Blog For Free!
Archives
Home
2005 September
2005 August
2005 July
2005 June
2005 May
2005 April
2005 March
2005 February
2004 December
2004 November
2004 October
2004 September
2004 August
2004 July
2004 June
2004 May
2004 April
2004 March
2004 February
2004 January
2003 December
2003 November
2003 October
2003 September
2003 August
2003 July
My Links
Ambient Strippers
Eating Anais
Nameless
Cruzando Photography
A New York Escorts Confessions
Girls in the Bag
You know how you do
Kemoo's
Vanative's Blog
Trick$ter
Calihockeychick's Blog
Christian Dumais
Iryse's Blog
The Superficial
100 Words or less
tBlog
My Profile
Send tMail
My tFriends
My Images
Sponsored
Blog
Blogarama
|
| Good Morning Heartache |
| 05.25.05 (10:36 am) [edit] |
Good morning heartache
You old gloomy sight
Good morning heartache
Thought we said goodbye last night
The lights dimmed in the crowded room the anticipation was thick enough to slice. I wondered what kind of fans were really in there and if they would really, really feel what was about to happen. We were approximately twenty rows back. I could not believe how close we were. The old theatre filled slowly as the opening band got the crowd started. I looked up to see that there were gold engravings of Orion and the constellations on the walls. I KNEW what was about to happen. The piano keys struck and I felt my skin crawl. Miss Alicia Keys walked out onto the stage in a red pantsuit with diamonds, her hair was up in a bun with a red flower. She sang her first note and it was on ladies and gentlemen. The crowd was on their feet and waving their hands to the solid beat of her jazz band. A tribute if you will to the old days of Billie Holiday and Cab Calloway.
I turned and tossed until it seems you have gone
But here you are with the dawn
Wish I forget you, but you’re here to stay
It seems I met you
When my love had gone away
Now everyday I stop, I’m saying to you
Good morning heartache what’s new
I could smell Her perfume as I leaned over and asked her how she was feeling about what was going on. I didn’t take my eyes off Miss Keys. I didn’t want to miss anything.
“I can’t believe we are this close. Thank you,” she said.
I turned my head then. I needed to see the look in her eyes. She smiled and squeezed my hand gently. For a second I was lost in her touch but it didn’t last long enough our hands separated before either one of us could think about it. I turned my attention back to the stage. I sang, I clapped, I sang, I stood up at moments when the notes were just too much to take. I didn’t care if the people behind me couldn’t see. When she sings there is this thing about her voice. There is this thing about her talent. There is this thing about her smile and her body. There is just this thing. Earlier standing outside drinking some wine she was asking me who I thought Alicia Keys would date in the crowd.
“Well since she hasn’t publicly dated anyone Cruz and I have come to the conclusion that she’s gay,” I said.
“You two are crazy,” she says laughing. “No come on pick someone.”
“Well since she called me last night to tell me to have a good time I’m going to pick me damn it,” I said staring out into the crowd.
“You know what the funny thing is? If she knew you I think she’d pick you too,” she said and laughed more to herself than to me. She wouldn’t meet my eyes.
Stop haunting me now
Can't shake you now
Just leave me alone
I've got those Monday blues
Straight to Sunday blues
She started off with all her fast jazzy songs and ended with all the slow love songs. When she did her one and only costume change she came back out in a white satin dress, wrapped in a white boa, wearing elbow high white satin gloves and a white flower in her hair. She shushed the crowd. The single moment in the whole concert when I felt I stopped breathing was when she did the cover of Billie Holiday’s “Good morning heartache”. She took the microphone and held it close. Her voice was soft and raspy. Her body swayed in the single floodlight that illuminated her.
Good morning heartache
Here we go again
Good morning heartache
You're the one
Who knows me well
Might as well get use to you hanging around
I cannot begin to explain the experience of seeing her up close and live like that but I can say that in THAT single moment of THAT single song I wanted it to last forever. I slept on the couch for fear of doing something that was out of character. She slept in my bed wrapped up in my blankets her smell still lingered on my pillow after she left. I woke up at five in the morning and slipped in beside her. She grabbed my arm and pulled me into her intertwining her fingers with mine.
Good morning heartache
Sit down
|
|
|
| |
| Wanted |
| 05.24.05 (9:40 am) [edit] |
I wish I had written this.
I got it from here http://www.obliquity.blogspot...
Saturday, May 21, 2005
WANTED
Why is that we always want someone we can't have? As a man of fair intelligence, I find it astonishing and silly that I would pine over someone who is unattainable. Be it circumstance, distance or other complication, sometimes the person we most want to possess is just beyond our grasp. Now, one who is sensible might see the folly in this situation and right his ship.
