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| Someone kissed me on the cheek |
| 06.29.05 (2:59 pm) [edit] |
And now I want to cry. It happened so suddenly and I’m so against affection lately that it took me by surprise and now I am sitting here with tears swelling up. I haven’t been paying attention to anyone today. I am sitting here in my misery and unwillingly answering the phones and trying to be cheery. I wish I had stayed home but being around people is supposed to be good when you are sad. I’m not sure who came up with that genius idea but I digress. Surely being at a bar with people who are probably just as miserable is better than being here right now.
She came in politely said hello and then got into a conversation with another co-worker. So I blankly stared at my screen. I wish I could remember what I was thinking that had me in such a daze that I didn’t even feel her until her lips were on my cheek. She didn’t say anything else and just kind of walked away. It’s just her way and I’m sure my silence is noticeable because I’m usually really good at running my mouth about something.
The sudden realization that no one has come that close to me in months struck me and it made me realize how much of a loner I’ve become. Gone are the days when I was a social drunk butterfly. Present are the days of the couch potato and television junkie.
It’s frustrating when the answers are nowhere to be found. I’ve looked inside and I’ve looked out. I’ve prayed for strength to whom ever is listening. I want this weight to just let me be and I know everything takes time. Everything takes time to get through good or bad it’s all about time and patience and a positive outlook.
**bullshit** **cough**
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| 5 Days Later |
| 06.28.05 (10:14 am) [edit] |
At the beginning of this month I had everything figured out and then suddenly things hit bottom. Just like that I hit bottom. Friday morning I found out my grandfather had passed away. The last of my parents parent’s. I sunk my head into my pillow as my sister started to cry.
“Has anyone called daddy?” I asked. Holding back my tears.
“He’s at work do you think we should call him?” she asked.
“Yes, I’ll do it.” I got out of bed.
Friday was the start of my birthday vacation. I had taken Friday and Monday off thinking there would be great things happening despite my friends not being able to make it from out of town. As I searched for my dad’s work number Cruz came and hugged me once J told him what happened. I HATE that. I wasn’t ready to cry yet but when he hugged me and pulled my close I came apart. I tried not to return the hug and pull away but he wouldn’t let me so I gave in and let a little of it out. I called my dad’s job and asked to speak with the main manager. I asked for them to send him home but not to tell him why. We didn’t want him driving home under bad conditions.
When he saw my sister and I standing at the door his shoulders slouched and his tears came down slowly, “My dad died didn’t he?” My sister ran to him and put her arms around him, he cried into her shoulder. His grey hair caught my eyes and I felt my tears come up as well. She took him by the hand and made him come inside. We explained that he died in his sleep earlier that morning. He put his head into his hands and leaned forward taking deep breaths and trying not to let it all go.
That is what my weekend consisted of. Lots of blurry emotions. I cried for many reasons this weekend. I received a lot of calls on Sunday saying Happy Birthday. Some people knew some didn’t. I want to say it brought relief and comfort but it just made me feel lonelier. I appreciated them but because of the circumstances it made me feel…..if I could only explain in words what I feel.
I wanted to write something profound about what I took away from this weekend but I can’t because I didn’t learn anything that I didn’t all ready know. I stayed by my father’s side because I wanted to make sure he was going to be ok. My mother disappointed me in ways that I can not even begin to explain. My brothers lack compassion. I sent my sister away for a few hours Saturday to get her out of the house and away from the silence and the sadness.
I’m exhausted and once again separated from myself. I sit and wonder about how when one takes care of everyone else when do they take the time to heal themselves. I wonder about people who spend their lives taking care of only themselves, will they even know what it is to give of themselves unselfishly.
**After re-reading this post I realized that when I write I give a lot of myself to the words and right now I don't have anything left to give.
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| Good Morning Heartache take II |
| 06.21.05 (11:24 am) [edit] |
“You matter to me more than they do anyway,” I said.
“Well maybe you should step back and think about that too. Maybe it shouldn’t be that way,” she said quickly.
My stomach tightened. My mind went blank and for a second I really felt all my emotions die. For a second it felt like my heart stopped beating and I was going to never feel it thump again. For a second I wanted to hang up the phone and tell her to fuck off.
“What is that supposed to mean?” I asked defensively.
“Never mind that’s a totally different subject,” she said. I’m sure regretting saying anything at all.
