada
sin la luz de tu mirada
sin el eco de tu risa
que se cuela en mi ventana
Eres dueño del calor
sobre mi almohada
de mis noches de nostalgia
de mis sueños y esperanzas
Eres piel morena
canto de pasion y arena
eres piel morena
noche bajo las estrellas
eres piel morena
playa, sol y palmeras
eres piel morena
sueño de mi primavera
Son tus besos
dulce fruta que me embriaga
que se lleva mis tristezas
y devuelve al fin la calma
Prisionera de tu amor en la alborada
de tus besos, tus caricias
que se quedan en el alma
Piel morena eres cumbia, sol y arena
piel morena, mi delirio y mi condena
Es la magia de tu cuerpo
o el perfume de tu aliento
es el fuego de tu hoguera
que me tiene prisionera, ay caramba
Piel morena eres cumbia, sol y arena
piel morena, mi delirio y mi condena
Eres suave como el viento
eres dulce pensamiento
eres sol de mis trigales
eres miel de mis cañales
Son tus besos
dulce fruta que me embriaga
que se lleva mis tristezas
y devuelve al fin la calma
Prisionera de tu amor en la alborada
de tus besos, tus caricias
que se quedan en el alma
Eres piel morena
canto de pasion y arena
eres piel morena
noche bajo las estrellas
eres piel morena
playa, sol y palmeras
eres piel morena
sueño de mi primavera
eres piel morena
porque sólo a tu lado soy feliz
eres piel morena
tengo tantas cosas para ti
eres piel morena
voy fundiéndome en tu hoguera lentamente
eres piel morena
tú me tienes prisionera
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| Leave me alone...o.k maybe not. |
| 09.01.04 (11:11 am) [edit] |
All ten of us sat at the restaurant yesterday. After the funeral we all decided that lunch didn’t sound too bad. I don’t want to really write about what was going on in my head during the wake and the actual burial of someone who meant so much to me. I think that some thoughts should be held on too. I prayed last night for the first time in a very long time. I prayed for strength to over come the sadness that is overwhelming me. There are too many “what if’s” for me. There is anger for always waiting for tomorrow. There was so much left unsaid. Though I know that I have to take what I have learned from her death and apply it to my life now. There shouldn’t be any excuses for always putting things off.
Anyway we were all sitting there. Most of them are married now. I watched my sister sit at the end of the table and realized how involved she was with our friends even if there is a ten year difference. I was glad that she was with me yesterday. My brothers were there as well. One had a cabbage patch kid hand from hitting a fence two nights ago during an alcohol binge. He took it pretty hard. He smelled like liquor yesterday as well and I watched him for signs. I don’t want him to follow my path. The other one seemed so different to me. I wasn’t sure why he was there. I didn’t feel like he felt anything at all. He has always been so shut off. He does things because he feels he has too. Of course I only know this because he’s my brother and though I don’t doubt that he means well it’s there on the surface for anyone to see.
Some things don’t change with time. Some things always remain there; ready to surface when the past meets the present. I was grateful that my roommate was sitting next to me. I don’t know if I could have sat there without him. In fact I know I would have made a run to the bar instead. I didn’t want to be around them but I’m glad that I did go towards the end. During the lunch I thought about how I wished that she had been there to see it. I told my sister that maybe it was her last gift to us. A chance to say hello and goodbye again. It was a chance to reflect and to remember. I am broken up. I am sad and reflective and I don’t have the patience for the small inane things that people worry about.
I’m hoping that with a little more time this will pass. In fact I know it will. For now I have to be more aware of myself and my attitude. I feel like I should explain it to certain people because all morning people keep asking me if I am all right. The answer is no but I will be. I don’t want too though so I won’t.
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