Sometimes, I want to jump ship. Other times, I want to commandeer the ship with brute wit and strength. There in lies the double-edged sword. If I jump from the ship it would be akin to being tied to the ship's anchor. Strong wraps of rope holding me hostage to a plummet of dark waters. If I commandeer the ship, where to navigate? Where do you go when you're lost? The alternative is stay aboard an unwitting passenger. Watching over the bough. Looking for glimpses of a far-off land and the one we covet.
I have a theory that wanting and pining--as much as they could ever hurt--also bring us some kind of perverse pleasure. Pining signifies that a desire still burns inside of us. Wanting grates against the soul creating sparks to light embers that warm us inside. Embers that hopefully we will consume to feed our fire. To drive that passion to seek out not what we can't have, but find the one that is waiting for us. It is the waiting that's the trick. The trick that brings pain with the promise of pleasure.
Maybe we can't always have the one we want. But, we can all want to have.
|
|
|
| |
| Oh you Smell Cheap |
| 05.23.05 (10:14 am) [edit] |
So I have come to the conclusion that I have to wear a cheap male cologne to attract the good looking girls. I was observing the couples at my place of work yesterday. I realized that all the ones with hot girls had dreads and wore pants around their ankles. I’m not sure what that’s about but hey if you can’t beat them join them. I wear girlie perfume I like the soft musky smells. I love Victoria Secret’s scents. Not the real fruity ones but the nice soft melt your senses kind.
“What are you wearing?” I was asked a few weeks ago by a regular at the bar.
“Victoria’s Secrets,” I answered with a smile.
“You smell like a stripper,” she said back.
I remember just standing there and thinking about what she told me. I remember telling my roommate the day after and he laughed. I know what strippers smell like and maybe she’s right. So, last night it came up again because I was telling Cruz about what I had noticed.
“Maybe you should stop smelling like a stripper,” he said.
“Well maybe they think it’s my girlfriends smell on me cause I’m not supposed to smell like this and that’s why they stay away from me,” I said. I am brilliant I know.
“Hmmm maybe you should start wearing really cheap men’s cologne,” he said back.
“Stetson!” I say.
“You know that would really be some funny shit if you wore it and all of a sudden all the girls were all over you,” he said laughing.
I was sitting on his floor taking off my shoes, “Yeah that would be some shit.”
This morning as I was thinking back about the conversation the Kitten walked in looking and smelling mighty lovely. I thought of the Stetson and started to laugh. She asked what was so funny and I simply said nothing about my inside joke.
I think I’m slowly starting to go insane because the scientist in me wants to test this little idea out but then I think of the smell and want to puke. What if I can’t get the smell off?? Or worse what if the idea works and I have to smell like a cheap man to get the girls to notice me.
|
|
|
| |
| I dreamt of you Old Friend |
| 05.20.05 (11:04 am) [edit] |
It’s noon and I just remembered that I had a dream about Aida.
I dreamt that we were at the grocery store. I was with strangers planning a BBQ for the weekend and we were walking around. I saw her walking down the aisle. Her smile and the dimple on her right cheek. Her curly hair was in a loose pony tail and she had her favorite sweater tied around her waste. I tried to hide behind a display so I could call Cruz but she saw me and walked over to me to say hello. I wanted to tell her that I missed her but she walked away before I could say anything.
I called Cruz to tell him that I saw. That she was there in the grocery store.
“***** it’s not her. It can’t be,” he said.
“Cruz it’s her. She’s here!” I yelled at him.
“She’s dead *****,” he said distantly into the phone.
“No, I’m telling you I see her. She’s right here!” I yelled.
I started to cry in the dream. It was a mixture of excitement and sadness. I was trying to convince him to come to the store but he wouldn’t. I woke up in tears just as he walked through the door from his night out. I heard him heat something in the microwave. I wanted to tell him about the dream then but I was so sad. I didn’t want to get out of bed.
I remembered it just now because I was thinking about how we needed to go grocery shopping. I remember wanting to hug her and touch her and tell her how much she is missed.
|
|
|
| |
| Vanity Fair |
| 05.19.05 (9:08 pm) [edit] |
In case any of you are interested. After I finished showering, shaving and plucking it took me an hour to finish my puzzle. I found a bottle of wine. I am down to my last glass. It's almost 10pm. I have also read the most amazing article in Vanity Fair on which Angelina Jolie is the cover story.
I will not go into the fascination of her or how much she has changed the "idea" of a movie star if you pay attention.
I will say that after following her articles for over 8 years I will always remain impressed with her. I think of the many people that in the last years have all of a sudden known of her because of her beauty and her movie roles. She is known more for her roles as Laura Croft than she is for the third world countries that she is trying to help.