“I should go,” I said quietly. I felt the lump slowly climbing up my throat. Slow as molasses and honey just creeping along. Slow and thick.
“Ok talk to you later,” but the sentence was more of a question than anything else.
“Yeah sure.” Click.
Silence and then your mind starts to turn.
It never fails that around this time every year everything falls apart. VaNative is longer coming up for the festivities of the single day in which someone decided that it would be funny to put me in this world. I am more disappointed than anything else because I was looking forward to seeing him but I completely understand. I’ve been where I can’t afford things. My Cuban firecracker isn’t coming either. I don’t even know where she is considering she’s not longer answering my phone calls. She must be too busy as well.
I am not trying to be bitter or even over emotional about things. Really I swear on everything that I am trying to hold on to my sanity and my common sense and my ability to be ok with everything because really I’m ok.
Then certain things start to happen. Someone starts to pull on that string that you aren’t supposed to pull on because eventually everything falls out.
My grandfather fell last Wednesday. He is no longer eating or talking to anyone. My father is no longer eating and drinking more. Every year for the last three years someone has passed. First my mom’s dad, then Aida and now? Now we wait for the inevitable.
Yesterday I went home and stared at myself in the mirror. I watched my eyes water and then I turned away and took a deep breath and kicked myself in the ass because right now no one is worth my tears. Today however I feel that I am worth my own emotions.
I am crushed because the one person that I depend on has time and time again asked me to not care the way I do. I am crushed because I hate that I can’t be straight. I am crushed because the one man that I am lusting after for the first time in a very long time is gay. Last night I watched him behind the bar and something inside me turned. I am crushed with the realization that I need to just go and forget so many people because people hurt you when you least expect it and you begin to wonder if they even know they do it and if they do, do they even care. I am crushed because I don’t want to go to the Pride Parade on Sunday but most of my friends will be there and I want to have fun. I am crushed because my siblings haven’t asked me what I’m doing for my birthday. I am crushed because she still affects me even when she has no right too. I am crushed because I let her and I don’t think I am worthy of more. I am crushed people absolutely and whole heartedly crushed.
In an odd way, Jose has come to the smallest rescue. He sits with me in my silence and watches mindless television. He asks me if I’m ok. I always tell him yes but he knows better. So he makes dinner even when I’m being a bitch and tell him I don’t care what he makes cause I’m probably not going to eat anyway. Last night I asked him to come along for a beer with E and I and for a few hours I forgot things and laughed and talked shit and played bad pool.
For a few hours I put everything aside and it felt good. Today after the morning conversation I realized that I am out of love and without love I don’t know that I can give her anymore because even in friendship it’s a two way street. She matters. She knows it. To use against me is to tell me that it’s only about her anyway. That’s hard to swallow when you realize that the beauty that existed has slowly faded and you begin to see things for what they are.
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| Where I would like to be |
| 06.20.05 (10:02 am) [edit] |
This particular Monday morning as the cool breeze blew on my face on my way to work, I thought of how fabulous it would be to be sitting on the balcony of a lonely hotel room somewhere at the edge of the world.
How wonderful it would be to feel the ocean air on my face. There is something about how crisp it feels against your skin. I imagined taking a walk as the sun came up watching the day rise and stretch into the horizon. I imagined the lazy sound of the morning waves brushing gently onto the soft sand. I imagined strawberry daiquiris at noon with fresh fruit by the beach side.
Mostly it was the image of sitting on the balcony with nothing but blue waters as far as the eyes could see is what made me smile.
Somewhere there is a lonely hotel waiting for me.
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| I want to know |
| 06.17.05 (12:19 pm) [edit] |
what you the readers want me to write about.
at least i think i have readers....
I want to know who reads this thing and why?
I'm going on two years of writing and now curiousity has the best of me.
tell me things.
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| The Sun will come out Tomorrow |
| 06.16.05 (8:44 am) [edit] |
It better because I have people coming to see me next weekend and this weather is messing with my sinuses. I haven’t really written too much about the goings on in my day to day. There isn’t anything new to report and for the most part everything is just cycling on through.