It's hard not to put her on this pedestal since I have had a personal infautation with her since I was 18 (I started to question my own sexuality from when I saw her in Hackers). My own roommate has reminded me that I am more in love with the "idea" of her because I don't KNOW her but regardless I think that the status that she has has also made a lot of younger kids aware of the world.
In reading the article (which was the point of this blog) she seems just as real as most of the people I know. Not a Lindsay or a Britney. I could spew off a few of the amazing women I know but it's not important. What is important is that she is not afraid to share her own choices to be open about who she is about the struggles and the changes and the insecurities and the imperfections that even "she" faces.
I think the thing I "love" the most about her is that she has never pretended to be more than she really is.
I also think this is the silliest post I have ever written but I'm not going to erase it.
|
|
|
| |
| The Jigsaw Puzzle |
| 05.19.05 (2:29 pm) [edit] |
I went home yesterday in a little bit of a mood. In fact its been this way for about a week. I want to say that it’s because I have separated myself from my family for the time being. I needed to breathe. I feel a little lightheaded and a little more relaxed. I haven’t drank liquor since Monday night and today is Thursday. (oh man can I use a Liquid-Lush)
Last night I went home and needed something to occupy my time. I did not want to sit on the computer. I did not want to sit in front of the television. I did not want to put clothes away. I did not want to read a book. I did not want to read the magazines (the ones with Angelina Jolie and Alicia Keys on the covers). So you know I was restless. I paced the kitchen for half an hour with my hands behind my back taking long strides in and out of my room, down the long hall, into the living room and back into the kitchen. I was talking shit of course and at times Cruzando would try to pinch my nipples as Jose sat in front of the computer spewing suggestions as to what I should do for the evening.
Cruzando was going to the gym. He’s becoming quite the stud.
J was going to the Star Wars premiere which I am absolutely not in to.
So someone suggested I go poke myself which just turned into laughter and more shit talking. On the last turn into the kitchen I lean back against the counter and look up into the cabinets. There at the very top was a jigsaw puzzle that J and I had bought months back. We were at Toys R Us buying a gift for a friends daughter and had purchased them thinking we’d put them together sometime. It never happened until last night. I cannot explain the excitement that swelled up in my little heart. I was truly excited with the idea that I could completely engross myself in putting the pieces together. I remember as a child I begged my dad to buy me the puzzles at the Longs Drugs across the street. My mom would buy me the ones from the second hand store and I would cry when the pieces wouldn’t always be there at the end. There was something that completed me when I could put them all together. I never wanted the ones with the big pieces. I wanted the ones with the little pieces. So last night I embarked on putting The Goddess together. It is a swirl of purples and pinks and ocean blues. I sat there with my headphones on listening to Anna Nalick, Annie Lennox and Rachael Yamagoto (I tried a little Elton John but he was talking about running around in Emporer’s clothes and I was over it soon after). They filled all my brain noise and I was satisfied with the place I was taken too. I spent hours with only a short break to take a shower putting all the little pieces in their place. I started at about 630pm and at 1130pm I called it quits because the puzzle pieces were no longer connecting in my brain. I am more than half way done and I am so ecstatic to leave work and continue on my little puzzle.
The results of me doing the puzzle??
-I forgot that these pants had a hole in the top pocket and I have to keep pulling my shirt down over it so no one can see my underwear.
-The kitten has tried to peak at least three times and I’ve caught her.
-I ate a sundae from McDonalds with nuts and don’t feel guilty about it.
-I’ve been singing out loud at my desk and I’m sure everyone thinks I am crazy.
I am looking forward to an empty house, a long bath, shaving my legs, putting lotion on after, plucking my eyebrows and sitting at my table with my little project. Damn it I wish we had some wine.
|
|
|
| |
| Let's Celebrate |
| 05.17.05 (9:35 am) [edit] |
We joined at the house at about 10:30pm last night. It was late but we were on Cruz’s work out time and “Her” time. So it wasn’t late really even if we were supposed to meet at 10pm and even if we were supposed to leave so that we wouldn’t be out that late. We were celebrating her new job. We decided to get local and went to a bar in Berkeley. I forget the name now but it’s the one with all the college kids and the pool tables in the front and in the back. When we got there it was an odd feeling. We aren’t used to being out of our “environment” if you will. I mean I as fine even if she was sitting on J’s lap. We messed with her telling her that J wasn’t really gay and that he’s more bisexual than he lets on so if she feels a little “pokey-pokey” to watch out. I forget our humor is not of the PG kind. I forget that we are harsh and forward and crude. I forget that she isn’t used to that but she laughed anyway.
As we were walking to the bar I watched her walk in her sweat-pant suit. The kind that hug just right if you are fit for it. I look at J who is also watching her walk. He looks at me and winks.
“It hurts,” I say and he starts laughing.
“It hurts everywhere,” I whisper. Damn L word I shouldn’t have watched it for the third time. That last sex scene was HOT. If you have on Demand and you have never watched it you should watch the last episode just for the sex scene but don’t watch it with your husbands cause one of two things can happened. He’ll wonder about your sexuality or he’ll ask for a threesome you do the math.
“What are you two giggling about?” she turns and gives me the “I know you” look.
“Nothing J is being retarded, “ I say giving J the “I want to die right now” look.
Who knew there were so many looks!?
We settle into the bar. Everyone is of course taking in the scene.
“Who wants a drink?” because I always cut to the chase.
“You know what I like,” she says giving me a smile. “Fill me up.”
Oh the thoughts that ran through my head in the thirty seconds it took to get to the bar.
We order five drinks of Kettle one Vodka. It was supposed to be at least 45.00. She charged us 30.00 and a wink. I tell Ismael that I chose her cause she had nice breasts and tattoos. He laughs and can’t believe that she didn’t charge us the whole round.
“What did you tell her?” she asks laughing as I am telling them what happened.
“Everything she wanted to hear,” I say and wink at her.
Cruzando was restless you could see it in his eyes. We talked about hitting on straight guys and how he becomes asexual in a straight bar. We laugh a lot and introduce her to a sexy kitten from back in the days.
“What’s with all you Cancers?” she asks as the other girl walks away.
I shrug cause I really don’t have an answer for her. She was sitting on my lap and I was trying to not let me hands wander. We decide that the scene is too mellow for our mood and we want to go dancing. It was midnight and instead of going home we went to the Castro for debauchery. Cruzando and I were the veterans of hip-hop night. When it was about hip-hop and dancing and not like it is now about the bling and the hook up. What the hell happened???
She is looking around amazed at the scene.
“Are you all right?” I ask her.
“Yeah I just can’t believe what I am seeing,” she says back.
“That makes two of us,” I tell her.
I tell her that I don’t like taking her to the gay places. That’s never what our relationship has been about in the first place but she was at ease. She was there to dance and get whatever energy she had out of her system. As we are standing there a girl with dreds and gold “teef” comes up and looks at me.
“Are you together?” she asks.
I look back at her and she has the “damn here we go” look. (I told you there were lots of looks).
“Yeah she’s with me,” I say back.
“You look a little too femme,” she says back.
“What?” I say taken back,
“You two are sexy do you need a daddy in your life?” she asks.
I really thought she was playing people, “No, we’re ok.”
The girl walked away and I tell Her what just happened. She thought it was hilarious. I was totally thrown off. We aren’t together but when you tell someone that you are aren’t you supposed to respect that and move on?
“Don’t worry about it. It doesn’t matter,” she says pulling me close.
We danced the rest of the last hour we had left. I watched her sleep this morning. I touched her face and then got up and took a shower. Some things in life are easily over looked. I miss her when she’s not there but I know when she is gone again that these moments that are happening now are mine to have.
I love that she adores my roommates. I love that regardless of the shit they talk they know what she means to me. I’m glad that we can still be friends and go to random places and be all right with each other.
As Pablo Neruda would say “I no longer love her, that’s true, but maybe I do love her.
Love is so short and forgetting is so long.”
|
|
|
| |
| La Bamba |
| 05.16.05 (5:05 pm) [edit] |
Remember that part in the movie when Ritchie and Bob get into a fight about how everything is about Ritchie and how Bob is his scrawny no good baby making Mexican brother who drinks too much?
You member fool?
You member?!
Remember when they are fighting and Bob in his drunken state of liquor and emotion yells, “What about me Ritchie???!! What about me???”
Remember when Ritchie seems a little confused and Bob is almost in tears and Ritchie doesn’t have an answer so he dramatically exits with out giving poor Bob an answer?
You member fool?
Come on you member.
I feel like Bob right now. Exhausted by everything. Feeling like nothing is going to be right. Wanting not to cry. Trying to be the tough guy. Drinking and ignoring that part inside that keeps telling you that you are better than all this. I wish I knew how to play the drums like Bob did in the movie.
I’d find a band to take me in and yell, “Fuck you Ritchie I didn’t need you anyway!”
|
|
|
| |
| The Paulina Rubio |
| 05.13.05 (3:48 pm) [edit] |
In the haste to put my feelings about all the BS that’s happening down I forgot that I actually did something fun this week, I went to the Paulina Rubio concert Monday night. (M) picked me up at my place about three in the afternoon. The concert was not until six so we quickly downed 5 beers (two for him, three for me). We jumped into his VW and hit the road. Luckily enough we avoided commuter traffic. We jammed to her songs on the way there singing at the top of our lungs. I have never heard (M) sing before so it was rather amusing. I on the other hand never shut-up, on key or not I’m going to sing.