The past two weeks have been a little rough on me. The kitten is no longer here they let her go and I for one was really sad to see her leave, but she is better than this place anyway. She called me out to walk her to her car three days ago and told me she wasn’t coming back. I took it as a joke but then she looked me right in the eyes and told me that she wasn’t kidding. Something went wrong with some groups last week and The Supervisor knew she was leaving anyway so they used her as a scapegoat. Someone wanted something to happen so they fired her. I miss her all ready and she’s called me once everyday since Monday. No more fantasizing about her on the conference table for me.
My sister didn’t invite The One to her graduation which brought on a slew of reality checks. It brought on the reality that my sister doesn’t consider her important enough to invite. It brought on the reality that The One considered herself a part of the family and my sister not acknowledging her hit her “in between the eyes”. I apologized for her feeling left out but I explained that it was not my place to tell her whom she should and shouldn’t invite to her ceremony. She spent five days not returning my calls. I spent five days trying to figure out how I fucked it up this time.
I feel like a part of me is missing. Cruzando and I broke up so to speak. We’re growing into different places. He feels I’m negative. I feel he’s more self-centered. I know that we love each other. I know that we understand and respect each other but right now being apart from each other is probably best. It’s hard and I know how impossible I can become. I know when I put my trusty walls back up and shut everyone out that it’s not easy for anyone to deal with.
“You have always been that way,” she said to me yesterday. “For as long as I’ve known you it’s just the way that you are.”
“Well then why do I feel like such an asshole. I know it’s not just me is it?” I asked quietly.
“It would be good to just sit and talk to you,” she answered back.
“I’m not trying to ruin your day I just needed to talk. I don’t like feeling like I’m losing two of the most important people in my life,” I said. Frustration is not my thing.
“***** we aren’t going anywhere. You can’t control how other people are feeling. You can’t make everything ok,” she answered back.
“I’m just tired but I don’t know why,” I said.
“You know what I say. If you need to scream then scream. You don’t do that. It’s ok to break down and shut off. Not everything is going to be simple,” she said.
We said our goodbyes and I hung up the phone.
There isn’t anything that is gripping me. There isn’t anything eating away at me. There isn’t anything that I can’t handle right now. I’m just off somehow. I’m not being a jerk. I’m just not being myself.
“I can’t take on anyone else’s life right now,” he said to me yesterday.
Funny I was thinking the same thing, I thought.
Disclaimer: Understand that Cruz and I are not fighting. We are just “breaking up” for a little while. I know how some of you get. It’s not that serious I swear.
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| The Box |
| 06.15.05 (3:14 pm) [edit] |
There was a knock on the door that shook her from her wine induced thoughts. She looked at the clock. It was almost midnight. She wasn’t expecting anyone tonight. The fire crackled a little as the cat jumped off her lap sensing that she was about to get up. She looked through the peephole but there was no one there. Unsure of what to do next she slid the chain onto its lock and opened the door slightly. No one. There was nothing but the flickering lights and the silence of the building in the dim hallway. Just as she shut the door she noticed the single small box sitting in front of her door. Once again she hesitated but quickly opened the door and looked out into the hallway to see if she could catch a glimpse of who it was that had left this little treasure at her doorstep. As she closed and locked the door behind her she made a mental checklist of the people in her complex. Maybe it was the doorman or perhaps the security guard who were both flirty and held doors open for her. It could be the younger man who always rode the same elevator at the same time almost everyday since she had moved here two months ago. They had always made eye contact but had never said more than a hello and goodbye.
She poured the last of the wine into her glass before sitting back on her couch. Her curiosity had her imagination racing. She felt like she was in high school discovering who had a crush on her for the first time.
She cut the tape off with one of her keys and almost immediately a familiar perfume hit her senses. Soft musk. The smell of long slow kisses and passionate late night talks consumed her. She bit her lip and scanned the fireplace for a single picture that lay hidden behind all the others. It was always there but never visible. She placed the box on the coffee table and grabbed her glass instead. She brought it to her lips and let the soothing taste linger in her mouth. She watched as the flames flickered shadows onto her bare walls. She sighed and picked up the box. Inside was a sealed envelope and Polaroid’s of unfamiliar faces looking back at her. She unfolded the letter. It was handwritten but not messy. The words were carefully chosen. The emotions splattered all over the page hidden in the ink.
Dearest Love,
I left to escape from you. I wandered the world in search of some way to forget you. Instead I managed to find you in everything. Your face haunted the dark places that I traveled too. In every minute of ever day you were there. I found you in empty bars, in coffee lounges, mostly in lonely hotels. I found you lurking in every memory. I tried to build new ones with others but everything brought me back to you. I laughed, lived and loved without you near and yet at the end of every moment you were the only one I wanted next to me. I still ache for you in ways that I can no longer explain because words are no longer useful. All I have left is the pain in my heart and the salt of my tears. Enclosed are pictures of them all and each picture all I see is your face.
Yours eternally,
The Girl
She looked back into the box and understood what the letter meant. One by one she looked at all the girls staring back at her. Some were smiling. Some were sleeping. Some were turned to the side. Some looked at the camera with a familiar lust in their eyes. All of them had the same features. The same eye color, the same color hair, the same skin tone. All of them very similar to her own.
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| Would it be a sin |
| 06.13.05 (11:33 am) [edit] |
If for one minute I admitted to you how much I wanted to touch you. If for one minute you would entertain the thought and I know you have. That night when we came home and I massaged your back when you inadvertently arched your back as my hands grazed your sides. That same night before I finished I heard you moan into the pillow and I felt all the desires (which had been so well contained) start to come alive again. I stared at your bare back and imagined my tongue running down the softness of it. I felt your curves (which I have begged my mind to forget) rise under my touch and then I pulled your shirt down and slept on the couch.
Would it be a sin to admit that the physical side of me wants to absolutely devour you in the dirtiest way. I want to feel the silkiness between your thighs on my hands and my lips. I want to see you bite your lip when I kiss that spot (which I still haven’t forgotten).
The worst part is that when you aren’t near that’s all I can think of and when you are it all goes away. The reality of the boundaries that are set in stone between you and I are so clear when I’m looking at you sitting there in front of me.
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| She doesn't eat dirt |
| 06.13.05 (10:22 am) [edit] |
My sister graduated high school this past Friday. I spent a lot of time with the family with no incident though I could feel it wanting to happen. It was early Friday afternoon when my brother came to get me to go to my parents house. It was early Friday afternoon when I realized that my little sister wasn’t so little anymore. Her and my cousin were running around trying to get their outfits in order for their walk across the stage.
“Aren’t you wearing your graduation gown?” I asked. I sat on the edge of her bed looking at the pictures hanging on her wall. There was a frame full of pictures from when we were all younger.
“We still have to look good,” she answered laughing. “You wouldn’t understand you’re old.”
I threw a hanger at her which smacked her right on her bottom. She laughed at me and went to go stand in front of the mirror. She was checking to see if you could see through her shirt. I watched her turn in the mirror. Her curvaceous frame. Her long dyed hair hung loosely around her smiling face. She definitely got all the looks in our pool of siblings.
“What are you looking at?” she said.
“I was just thinking about when you used to eat dirt,” I said.
“I think you guys made that up,” she said turning to put on her big hoop earrings.
“Whatever there are pictures,” I said. “Can I help with anything?”
“Uhm you would iron our gowns? I’m scared to do it. I know I’ll burn a hole in it,” she said.
“Oh yeah please?” asked me cousin. She stands almost a whole foot taller than me so when she leaned down to give me a kiss it brought to mind the Baby Muppets cartoon.
I turned the iron on and let the steam take the creases out. I made slow steady motions careful not to let the iron sit too long. I couldn’t remember what it was like to walk the stage. It’s been ten years since I graduated. I could hear them giggling in the room. One was yelling at the other for ruining the nail polish on her toes. I smiled to myself. They weren’t so little anymore.
I gave them their gowns and they quickly threw them on and ran out the door. Their ride had come to scoop them to their destinies. I suppose one doesn’t stop to think about that day as much anymore. I remember missing my friends mostly and being scared of what was ahead.
Watching her walk the stage gave me chills. I am proud of that girl that is certain. My brothers and I in our endeavor to get our last and final embarrassment in before she becomes a part of the real world made shirts with her face on it. We slipped them on after she left so that she wouldn’t know. When she finally saw us after all the congrats, flowers, hugs and kisses she broke down. She buried her face in her cap and we hugged her close. I’m sure anyone watching thought it was a Lifetime movie of some sorts but it was our moment.
“You guys are assholes I said I wasn’t going to cry!” she said into our chests. “You are going to ruin my makeup for the pictures!”