We arrived in buzzed fashion. Neither one of us had bothered to eat dinner. What for? There was a problem however the venue had not yet opened its doors and we both had to go really bad. So we get into line and take in the crowd. There were so many gay boys there. M and I sat in line and truly tried to not laugh at the exaggerated flamboyance of some of them.
“Do you think they have a checklist before they leave?” I said grinning.
He looked a little lost. M I have to explain is a pretty gay boy. Not one hair out of place. Hair is always trimmed. His pants fit just right. Not too tight not too lose. His shirts fit his slim figure properly. Nothing exaggerated but you can still tell he’s gay.
“Huh?” he says.
“You know a list like : Really tight pants –check; the brightest shirt in the closet-check; glitter-check; purse and matching brand name glasses-check,” I say as one of them walk by.
“OMG. You are so funny,” he says trying not to look at my victim of choice.
What I didn’t notice was the cute lesbian couple behind us who started laughing as soon as they saw what I was talking about. The couple actually wound up hanging with us before the concert and after the concert. We bonded as we waited in line for AN HOUR jumping back and forth trying not to think about how bad we had to pee. Once the doors opened all four of us made a b-line for the bathroom. Once relieved and oh my goodness was it good to go we stood around waiting for the ticket lines to open. We made introductions and pondered whether or not we had to go back outside to get into the ticket line.
“Fuck that,” I say casually.
“You don’t think we have to?” one of them asked.
“Nope what we do is go to the souvenir table and make it look like we going to buy something. Once the lines open we just move with the crowd,” I said making my way over.
“You think that’ll work?” M asked.
The ticket takers opened the barriers that they had in place, “We’ll see huh?”
Sure enough we were inside before the lines got exaggerated. M and I were on the hunt for the bar/lounge area. Now that we had relieved ourselves and were safely inside it was bound to be on. Some of the crowd mingled around. It was an open meat market for everyone.
“Four Corona’s” I said.
“We knew we’d find you all in here,” came a raspy voice.
M laughed and pointed at the couple, “I’m going to get a table ask them sit with us.”
He walked over and grabbed one of the white couches with a silver glass table in the far corner of the lounge. I grabbed the beers and pointed to where we were sitting. They joined us shortly after. We talked and got to know each other more. Once the signal that the show was about to start we exchanged numbers to meet afterwards for a drink at a local gay bar in the area.
The concert itself was a blast. While I cannot say that she blew me away I did enjoy the show and I have to admit I underestimated her voice and talent. She’s actually really good. M and I danced and yelled and sang and yelled some more. After the show my phone rang and it was the couple asking where we were at. I asked M if he was all right to drive and we followed the couple into the city. BIG MISTAKE. One they thought they knew where they were going. Two the driver was insane. She ran red-lights and drove really, really fast.
I called 411 to see if we could at least get an address to where the place was:
“Can you tell me the address to Lido’s in down town San Jose please?” I ask.
The car turns hard and we run a red-light as M says, “OMG we’re gonna die.”
The operator laughs and apologizes but she can’t find a Lito’s, “No it’s Lido’s with a D.”
The car screeches to a halt and I fly forward and lose my phone.
“OMG she drives crazy,” M says.
I bring the phone to my ear, “Hello? Hello?”
“Are you ok?”she laughs again.
“Yeah sorry we’re a little lost right now,” I try to cover the mouth piece. “Will you not drive like that I’d like to make it in one piece!”
“I found the address,”she says finally.
I convey the information to M to which he answers, “Oh shit I know where that is!”
“Thank you,” I say quickly into the phone and hang up.
One sharp left, a parking lot on the right and a stroll down the block we walk into a seedy bar with tables. This can’t be right. There were asian people at the door taking the money and bouncers by another set of stairs. I call the couple and they tell us that it’s upstairs. We pay the cover and walk into a Miama looking bar with neon palm trees and drag queens going back and forth between the bar and the tables. The salsa music was pumping and the vibe was just what the doctor ordered. We danced the rest of the night away getting lost in the crowd and the people.
I woke up the next morning with a hangover but I felt light. I hummed her songs most of the day and was in bed and asleep by 830pm then next night.
I am going to the Alicia Keys concert on the 24 of this month. I CANNOT FUCKEN WAIT. I told you all I’d go see her again.
|
|
|
| |
| It's Time for School |
| 05.12.05 (1:41 pm) [edit] |
We went to bed late last night. We were supposed to write her resume for a job interview tomorrow. I cooked dinner and when they finally arrived it was all ready 830pm. Her daughter is almost taller than me at 10 years old that seems ridiculous but then again I’m just a short shit.
“I know you aren’t walking into my house and not saying hello to me,” I tell her.