She swatted us away and composed herself. That was her way of saying thank you and I love you too.
I watched her yesterday as we ate dinner probably for one of the last times as a complete family. I watched her scrounge her nose up when she couldn’t figure out what to eat on the menu.
I smiled to myself and realized that she wasn’t the little four year old who ate dirt anymore. She was a woman about to embark onto the ship of this thing called life.
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| I am not Sleeping Well |
| 06.08.05 (1:12 pm) [edit] |
Last night I laid down at 930-pm thinking I could get some decent sleep. I took a hot shower after attempting to read a book but found that my attention span was not there. I cooked some gourmet ramen (ramen with spinach, tomatoes and tofu), I composed magnetic poetry, I checked my email, and I attempted to watch a movie. None of the above options catered to me. The night before I could not sleep I tossed and turned then tossed and turned some more. Last night I wrapped myself up in my blankets hoping that sleep would take me in. It turned out to be too warm so I took off my sweater and then a few minutes later my socks. I heard my roommates talking in the living room, then the sudden “bang, bang” of the pot on the stove. I turned over and lay on my back. I was grateful when I heard the phone ring someone to occupy my time. We talked for a little while about something that turned into nothing once I realized that someone else was laying next to her. I thought about how the mood and the flow of her voice changes. I felt how my mood and my tone sunk as well. I hung up the phone saying goodnight to the thought of being in love with her.
The sudden shouts of the neighbors arguing woke me from a dozing sleep at about midnight. I felt the warmth of sleep be ripped from me. I sat up and listened.
“I don’t fucken need you!” she yelled. Her anger piercing the night. “You ain’t worth shit anyway.”
His words I could not make out which led me to believe that she was on our side of the street, in front of our house yelling back to hers. If I thought calling the police would help I would have done it then but we had tried that once not too long ago when the father was threatening to kick the son’s ass back and forth. The little girl yelling at her daddy to “please stop”. The police line was busy. We were left on hold for ten minutes and then gave up. Life of chaos. Why would one ever let it get that bad? What is it worth if all that’s left is that pain and the anger?
I hugged the blankets closer and pulled one of the pillows over my head. I could smell the fresh scent of laundry on my pillowcases. I washed all the old smells away this weekend. If only life were like that. I turned on my side when I heard the door slam and the yelling stop. I wondered where their kids were.
The last time I remember looking at the clock was at 2 in the morning. I remember wishing for morning to come since sleep was not going to accompany me anyway. It’s 1:45pm and I have a raging headache. Usually they come from lack of sleep. I know that I am tired and I know even before tonight comes that I will have another restless night. I am considering my options. I know taking some pills would be good but I don’t like feeling groggy in the morning. Maybe laying awake in bed staring at the darkness is what I am supposed to do right now.
Hot sweaty careless sex would be the perfect answer. Now if I only I could convince someone to participate.
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| Moment in Time |
| 06.06.05 (9:26 pm) [edit] |
There are moments in time when everything you had pieced together comes apart. There are moments in life when the glue that you carefully placed along all the cracks just won’t hold anymore.
It’s been a long couple of days. For some reason the winds have changed and life seems to have come to a halt even as it continues to move. Everything is in slow motion. Every sound seems louder than usual. Every word cuts a little bit deeper. All the needs come to front and start yelling at once “What about me?”
There are moments that I am not sure of who I am. There are moments that I just can’t seem to focus and I listen as my heart quietly cries. I want to ask what is wrong but it will not answer. It just sighs heavily and sits in silence. If I could write about everything that trolls through my mind my insanity would be clear. I only call it insanity because I can’t piece it together myself.
Today I found myself tested by my own impatience. I found that everyone’s rejection (in the most simple way) hurt in a way that I could barely begin to comprehend. The simplest “I can’t make it” brought along a “fuck you then” in my mind. The simplest piece of advice turned into “oh you’re just that fucking perfect huh?” in my heart.
The hardest part is to accept that people see you outside of yourself. That people who genuinely worry about you don’t mean to make you feel even more alone.
“You let them hurt you,” someone said.
That is probably the greatest truth in my life. I allow people to control how I feel but there is something inside of me that NEEDS that. There is something inside of me that believes that SOMETHING is better than NOTHING. Because not to long ago I knew what nothing was. I knew what not giving a fuck really meant. I hurt people. I let them down. I didn’t have expectations. I didn’t care enough about myself to worry about how anyone else felt about me.
So now in the pursuit to try to be a better person I find that others let ME down and now I understand what that feels like. I have to accept that. It is not a simple thing to do without becoming jaded about it.
It seems that for every up that you have there will always be a down and that down just keeps getting lower and lower. I told my brother the other day “The easiest thing is to hit bottom it’s getting up that’s the hard part.”
I’m not at bottom. I hope to really never know bottom again. I hope that everyday I learn a little bit more about me and about the things that matter. I hope that someone will get me without really trying too. I hope that I don’t ever become anyone’s burden. I had to face a lot of my demons on my own. I had to face a lot of my own insecurities and everyday I DO try to work on it. I’ll never be perfect. I have complexities but no more than the next I’m sure of it.
The people that know me really see me and I forget that. I try too hard to become what I think I should be and maybe I need to quit trying to be everything else for a little while and just be. It sounds like a Nike commercial I know but it’s so true. What would happen if for a minute I gave up my insecurities and walked out into the day with my hair tied back in my t-shirt and jeans smelling like a stripper with a smile on my face and my book bag slung over my shoulder and just really let all the bullshit go?
Could it be that all the hurt would just go away? No and we all know that shit only happens in the movies or in books. The truth is that ever day is something new. The truth is there is no easy way or easy answer.
Rascal Flatts- Movin' on
I've dealt with my ghosts and I've faced all my demons
Finally content with a past I regret
I've found you find strength in your moments of weakness
For once I'm at peace with myself
I've been burdened with blame, trapped in the past for too long
I've lived in this place and I know all the faces
Each one is different but they're always the same
They mean me no harm but it's time that I face it
They'll never allow me to change
But I never dreamed home would end up where I don't belong
I'm movin' on
I'm movin' on
At last I can see life has been patiently waiting for me
And I know there's no guarantees, but I'm not alone
There comes a time in everyone's life
When all you can see are the years passing by
And I have made up my mind that those days are gone
I sold what I could and packed what I couldn't
Stopped to fill up on my way out of town
I've loved like I should but lived like I shouldn't
I had to lose everything to find out
Maybe forgiveness will find me somewhere down this road
I'm movin' on
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| Mango Sticky Rice |
| 06.01.05 (9:08 am) [edit] |
Mango sticky rice will make it all better. It was a long weekend for a few of my friends. The kitten had to go to a funeral for her uncle and we’ll call her Kitten 2d had to attend a funeral for a friend yesterday.
The kitten walked in and said hello. She looked tired and worn out.
“Hey you doin ok?” I ask.
“Yeah. I haven’t been able to sleep much but I’m good I think,” she said.
“You want to go to lunch today?” I asked.
“Uhm I’m not really that hungry but you can order and we can go get it,” she says. “I want the mango sticky rice.”
So I order our lunch and shared some of my chicken with spinach with peanut sauce over rice with her. It was a good lunch with some brief conversation. She was telling me how she hadn’t really seen her family and even though it was under bad circumstances she had a good time in LA.
Around 5 that afternoon the evening crew started to come in and Kitten 2 zoomed past my desk.
“God I’m such a mess,” as she grabbed some Kleenex off my desk and made a b-line for the bathroom.
I got up and knocked on the door, “Hey uhm do you want me to tell R you want to go home.”
“No, “ she said opening the door. “I’m ok it’s just that I went to the funeral and when I got home I found out that another good friend had passed away. She was sick you know but I never went to go see her.”
I hugged her, “You sure you want to stay?”
“Yeah,” she sort of laughed and apologized.
The kitten came to the door and there we were all three of us in the small bathroom trying to comfort each other. We managed to make each other laugh and then we walked out. I felt bad I knew what it was that they were going through. There isn’t too much you can say when someone passes.
“Hey you want some mango sticky rice?” The Kitten says to Kitten 2.
“Really?” she says her eyes lighting up.
“Yeah ***** got if for lunch for me today but you can have the rest. It made me feel better,” The Kitten said.
“Hmmm that sounds really good,” Kitten 2 says with a smile.
I guess Mango Sticky Rice has healing powers cause she seemed to be in a better mood after she ate it. I need to get more and keep it in stock cause apparently there are some extra powers working for me.
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