She looks more like her mom now than she was younger.
“I don’t know you,” she says with a giggle.
I felt it deep down inside. I looked at her mom and she met my eyes then shot her daughter a look.
“I’m just kidding,” and she jumps on me to give me a hug.
It’s funny how kids make you feel. It’s funny how they warm you inside. It’s funny that despite time you know when you’ve affected someone. I put her to bed at 11pm after watching mindless television for a few hours after dinner. I tucked her in. She was telling me about school and how her mom won’t let her model.
“You can do anything you want as long as you finish school first,” I told her.
“Why?” she settled into the pillows and took my hand. “I know I can do it.”
“Well I know you can if that’s what you really want but it’s hard work and you still have to finish school,” I said.
“I’ve missed you,” she said getting up to give me a hug again. She gave me a quick kiss on the cheek and settled back into my bed. “Good-night.”
I kissed her forehead and got up to leave. Walking down the hall I thought of how small she was when we met.
“Do you want some tea?” I yelled into the living room. She was lying on the couch wrapped up in blanket. She likes tea before bed. She prefers tea with honey. I placed the tea bag into the cup and heated the water. We worked on her resume for a little while. Sitting side by side skimming through web pages trying to get an idea of how to put it together. We were easily distracted by the television and when Cruzando got up to bed we gave up and watched more television.
We talked about her a lot.
“She misses you,” she said while she watched the television.
“Well maybe if you wouldn’t disappear for months at a time,” I said.
Her face changed and I noticed it right away, “I don’t like when you say that.”
I grabbed her foot and gave a squeeze, “Look at me.”
She hesitated and then gave in. Her eyes were unsure of where to focus. She finally let them settle on mine. I say quietly, “You know I don’t mean it. It’s just the way it is and that’s ok.”
She smiled, “I know you are just messin. Sometimes being reminded of the mistakes you make aren’t always fun that’s all.”
She took the cup back into her hand and smiled before taking another sip, “I’m not planning on going anywhere.”
That’s what you always say. I bit it back and went back to watching television. She slept on the couch not wanting to move from the warm spot and I climbed into bed with her daughter. She felt my slide in and lay her head on my shoulder.
“Where is my mom?” she asked sleepy.
“She said you are a bed hog and all three of us wouldn’t fit in my bed,” I whispered.
She giggled, “She’s a bed hog too.”
She nestled closer and soon enough she was snoring softly. The alarm rang at 630am.
“Hey sleepyhead get up. It’s time to go to school,” I whispered.
|
|
|
| |
| Change |
| 05.11.05 (8:13 am) [edit] |
I sat in silence this morning at my desk for a half hour. I Just sat there staring at the blank screen waiting for something to come to me. The phones haven’t rang and no one is in the office. I feel sick. My throat aches and so does my mind.
I haven’t talked to my roommates much. They just leave me along which I appreciate right now because for the most part all I want is silence.
This morning I woke up feeling a little less tired and a little more sure that things will work out the way they need too. That seems to be the way it goes and I have to learn to be all right with that.
“You are like my comfort zone. Thank you for talking to me,” I said.
“It’s funny how we always manage to find each other at the hardest times,” she says back.
“You mean when life is just bullshit?” I said laughing.
“So when are we moving to Hawaii?” she asked.
I sighed, “How about tomorrow? We could be sipping on Mai Tai’s by happy hour.”
“Sounds perfect to me. You should get some sleep I know you haven’t gotten much rest. We’ll hang out tomorrow ok?” she said.
“Yeah just call me and let me know what’s going on,” I said.
I hung up and listened to the darkness. My bed seemed bigger than before. My body was cold even though I was wrapped up in my blankets. The neighbor’s dog was barking outside. I heard (J) come home from the gym. He turned the shower on and the sound of the water made me feel a little better. I don’t remember falling asleep. I do remember my last thoughts.
“We’ve known each other eight years now,” I had told her during the conversation.
“You’re doing pretty good,” she says.
“What do you mean?” I ask.
“Other than my mom and Maree I haven’t even known anyone that long. Usually they get the boot,” she laughs.
“Guess I’m doing something right,” I said.
I fell asleep thinking that things happen for a reason. I fell asleep thinking that I’m not in love with her anymore and it makes our relationship work because for once we can simply be.
I dreamt that Cruzando and I were walking around in an abandoned building. We were talking about the colors and the way the sun hit the broken glass.
“So what do we do now? Everything is broken,” I said.
“I think we just start over,” he answered.
My alarm rang and here I am. Learning to be all right with the way things are. Learning that change is constant and that in order to grow we have to change too.
|
|
|
| |
| Is it really over? |
| 05.10.05 (3:26 pm) [edit] |
I can’t start to explain how I feel. There is this sadness that has completely taken over me. You knew it was going to happen. Yes, but that doesn’t mean that I have to be ok with it.
At my age and despite that I know it has been over for a very long time I didn’t expect to be this sad. I didn’t expect it to hurt this way. It’s not supposed too. My parents are separating after twenty-eight years. I think it’s better for them to live their lives on their own and away from the fighting. Who wouldn’t want that for their mom and dad? The problem is that I can’t shake this feeling. My dad called me crying yesterday because he wanted to apologize for his mistakes and for not being strong enough to make it work. My mom wouldn’t cry in front of us when they sat us down but I could see her pain. There was an empty stare on her face. I know what that look feels like All I wanted to do was hold her and make her understand that it wasn’t her fault. Sometimes things just don’t work.
I have drowned it out in liquor because it’s the only thing that helps ease the pain right now. I hate that I feel like I need someone to hold me. I hate crashing this way because I don’t like to feel helpless. I’m drinking because it’s the only thing that stops my tears.
I look un-kept. My eyes are blood-shot. I am in a daze and every time someone asks me what’s wrong I want to punch them in the face.
I don’t know how to feel and it scares me.
|
|
|
| |
| Cinco de Can We Forget it 2005 |
| 05.06.05 (12:44 pm) [edit] |
We knew we were in for a night when Cruzando was getting loud on the BART on the way to city. There were five of us. I had managed to convince her to come out and play. I know its been months. I know I said I was over it but I couldn’t help and she said yes.
“Are you still wondering why I stay away from you for six months at a time?,” she called to ask me this morning.
We went to buy a bottle from Cheeky at the liquor store. We stood on the corner of Castro and Market taking back the vodka and red bull. I was antsy to get into the bar so that I could stare at her casually without her noticing. I wanted to dance and enjoy the festivities. I wanted to meet our friends upstairs and give them hugs. Of course I got the look when we said hello. The “what is she doing here?” one but I shrugged it off.
We were drunk and happy by 11pm. We danced and men grabbed her to tell her that her hair was “fabulous”. We danced A LOT. We drank A LOT. Everyone was just kind of doing their own thing. The bar was packed. It was maddening. The heat. The bodies. The music. I lost her sweater because there was a couple that kept grabbing at her to dance. They wanted her but I wanted her more. So I pulled her toward me and we shimmied our way to the other side dropping the sweater in the crowd of sweaty bodies.
At the end we caught a cab. We were the only ones left out of the five. I talked to the cabbie most of the ride home. I was trying to ease his mind about her not throwing up in the backseat. I helped her into bed. Took off her shoes and tucked her in. I watched her sleep for a minute then laid down on my side of the bed.
--things to forget
-SOMEONE making out with the love of my life
-SOMEONE bringing home the brother of a mutual friend
-How much we drank
-the money I spent
-not coming home when we said we were going too
-my brother stalking me because he was drunk
-the haze we all work up in this morning
I cannot believe I came in today and on time at that. Almost everyone I know came in hung over this morning so the office has been off all day. I am tired but in an excellent mood despite the mild hangover. I am going to watch television and not move from my couch tonight. I am going make Cruzando hold me or maybe I’ll hold him because we switch roles sometimes. I am not going to succumb to my fantasies of having her in my life again. I am going to talk shit because I can. I am not going to consume any form of alcohol the thought of it makes me dizzy.
|
|
|
| |
| It was tomorrow |
| 05.04.05 (11:37 am) [edit] |
It was tomorrow so I closed my eyes a little tighter. I felt you move restlessly until you slipped your arms around me. I didn’t want to wake up. Not yet. I felt your breath on my neck. Your hands slipped into mine and before long you were snoring slightly. I could see the sun start to rise as the color started to come into the room. I slipped your arm off me after I was sure you wouldn’t wake and walked into the bathroom. The light hurt my eyes. I slipped my head under the faucet letting the cold water calm the headache that was teasing me in the background. I looked in the mirror and tried to recall what it was that I had said to you the night before. I wondered if I had said it all.
I walked back to where you were sleeping. Your hair was longer than I remembered. You have red highlights in it now as well. You were tangled up in the sheets that you refused to share with me. I noticed the ring on your finger. I sat on the edge of that bed thinking that I missed one of the best things that could have ever happened to me. I was scared of you and your confidence. I was scared of your vulnerability and your emotions. I was scared that when you looked at me you could tell how I felt. I was scared that maybe you could feel that way for me. Watching you sleep reminded me of the past. Watching you sleep reminded me that it didn’t matter anymore. I lay down next to you again because that is all I have left.
It was still warm on my side of the bed. You turned slightly to let me back in and wrapped one of your legs over mine. I put my head on your shoulder and you kissed me forehead before we both drifted back to sleep. The last thought I had was that it would have been so good to let go again. We drifted in and out of each other for the next few hours. Never letting the space between us be more than hands length.
“We have to get up,” you said.
"Not yet it’ll mean this is over and I’m not ready for that,” I said.
You hugged me and slipped out of the bed. I could hear you in the bathroom. I grabbed the covers and the pillows and pulled them close. I knew your perfume. I knew your smile. I knew your touch. I knew your giggle. I knew your tenderness.
In your bed, laying next to you I felt complete. On the way out the door, after the long hug I felt alone.
You begin where I end.
|
|
|
| |
| San Diego |
| 05.03.05 (2:19 pm) [edit] |
I got off the plane feeling sluggish from the two hours of sleep I had managed to get on the flight. I watched the sun rise over San Diego from the plane right before we descended onto the runway. I grabbed my carry on. It held everything so I would not have to go through the baggage claim. The airport seemed empty but then I remember how early it was.
“Come see me this weekend?” she asked. “JP is out of town you could stay here?”
“I don’t know,” I said. “That’s really last minute.”
“PLEAAASSEEE???” she whined into the phone.
“Let me call you back,” I said.
That was Wednesday. Friday night I worked and went straight to the airport. I walked out into the day. My eyes met their match in the sunshine that was waiting for me outside. The wind was crisp against my skin and I could smell the ocean in the air. I stood there looking for any sign of them. Maybe they forgot what time I was going to be there. I sighed and looked around. I wished I had gotten a little more sleep. I knew that as soon as I saw them I wouldn’t want to take a nap.
Somehow we had missed each other because when I turned to look back into the terminal I saw her standing there with the stroller and VaNative looking around. Once our eyes met she let go of the stroller and jumped on me. VaNative just grinned. I had seen him a few months back. Out of all of us him and I had seen each other the most since the three years that I left Hawaii. Her I hadn’t seen at all since before I left. They were the reasons that I jumped on a plane. Somewhere on the 5 coming from Yuma, Arizona was another old face that I couldn’t wait to see.
I spent two days in the company of some of the best friends I’ve ever known. We had moments of sincere “I’m glad we did this” and moments of “you haven’t changed a bit”. I hadn’t laughed that hard. I hadn’t felt that complete. I hadn’t felt so wanted or needed.
“Two days is all we have,” I said early Saturday.
“Shhh you can’t say that yet. You just got here,” she said into the rear view mirror.
I was all ready missing them.
We spent Saturday catching up at her place. We had lunch at Hooters and I knew that from then on it was going to be worth the trip. We ate oysters and ordered way too much food. We spent the afternoon trying not to look down our waitress’s shirt. We ordered two pitchers of beer. Yuma kept talking and talking and drinking most of the beer.
“Hey man share that!” I told him.
“I can’t help it. I come to California and you bring me to Hooters. I need a beer!” he answers back,
She has a son now. A beautiful little monkey boy (only because he likes to climb on people so he can give them a hug). He has the biggest brown eyes and the most gorgeous little dimples. He has the smallest little hands and the smallest little feet. He giggles and likes to dance. He is perfect in the way that only babies can be.
I think at some point we all sat back and watched each other. I caught her watching me when I was giving the baby a bath. I caught Yuma watching her and I when we were cooking in the kitchen. After a few beers and a couple more shots VaNative comes into the kitchen.
“I can’t believe how right this feels. All of us in the same space again,” he said.
“Kinda feels like home huh?” I asked,
“Yeah just like home,” he answered.
We continued on and on for hours. We sat outside in the cool air Saturday night. Smoking cigarettes and telling old stories and filling in the time that has passed between us. Eventually the drinks caught up and it was time for bed.
Yuma was trying to get everyone to take another shot.
“It’s time to go to bed,” I said. “I’m drunk and tired.”
“I guess it just don’t want it to end yet,” he said quietly.
Sunday was more of the same. We battled hangovers and she made fruit pancakes and eggs for breakfast. It was a slow lazy day. We drove around downtown San Diego most of the afternoon knowing that eventually I would have to go. She waited until 815pm to take me to the airport. I was flying at 900pm.
“Are you trying to kidnap me?” I asked as we said goodbye.
“Maybe,” she said as she hugged me.
I hugged them all good bye and started to walk away when I hear this little voice yelling, “You’ll be back!” I pulled my bag closer and put my hands into my pocket and back into the terminal I went.
I jumped back onto a plane with strangers who were off to their own destinations. I wondered how many were leaving people behind. I wondered how many felt like me Just wanting to stop time. Just wanting it to last a little longer I leaned my head against the window and watched the city lights just get further and further away as we lifted into the clouds.
|
|
|
| |
|
|
